I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2006

09

Jun

I am – Hugh Heffner’s Viagra Prescription

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I don’t understand the big deal about Hef. Dude ripped off Esquire and threw in some naked girl spreads to sell a ton of magazines. It’s a pretty fucking obvious strategy and instead of idolizing him, you should kick yourself in the ass for not thinking about it. Everything will sell a lot fucking better with a naked bitch in it. The fact that he’s dating 3, 5 or 15 chicks is totally irrelevant. These bitches are whores. Hef pays them and gives them a good life to be his “girlfriend”. If you had money, you could hire whores to be your gf too. They are 150 dollars an hour, maybe you could work out a deal or something. You know, a volume discount. Either way, his trashy girls don’t have to be strippers anymore and he gets to fuck what he considers prime pussy, and I consider garbage. But I am not 90 years old.

Speaking of whores. I was at the strip club last night and they had a special feature. This busted up old hag of a woman who is some kind of internet pornstar. I am on the internet all day and I have never heard of this bitch, so I am guessing she’s not that big of an internet pornstar. When her MC (she had a stage hand, MC, sound and lighting dude entourage), gave her the intro he listed off her many accomplishments like the fact that bitch partied with Gene Simmons and other useless celebrites and that she won Miss Nude Canada, obviously a contest with 3 contestants and the other 2 were 300lbs….

Anyway, bitch calls 2 dudes on stage, a 18 year old gangster kid and a 350 pound bald french guy and gives them dildos. So dudes have to simulate jerkin her off, fucking her, all while talking dirty to her and the winner gets a free polaroid with her. The 300 pound french dude was really into it, like his life dream came true, and motherfucker talked dirty and slapped her up with the dildo like the whore she was. He won and was really fucking excited about it. He ran around the stage like he just won the fucking lottery. I guess there was really no point to that story – other than that bald fat guys have lots of sexual frustration because they don’t get laid enough. I probably should have gone on stage, being a fat and sexually frustrated and talked my shit, because it woulda been funny, but I didn’t because I don’t do stand up. I could write some of the things I coulda said to her, but that’d be lame. Just like this story.

If you wanted to see this busted up old truck of a whore, click this link.


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