Candice Swanepoel posted these pics to instagram and they are lovely, even if totally expected, because her body makes her millions, it is totally fucking fit, and why the fuck wouldn’t she be showing it off to people, since it is all we want or expect of her….I mean seeing her fully clothed would be like a chef feeding a dinner party a fucking can of beans for dinner….

I am a fan, it is just unfortunate she’s not the farmer’s daughter in South Africa fucking the hired hands, because when she was, she was probably a hell of a lot easier to have sex with, but also a hell of a lot more at risk for HIV….thanks South Africa AIDS statistics for that….

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Her body is ridiculous….and seeing her walk around with a whip isn’t all that bad either….which reminds me that fashion is softcore porn…touchin on some fetish shit…that I am totally into…because let’s face it…my life is pretty boring and this gives me something to do while I’m waiting for drinks….

You know hoping that this becomes fashion, and that the future is filled with women in one piece bathing suits and whips….because isn’t vogue all about style…and so am I….

Just the other day I asked a girl what she was wearing and if I could take it off with my mouth….she freaked out calling me a pervert…even though I just wanted to know her style…I also just want Candice Swanepoel and her tight body to teach me a lesson….even if it involves being fisted. She’s that good.

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Candice Swanepoel posted this bikini pic of her working her ass off in St Barts shooting for Victoria’s Secret for her million dollar a year contract that I assume involves being in a 5 star luxury villa, with staff catering to her every need, unlimited drinks and food and entertainment, to occupy her time that she’s not working, which I assume is probably most of the day, because models are slackers, virtually unemployed, but making bank, all because they look good in pictures…what a joke…..at least for the rest of us, myself not included, because this is barely a job…

Candice Swanepoel is lovely as fuck.

Here’s Victoria’s Secret Models and their “What is Sexy” list that I think is trying to take a cue from DOVE to empower things that are so not sexy….hearing these bitches talk is way less interesting that seeing them half naked…

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Candice Swanepoel gave Utah a shout out, because either she shot this pic there, or she feels as though Utah is just a Cowboy filled land of polygamous relationships, that I would like to hope she is planning on retiring to, because it feels like South Africa, but more importantly, because it feels good to have multiple dick on call….not that she’s a man in a mormom home, but she’s Candice Swanepoel, fit and hot enough to make anything she want happen…like turn me on dressed like a cowgirl leading to impure thoughts of her in the barn, covered in manure, getting fucked up the ass with a rake while sucking me off….not that that is something she wants to have happen, but this is the internet, let’s pretend.

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Candice Swanepoel’s mom celebrated her birthday yesterday, so everyone wish the uterus that built Candice Swanepoel, instead of aborting her, a happy birthday. Her vagina was ravaged in the making of a vagina you all masturbate to, and she should be celebrated for that.

That said, looking at her picture and using my scientifically backed “Looked at the bitch you’re fucking’s mom before getting too serious, because the chances are she’ll end up looking like her, acting like her and aging like her because mom, although fat and scary now, was once young and vibrant, like the pussy you are sticking your dick in”…..leading me to think Candice Swanepoel may not be what she is now, in 20 years, but the good news is the world will probably blow up by then and we’ll never have to see it, so until then, Candice is toned and not muff gutted, her gunt is glorious not menopausal, so whatever she’s gonna age into doen’t really matter, because what she is today is all we care about.

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I can never have too much Candice Swanepoel, even if the pictures of her are fucking boring, staged the same as every other pic, with a little black background to add some flavor to an otherwise identical shoot to every other shoot she has done, because adding the black background is as far as those Victoria’s Secret organized assholes go, and even that probably took a year of planning and pitching from an eager new employee with a vision that finally came true, when really this Candice babe is a puppet, willing to put her legs over her head while naked, if the photographer told her to.

What a waste, but the kind of waste I don’t mind trying to masturbate to.

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Candice Swanepoel is pretty alright. especially when half naked and up against a cop car like she’s some kind of terrorist from South Africa here to drop bombs on the beach in her bikini. You know, or a blood diamond smuggler that uses her vagina as her hiding spot. I mean seeing her bent over any car, in this position, would be worth staring at, the fact that it’s a cop car doesn’t make it any more interesting, because you know she’s just being silly, and really who cares what she’s up against, when all you gotta do is stare at that gap. She’s good at this booty thing…

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