Here is gutter slut Eva Longoria in some possibly sexy photoshoot depending on who you ask in a magazine called Citizen K, which looks like it could be Russian, but I’m not really that solid on identifying foreign languages so it really could be English for all I fucking know, since I never learned how to read.
What I do know is that Eva Longoria’s got a massive vagina, not because she is Mexican and every Mexican I know is designed to birth babies without realizing it, with pussies you can wear as a Nacho Libre mask, but because she’s married to a abnormally tall black man who probably makes the sex tape with her 5 foot frame comical, like a fucking circus performance.
Either way, the Russians or English behind this photoshoot released a pic of her nipple peakin out, I’m pretty sure her reps would put an end to this if they could, but when you fuck with Russia or England, they play by their own rules…
I said some pretty cruel things about how Eva Longoria was just some Mexican immigrant who worked at the right hotel as a chambermaid, and as a Mexican I should have had more pride about her success. I should celebrate it and let the world know that we Mexicans are not just lazy motherfuckers and we can slowly take over the world with people like America Ferrara, George Lopez and Jessica Alba and Longoria, but I don’t really connect with being Mexican and I figure either does Longoria, so I’ll just spew the same stereotypes everyone else is, because I’m just trying to fit in with the white man and because Eva Longoria hasn’t done shit for me.
Wow, I can’t believe people were going crazy over this bitch. She’s nothing more but a Mexican chamber maid who slept with the right hotel guest, a Mexican cleaning lady who had the right client that she would fuck when the wife was out, a Mexican nanny who babysat for the right family who she would fuck when everyone was in bed, you know trash who used her pussy to get ahead and I hope people are starting to realize it….especially when seeing her in these boring fucking pictures…
We get it Eva, you’re insecure about being a Mexican because other Americans look down on your border jumpin’ strategy to get into the country, where you are forced to work illegally, hoping to never get caught and deported, but that doesn’t mean you have to overcompensate and dress like the fuckin’ flag. It’s like that time I overcompensated for being a mexican immigrant by trying to get a job and showing the world we’re not lazy, before realizing that was a stupid idea, so I got fired and was forced to live off my wife.
I feel like I’ve already done this post, mainly because I have. I just figured you’d want to see the rest of the pictures of Eva Longoria in her bikini, because you haven’t missed an episode of desperate housewives since shit started, either because you’re a pussy and your wife makes you do it, or because you have a pussy or wish you had a pussy and you’re just trying to relate to what pussy finds relevant and entertaining, or cuz you like lookin at this dirty Mexican’s hot little body.
I am like my black friend who I used to go to the stripclub with who would look at the black strippers with anger and disgrace. He’d be so ashamed that they would lower themselves to dance on stage for the likes of me that as they’d walk onto stage he’d shake his head is disapproval and turn his back to them. If they came to lure him into a lap dance, he’d throw their arms off him and ask them why the fuck they had to lower themselves to this shit, to being a common fucking whore, and he’d fuckin’ lecture them, and they’d take it until they started crying and would run backstage, only to get us kicked out.
A Mexican American woman is supposed to be making fucking babies, working as a cleaning lady on the side to help her husband barely make fucking rent in the Mexican ghetto they live in. They are not supposed to be parading around yachts, in bikinis, like a common fucking whore for their basketball playing black husbands. She’s a rebeling against her calling and I guess that’s why her ass looks like she’s already had 8 kids.
Here is a picture of Eva Longoria telling the world that she’s a fuckin’ sloppy bitch, who needs smoke and mirrors to look the way she does, and those smoke and mirrors are a pair of fucking spanx she borrowed from Oprah. I guess since marriage she’s had one too many enchiladas, fajitas, tacos and burritos and her shitty Mexican genetic code is catching up with her, and you know that the second those things come off her ass drops, her stomach pops out and she looks like a little troll who rolls cigars in her armpit for a living in her poncho and sombrero. Spanx are just that magical, until you get the bitch home and half naked and have to deal with all that she’s been hiding in them….because we all know that there’s nothing sexier than sliding your hand down the front of some girls really tight undershorts before having her awkwardly take them off in front of you after a party, only for you to be left with the sad truth of what you just got yourself into…..
No spanx….Eva Longoria….No Spanx….
Get it, I just played on the word Spanx and Thanks, and that was pretty lame of me to even think up, if I had shame, I’d be embarrassed right now…
Sure Eva Longoria looks like a fuckin’ rat, but she’s Mexican and seeing Mexican girls slut themselves out really makes me feel like they are taking away all the work I have done to give Mexicans a good name in the world. It’s like when Feminists talk about girls like Lohan and Paris Hilton taking away from all the hard work women have done in the world to get equal pay, respect and the right to vote, while these sluts go around discounting their work by being counter-productive as they show the world their pussies and fuck random men to get ahead and have a good time, while teaching young girls that it’s right to let me eat you out, but making feminsts mad that they’re doing it, except I think Lohan and Hilton are doing good and I think Eva Longoria in her see through shirt is just embarrassing and reminds me of my cousins, mothers and neighbors who worked hard to get her the right to be an American and who probably even helped her parents jump the border, giving her the opportunity to be who she is and she just takes away everything they have done by not wearing a bra for a little attention like a little common fuckin’ whore.
Speaking Lohan, at least I was at the beginning of this post, I got word of the hotel Sam Ronson was staying at and decided it would be funny to leave a sex toy for her to use at the front desk. I don’t know if she was actually staying there, but I wrapped up this free toy a company sent me that was shaped like a hand, something I thought wouldn’t offend her since it wasn’t penis shaped and I wrote a note that read
I heard you were in town and figured that you are probably lonely this and let’s hope this will come in “handy”, get it, since it’s shaped like a hand about to diddle…anyway, I’m more of a one-finger kind of guy, this two finger number will do you wonders. Don’t worry it has never been used, unless my wife snuck in and used it when I wasn’t lookin, in that case you may notice some green shit that should wash off easy and a smell of horse piss and death that will probably take a few hours soaking in bleach to get rid of, but in any case I’ll be broken up if you don’t use this on Lohan.
Here’s Eva Longoria, her rat face and her little nipple cheapening the Mexican race a little more everyday.
Eva Longoria’s really got nothing going on. She’s not hot, her features are weak, the only really thing she’s got going for her is that she’s not fat, something I am convinced Americans hold in high regard, because every bitch there is fat so that when a skinny girl walks by everyone goes fuckin’ crazy like it’s cinco de mayo. The truth is that she’s a fucking mexican and the last thing the world needs is to see anothr Mexican on TV, I figure people are already tired of us from seeing us work as gardeners, restaurant dishwashers, car washers, hotel staff, construction world and don’t need to be reminded that we are slowly and quietly taking over the world.
I guess what it comes down to is that Eva Longoria marries black french dudes, and like a black french dude I used to hang with because he was always down for a good time spending money he stole from his work on taking me to the strippers and everytime a black chick would get on stage, he wouldn’t look because he felt she was taking their race down a couple notches and not helping the advancement of blabk people, not to mention he liked fucking blondies with fat asses and was repulsed by his own kind since they reminded him of his mother. Maybe I’m just a self-hating mexican.
Who really gives a fuck about what I have to say, look at her fucking bikini pictures, she’s probably pregnant, because you give a fuck about this rat of a woman… Asshole.
Eva Longoria is like a cat in heat or a retarded kid who rubs it’s genitals up against things because shit feels good and because he doesn’t know any better, like that time I volunteered to teach retards how to swim and it ended up being a fucking circle jerk as 8 retarded kids pulled out their dicks and started beating their shit harder than their dad’s beat their moms while they were pregnant to make them end up the way they did. I tried to stop them, and figured if you can’t beat them, you might as well join them. The group that organized the retard swim wasn’t too impressed with my attempt to make those fuckers feel normal.
UPDATE: I HAD TO TAKE DOWN THE PICTURES BECAUSE I CAN’T AFFORD TO BUY THEM FOR OUTRAGEOUS PAPARAZZI CON ARTIST PSYCHOPATH CRIMINAL STALKER KICK EM WHILE THEIR DOWN BECAUSE THEY KNOW I CAN’T AFFORD THEIR SHIT
If I wanted to see a Mexican in a a bikini, I’d just sneak into my stepdaughter’s room and squeeze into one of hers, again. Unfortunately, I am not very pretty to look at, otherwise I’d be pursuing a career as the first man to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated, but instead I am just humiliating myself in front of myself, which coincidentally is also in front of all my friends. I guess the good news is that watching me in a bikini, despite being pretty fucking homo, is more entertaining than seeing this bitch on all fours.
I know some of you like her, because she’s the second hottest girl on Desperate Housewives, which is like saying she’s the second hottest girl at the burn victim ward of the hospital because she only lost 40 % of her face. If that didn’t make sense, maybe this will….If you put a decent looking girl amongst old hags, you’re going to naturally want to to fuck her and wrongfully think she’s hot.
It’s some brainwashing that TV does to us that make it impossible to reprogram our brains back to normal and part of the reason why you still think Katie Holmes is a hot piece of ass and you still have Dawson’s Creek posters on your wall. Weirdo.
Regardless, I know she is still hotter than anything you’ve ever fucked, but that’s mainly because you’ve only had sex once and it was with a dog, So I know you would still fuck her, even though you think she’s damaged goods for marrying and getting knocked up by a black guy and his basketball playing penis, You’re racist but not racist enough to turn down vagina….
Some dude just dropped a your mom joke on me and I fucking love your mom jokes, not because I find them that inspiring or creative and totally played the fuck out, but because my mom died when I was a kid and I like to reverse the your mom joke on the motherfucker because any normal person feels bad about droppin that shit on me and that is a lot funnier than saying “your mom” or “that’s what your mom said”. So today I told some dude that he’s awesome for hooking me up with something and he said “that’s what your mom said” and I said:
You know my mom? I thought she died when i was 5…I guess she just ran away from us and the priest who ran the orphanage told us she had died because he didn’t want us feeling like we were abandoned. Tell her I say hi and that I expect my birthday and christmas gifts from the last 32 years in cash.
Here are pictures of the arrivals of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, because I know that girls get off on seeing other girls in their lingerie. It’s like some competitive shit that makes them feel sexy and insecure and makes them want to suck their boyfriend’s dick harder than ever all at the same time, in some weird trying to reclaim that they are the most desirable vagina or some shit.
Hayden Panettiere’s Researching for the Day She Graduates Out of Her Midget Training Bra
Stacy Keibler’s Legs Need a Bra of their Own….cuz They Are So Long, They Are Like a Person of Their Own
Eva Longoria is Mexican and Doesn’t Buy Her Underwear in Packs of 6 from Wal Mart
Rachel Leigh Cook’s Cleavage Lookin’ For Support
Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge because they are Useless
Kat Von D wearing some Crazy fucking Pants cuz She’s Such an Original and Not Trying Hard at All….
Ana Oritz because She’s Got Some Good Cleavage, But I have No Idea Who She Is…
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett
Here are some pictures of Eva Longoria in a bikini that you’ve all seen already, but I am posting because that’s how I do things. I am not the fastest or the most thorough, but I got shit to do like try to convince girls to get naked on webcam or household shit like sit in the pile of dirty laundry including my wife’s shit stained underwear that is sprawled all over the fucking apartment….if you looked at it you’d think we were some kind of rich family, but reality is my wife gets her underwear at the second hand clothing store….since she’s huge she takes 2 pairs and doubles them up as one by sewing them togehter….
I was at a party this weekend and it was daytime outdoor shit filled with crackheads who were on a three day bender going strong…amongst them was a girl with a raped looking face covered in welts walking around in a pair of polka dot booty shorts, that were riding so high up her box I could practically see her anus. I pulled out my camera to try and stepTV the shit, because I never see chicks in bikinis in person and I never see crackwhores without pants on for free, it usually costs 5 dollars for that shit….unfortunately, she was with two crazy meth driven homeless looking dudes with a dog who didn’t like what I was doing and got all in my face jacked on crank and they got in the way of my stepTV magic…
I really don’t have much to say other than I like the way Longoria’s pussy hangs, I love that she bends over for the camera, I just hate her fucking rat face, but who cares what I think, I am not an authority on this shit….I am just some pervert with a shitty website no one reads….
I was talking to a few blogs the other day and they told me shit about how companies approach them to buy them out all the time and advertisers beg them to be on their sites and I realize that I am really doing something wrong because I never get those emails.
I guess I am too hardcore for a mainstream company to want to be a part of and my commentary is pretty irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything really. It isn’t reporting celebrity news, it isn’t changing lives, it isn’t even informative for people looking to better themselves. If I knew how to read I would have taken the time to read a book on how to start a business and it would probably tell me to identify a need and deliver to that need.
It turns out that there’s no real value in what I do. This site is pretty much a waste of space. It barely even entertains the 7 people who check it out daily. So maybe I am having a mid-life crisis trying to find a purpose in life or maybe trying to find something a little more relevant to society than doing what I do but in the meantime in trying to figure all that shit out I am going to leave you with these Eva Longoria bikini ass pictures….
I think what it really comes down to is that there is a place in the world for everyone. I walked into a Subway yesterday because I had to take a shit and my wife made the bathroom off limits for the afternoon, evening and as it turned out part of today too. I don’t know what died in her colon but whatever it was it had a lasting impact on my day. Anyway, I was at Subway at about 10 pm and I saw two socially awkward looking people. The chick was a heavy midget with one leg shorter than the other and the guy was kinda tall and awkward and looked like he was from another country.
These two people were playing MAGIC Cards, for those of you who don’t know, this is the shit that virgins who like wizards love, and I realized that these two people were on a fucking date. Instead of instinctively laughing at them, like I would have when I was a teenager, I felt happy that they found each other. Two seemingly socially awkward losers playing creepy socially awkward card games were getting more sex than you.