It was Megan Fox’s Birthday, and if you’re wondering why she looks so sad, it’s because all she wanted from David from 90210 was for him to let her off her leash and out of the cage he has her in, you know to give her some freedom and let her leave him, and he gave her a taste of freedom, but made it clear that if she ran, he’d kill her fucking family, so she better stick close….cuz kidnapping and brain washing is the only explanation for this decade long relationship….
Eva Longoria turned 35, which explains why she has zero fucking sex appeal, as shit died then she turned 30. It’s not really her fault, it takes a specific strong gene to carry a girl I want to fuck into her 40s, for the most part, especially when they are Mexican even if they pretend they aren’t Mexican and actually offend all Mexicans but are destined for short, fat, breeding, the boners fade at 30. So this picture might as well be the fucking Golden Girls on their way to a lawn bowling competition, or at the beach smothering sun tan lotion on their loose fitting skin, cuz nothing says washed the fuck up like Kim Kardashian, Robin Antin and other old, boring pussy the bitch from Desperate Housewives has managed to get to latch onto her useless celebrity status….celebrating her 35th birthday.
Aubry O’Day is known for being on some fake tit whore on a really useless Diddy show, that gave her the taste of black that made her want to slowly turn herself black or at least milk the fact that she became a black object of interest, with a fat ass and titties, and so she took up eating to stay thick without realizing that all fat white chicks are black object of interest because she doesn’t want to admit that she’s a nobody that is only good for fucking….
She has befriended some no name Australian slut who was also on a reality show and who looks like a pornstar, but I’m not allowed to say is a pornstar because she’ll sue me, as she has tried before, and I guess they are celebrating Aubry’s birthday together because they have so much in common, mainly being totally fucking irrelevant bitches with fat tits who are too fuckin’ annoying to actually become pornstars everyone already thinks they are….
I am friends with Mark Cobrasnake, so I want to say that I am not going to hold the fact that he went to Katy Perry’s cheesy birthday party where he looked like he was having the time of his life amongst people I hate, like Perez Hilton and Katy Perry, because I’m going to tell myself shit was just an act for some exclusive pics he can sell to the paparazzi for a couple hundred thousand dollars, because that would be the only acceptable reason anyone I know or like would put himself in this kind of horrible situation.
The only thing worth caring about when it comes to a Katy Perry birthday party filled with L.A. idiot scensters who collectively feed their egos for being allowed in the event and her ego for suckin’ her dick while at her event, is her tits, because tits sometimes have the power to make me forget how much of an unattractive lame piece of garbage cunt this Katy Perry asshole who managed to trick the world into thinking she has talent better than me is….
I get that Annalynne McCord’s mastered the real secret of staying in the Paparazzi’s lens and securing her celebrity for being on a shitty TV show, and that’s by wearing a bikini as often as she can because bikini pictures get picked up everywhere and people talk about you, sure it’s a cheap strategy, but the only other thing that will get her on this site is if she’s got a sex tape or is flashing her tits and pussy, because despite appreciating the fact that she’s skinny, I just can’t handle that stupid fucking face and dopey lookin’ mouth all teeth and smiles, shit’s ugly and the only way I can look past that is if I am lookin’ at her other lips…you know her LABIA lips….
Lohan’s birthday party wasn’t hosted by me, like it probably should have been, I mean if she wanted shit to be a little less cheesy and a lot more homeless, but I guess when you do it in Vegas, cheesy is totally what you’re into, and when you’re Lohan, so is drugs and other girl’s vaginas, I mean not that I know that for a fact, because she’s playing to cool to answer my fuckin’ emails that I’ve been sending her the last 2 weeks and shit is breaking my fuckin’ heart, but not as much as seeing her in this bikini that looks like it can’t give me a boner, even if i was railing lines of Viagra all fuckin’ day….maybe it’s got somehting to the swollen vagina in her bikini bottoms that looks like it is throbbing, pulsating, convulsing, and ready to attack, suffocate and murder a motherfucker that it crosses paths with….
Brooke Hogan’s birthday was a couple of days ago, I slept on it, because I don’t really care for birthdays especially when they are for big girls. You know at the bar next to me, where their better lookin’ friends try to get them dick and turn to you because everyone else in the bar has already rejected them and you have nothin’ going on so you entertain the idea of fucking her and when it really comes down to it, she’s way better looking than the woman you share a bed with, so you buy her a drink, because it’s the nice thing to do, and you get to talking and within a minute she gets nasty and all the bitterness that she has burried up inside, the same bitterness that made her fat in the first place starts coming to surface, you know how her friends are cunts for being prettier than her and how guys are assholes cuz they only let her suck their dick and refuse to ever introduce them to their friends, and within 4 minutes entertaining some fuckin disgusting birthday girl turns into a therapy session you can’t fuckin’ escape….but then I realized that Brooke Hogan’s story is not one of big girl, but instead one of incest, of a love for her father that makes other’s uncomfortable because they just don’t get it, they don’t see how true and real it is, they are jealous that they have spent their lives searching for this love that Brooke’s already found, even if it is with her father, and that is the kind of magic I just can’t ignore.
It was DJ AM’s birthday the other day and he went out for dinner with his girlfriend, American Apparel model I make fun of, because the only thing my wife ever modeled was a shit stained mattress for some art project I did when I took an adult ed course for my Welfare program. So everyone go wish him a happy birthday, I hit him up on Twitter, just to say “hey man, let’s laugh about all that mean shit I say about you, cuz it’s just jokes, and happy birthday, send me nudes of Jessica Stam, Cuz I know you have them”, and he just ignored me and I take that shit personal. I was trying to reach out, make good and use his birthday as a jump-off to a long lasting friendship, and he just shunned me and that would hurt if I had emotions.
I know, there’s no pussy in this post, but I am just wakin’ up and working on it. Relax you fucking pigs.
Since today is a day for celebrations, I figured it’d only be appropriate to post these pictures of Eva Herzigova, some model I’ve never heard of, celebrating her birthday, and since being alive is no jive, this is the best kind of celebration you can have, so throw a bikini, some friends, and a beach and you’ve just added some glorious memories for the scrapbook that is your life. Good fucking times.
Yeah, I know, I don’t care about birthdays, but I’m trying to keep upbeat since 1 hour of sleep fucks with my brain and ability to pretty much do anything.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I love the idea of leotards. It is the one piece of clothing that grabs pussy, tits and ass at the same fucking time and that’s just something I don’t have the skill to do because I only have 2 hands. Sure, I could always throw in my feet, but I’m just not that flexible and sure, one-piece bathing suits and a few other clothes do the same fucking thing, but they just make me think of my fat wife at the waterpark or laying in the park like a pile of fucking shit that she is and this cotton shit reminds me of dance class, or the month I spent in an aerobics class back in the late 80s when I was running low on jerk off material and tired of fucking girls in bars.
I find the whole 80s party pretty fucking played out, I mean she could have come up with a better theme, like maybe famous for being the idiot who turned down a high paying job on the hugely successful spinoff of the show that made her relevant, but then everyone would just dress like her and there’s no fun in that.
Either way, here is her leotard huggin her cunt because it doesn’t judge her for the mistakes she’s made in her career like everyone else who hugs her.
I guess I should start posting, I figured everyone was on Christmas Vacation already and wasn’t going to bother, but that’s just because I am lazy and any excuse to stay in bed all day is a good one…
So while I was sitting in my ratty ass sheetless bed, Christina Aguilera was out celebrating her 28th birthday. Wow, 28. Where does the time go. It seems like just yesterday I was jerking off to her on the Mickey Mouse Club….Oh that’s right, I was jerking off to her on the Mickey Mouse Club yesterday, thanks Youtube.
To See The Rest of the Pictures of this Weathered Drunk at her Weird Clockwork Orange Themed Birthday, Follow THis Link….Because the Paparazzi Hate Me… GO
I’ve had a few people email these pictures of Tara Reid at Rox Bar in Miami celebrating her 30th birthday claiming they were taken yesterday, a day after she was admitted into rehab, or at least a day after her PR person tried to orchestrate this stunt, It didn’t make sense to me, at first I thought maybe the rehab story was a lie, to distract bar owners nd bouncers from stopping the puke covered Reid from getting in their club, because they’ll think it’s just a look a like because the real one’s in rehab, or maybe it has to do with securing a potential role, but then I figured out, thanks to Google, that her bithday is in November and that these shits aren’t of her back in action, sucking the booze like it was Carson Daly, and that she may actually be in rehab trying to clean up her act because she’s turned soft and boring. Either way, I am posting them to clear up the air to the 2 people who emailed me this shit, who happen to be the 2 people who read this site.
So the guy behind Von Dutch and Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier has a 16 year old daughter who he neglects and he tried to make up for his absence by throwing her some really over the top birthday party that featured performances by T.I. and The Pussy Cat Dolls, who were introduced by Perez Hilton. Other people in attendance were cheesy coke party slut Paris Hilton and her sister Nicky and some Kardashian.
When they brought her down to get her gift she was surprised by not 1 but 2 cars, because at 16, you need really need 2 fucking cars. I guess that goes to prove that Ed Hardy hasn’t just ruined my life, but it has ruined the life of this little broken down girl who you will see a lot of in the party scene over the next 10 years, but that’s just because daddy’s feeding her money and letting her in on some of his cocaine stash, while every cheesy person in the world and stripper alike are going to be suckin’ her dick, because to an Ed Hardy collector, this Crystal bitch is better than the 900 dollar t-shirt they bought last week.
The highlight of the video is when someone screams “I saw your porno” to Paris Hilton. I wish that person was me. Totally over the fuckin’ top and the whole thing is disgusting to me, the outcome of all this, probably won’t be, because I like seeing people fall from the top because their daddy wasn’t around. It’s pretty much the reason behind 95% of the times I’ve got laid and 95% of the porn I’ve jerked off to….Good times.
Now I may not be one to give parenting advice, because I am the kind of guy who encourages my stepdaughters to fuck, as long as they videotape it for me to critique, but this kind of excess is fucking child abuse. If I was the richest Nouveau Riche man in the world, who huffed lots of blow, fucked lots of hoes and believed that spending all my money on trash made sense, I still would never spoil my kid like that, not because I hate them for ruining my life, but because I know this kind of behavior fucks them up and no good comes from it, but I guess when you’re the guy who conceived Ed Hardy, no good is all you know….
I guess having a 40 year old Pam Anderson surprising Hef naked, showing off her retarded fake tits and kissing him on the mouth like he’s not a 82 year old, is not that big of a deal, considering he pretty much made her fucking career by having her get naked, like he’s done time and time again for other sluts over the course of his lifetime. At least he’s got enough of a perspective to realize that there’s really nothing for him to wish for, he’s got money, all the hottest pussy in the world, he’s healthy, I mean he’s pretty much had this amazing life and lives this amazing lifestyle that people wish they had….and I find the whole thing totally overrated, I mean sure he has Pam Anderson getting naked for him, but I get girls naked for me too, sure, I don’t have to bother with actually having to talk to them, or compliment her, or make them lots of money, because I do it all here from my command center shitty computer, amongst my garbage and dirty clothes and the girls don’t know I exist, because I’m just watching their videos, but it’s better that way, because if I tried to pull that shit in person, no girls would fall for it…Either way, Watch the Video. Even though it’s OLD.
I have always found Paris Hilton offensive, I think it started when I saw how bad of a fuck she was in her shitty video and continued in pretty much everything she did, including this stunt at her birthday party this past weekend where she performed with the Pussycat Doll like she’s someone we want to see in lingerie, without realizing that she is someone we want to see disappear.
I figure that at 27, bitch should lay off the club slutting and settle down with some unwanted pregnancy and deadbeat boyfriend, at least that would get her out of her lingerie and into a housecoat which in Paris’ case, fully clothed is a lot hotter than half naked, but instead she insists on hitting the clubs everynight like some kind of 19 year college girl looking for a rich guy to give her free drinks off his bottle to get her drunk enough to take her back to his luxury condo to teach her ass a life lesson about taking free drinks from a dude.
In these pictures Paris looks like a tranny rockin’ out at a drag show which makes sense since she’s at LAX in Vegas and that’s DJ AM’s on the “down low” gay club that he pretends isn’t a gay club because of he throws bikini contests to distract us from the fact that it’s a gay club, like that time I walked into the bus station at 2 am to take a shit after drinking too much on a bench outside and every bathroom stall was being used by married dudes who would meet there to get busy with other men they didn’t know while their wives were at home. It made for a pretty awkward shit.
Either way, we know the truth about DJ AM and that he is responsible for turning Nicole Richie into a little 90 pound 14 year old boy a few years back because it was the only way he could get it up for her. From what I’ve been told his erectile dysfunction had nothing to do with all the drugs he did in the past, but had to do with wanting dick and even going so far to get gastric bypass to be more desirable in the gay club circuit and I can only assume he’s involved in the hardening of Paris’ face that’s making her look like this skinny dude I know who has a little addiction to size 10 high heels and cheap lingerie, he’s not gay just a little confused from all the drugs he’s on to forget the time his childhood piano teacher taught him what jerking off is with his mouth.