So I was told that Hilary Duff was in town and I wasn’t about to try to go to her concert because I don’t give a fuck about her, but I did find out where the after party she was probably getting paid big money for was and decided I should try to get some exclusive content because maybe that will make me famous…I guess I could have tried to rape and kidnap her too, I would have been on the news and shit, but I am too pussy to actually do that kind of thing…and I don’t have a car and trying to walk home with some famous bitch you’ve just kidnaped is a good way to get caught. So I email the promoter with some bullshit about how the site is number 1 in montreal, which it was according to the shitty local paper, even though I rigged the results, it still counts to me because they printed it….Bitch tells me that I am in, I tell her that I look homeless and that her shitty club has rejected me a few other times like when Christina Aguilera was there and when some other lame celebrities were there….but Bitch assures me that there will be no problem at all….
Anyway, I get to the event, showered, thinking it will improve my chances, but the bouncer doesn’t want to let me in, I was never on the list and I don’t belong there. I talk my way to getting into the doors and in front of a door girl and I show her my camera saying I am here to take pictures for National Enquirer, now I only have a beat up broken point and shoot I borrowed from my neighbor, and bitch bites, telling me to stay away from the actual party and to stay in the corner where no one can see me…..
I buy a really expensive drink by a pornstar looking bar maid and I wait for Hilary Duff to show up, I have no idea what the deal with the night is, I am just running off some tip someone gave me. I am standing in the middle of the area where no one can see me, and all of a sudden I get thrown out of the way by some huge body guard, I look to see what’s up and there’s Hilary Duff, looking small, haggard and beat up, giggling with her entourage….
I wait around thinking she’s going to get on stage or some shit, but nothing. I listened to some DJ who was trying to be DJ AM, but couldn’t mix for shit and was stuck listening to a bad 80, 90s and Today dance mix that made me want to kill myself or at least for one of the metrosexuals drinking champagne to slip some roofies in my drink to make the site a little more of a success….
A group of 4 people got on stage and started to do some kind of hip hop dance routines. I figured they were locals trying to get noticed by Duff because she was in the room. The bitches were in short skirts and were too fat to be famous, but I figured we’re all allowed to dream and sat and watched as their skirts rode high, asses exposed and dance…then I realized that we were watching Hilary Duff’s fat back-up dancers in all their gayness and I turned on my shitty camera. I somehow managed to miss all the ass shots, I even saw one of the girl’s cunt, because she bent over and her underwear was moved to the side and by the time I realized that that was the main show, it was over.
I chatted up some photographer who was there, tried to convince him to give me his pics, because as the dancers were dancing, Hilary Duff was pretending to DJ her own song that they were dancing to and I missed all the Hilary Duff action…when it all ended Hilary Duff walked by me again, with her entourage and bouncers, and I didn’t have a chance to slip her the love note I had written her, because I figured creeping her out was the best way into her life….
This is the love letter I wrote her:
I know you don’t know me, but I know you. I write about you whenever your nipples are hard, your shorts are too short, your bikini too wet, your panties exposed, or any other embarrassing things you’ve been caught doing on camera. I have even coined you and your sister as the Duffgusting sisters. I know you don’t know me or what I do because only 5 people read my site, but despite thinking you are ugly and talentless and confused as to why you’re more famous than the hotter, tighter, better singer neighbor of mine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
I think together you could really find happiness and through artificial insemination, because my dick doesn’t work, I could find a solid retirement plan.
Here is the video footage of the dancers:
Here are pictures of her Montreal show, that I ripped off of some girls facebook, because stealing from Hilary Duff fans is like stealing candy from a baby….