Heidi Montag doesn’t realize that she’s fucking ugly and that the only thing she should be taking off of her is her top so that she can use it to cover up her scary fucking face, but instead she’s decided to take off some make-up and try to give us a taste a more natural Montag and all I know is that it tastes like shit.
Whoever told her that she’s a natural beauty needs to be issued a restraining order to not get within 50 yards of any farm animals, and Heidi needs to be given a restraining order to not be allowed within 50 yards of any living creature unless she’s wearing a fucking mask, because she’s ugly.
I don’t normally rip off people’s facebook profiles because I am lazy and figure it could lead to lifetime friendships with specific people that would be cut short if I burnt the bridge. I don’t have any interest is getting to know Holly Montag, her sister or anyone they know, so figured there’s no damage done.
This is Holly Montag, Heidi’s sister’s facebook profile and despite the pictures being pretty boring and standard, you can tell the kind of drunken college spring breaker this bitch is. She likes to have a good time and make out with her friends and be the life of the party but most importantly has the level of fame Heidi should have and that is that she is only known at her local bar and by her sorority sisters and the guys who fuck them.
So she is cut from the same cloth, born in the same barn, made from the same cum, grown in the same womb and raised by the same unstable mother as one of the most useless horse faced, attention craving whores on TV and this is hopefully a glimpse into Heidi’s future, because I’d rather she be wreckin’ shit back home in Colorado than annoying me daily in California.
Either way, I leave you some inspirational words of wisdom courtesy of Holly Montag and her drunken clubslut depth.
“Choice, not chance, determines one’s destiny.”
“So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key.”
-The Eagles, “Already Gone”
“I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I’ve written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.:
“And our dreams are who we are.”
“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity.”
-Thomas Henry Huxley
UPDATE – Holly Montag Emailed Me To Take Down the Pictures:
Hey Drunken Stepfather!
What you wrote was pretty hilarious, but would you mind taking my pictures down please? They are my private photos that only my friends are supposed to be able see, and I think you know better…
Email 2 :
Hello Mr. Martinez–
Well I must say that I’m shocked to find it was one of my own facebook friends that would say such things about me and my fam! First of all, I went through my messages on facebook and did not see one from you…and i have yet to delete one, so I’m not sure what happened there. Second of all, do you have any idea how many people send me messages on a daily basis asking me questions about or bashing my sister? It would literally take my entire day to respond to everyone. I used to allow everyone as my friend and try to respond to each person, but I had to stop and remove a bunch of people a couple of months ago because it became too overwhelming AND you were one of the ONLY people I didn’t know and trust very well that I didn’t remove (I did yesterday though) because for some reason i remembered you being cool. I’m sorry to offend, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t quid pro quo with the extreme you took it to. However, because I thought it to be slightly clever I won’t take offense…as long as you acknowledge that you KNOW I’m not the person you made me out to be…in fact, maybe you should make a sight in my honor to rectify the damage that’s been done. haha no jk, but I hope we’re cool.
Thanks for taking my photos down!
that’s great, very entertaining. i dont care about the bullshit either but i get this kinda of crap all the time when it has nothing to do with me. i dont really give a shit, excpet those are my private pics and you still haven’t taken them down. you know that you do not have my permission to use them and have not licensed them (not sure if you’re familiar with these laws…). i’ve tried to be nice about it, but if you don’t have the pics down in 24 hrs (6/20,10:30am) you’ll be hearing from my attorneys (i have 3 on my staff, please just take them down). no hard feelings. thanks! holly montag
So I decided to do it because the last thing I need is a Montag ruining my fucking life.
Heidi Montag lives a fake life, stars on a fake reality TV show, has fake tits and fake lips, it seems like the only thing real about her is that she is real ugly, I guess she’s also real useless and a real waste of space and if I think that is irony, but then again I never know how to properly identify irony and I blame Alanis Morissette for that. Here she is in some staged pictures with her fake boyfriend where she rocks a bikini, shows off her pretty fit lookin body and pokes out her ass to lure in her male fans like a baboon in heat. I can only assume they are drinking champagne to celebrate how much of a cunt she is, but it’s probably more to do with showing the world just how classy this piece of trash can get because America are suckers and have given her a purpose in life, when she’d be better off taking her insecure horse head to the local strip club where she belongs.
I’ve never watched The Hills, but I fucking hate that shit more than I hate myself, in fact, I hate that shit even more than I hate my wife and that’s one thing I hate more than life itself.
The reason I hate it is because it’s crap. It’s some staged bullshit that’s meant to be “real” and all these fuckers are watching it to see what happens next in the lives of total fucking assholes, who don’t deserve to have a life, let alone have people watch and care about it. The worst thing about this scripted bullshit is that it’s popular. People obviously have miserable lives and turn to this to escape or to feel better about themselves but in doing this, they are contributing to the success of shitty shows, making the lives of the people involved in the show substantially better lives than they deserve, like a false sense of celebrity, money and relevance to the world. I can only assume that giving someone more self esteem and confidence than they should have is the same reason why you see fat chicks on the beach in bikinis or walking down the street in fucking spandex. It’s all because some asshole told her she was hot and it stuck.
These pictures are some bullshit day spend by bullshit couple Heidi Montag and Spencer because couples only climb up on each other’s shoulders for bullshit photo ops and not when just hanging out with each other because no matter how in love you are or how much you don’t care about the outside world because you’re fully absorbed, you still have enough pride to never put your girl up on your shoulders. Plus, we all know that when Heidi is alone with her boyfriends, they are the ones strapping the saddle on her back and riding her because anyone who gets with her has to have some kind of equestrian fetish . The only thing realistic about this whole stunt is when Spencer feeds Heidi Montag’s father a carrot as a token of gratitude for letting him fuck his daughter because his suit isn’t the only thing classy about him….
I don’t really know what the deal with The Hills is but I do know that none of the bitches on the show are hot enough to fuck. They are all a bunch of average at best lookin’ girls and have no fucking business being on TV. I guess to be fair, Roseanne, Darlene from Roseanne, Grace Under Fire and Rosie O’Donnel have all had really successful TV careers, but I guess they never mistakenly took that success as being some kind of sex symbol.
So here’s Heid and her fucking loser pretend boyfriend, with her pretend tits and her pretend success that came from a pretend show, showing off a line of clothing called Heidiwood, which isn’t a pretend tacky name, and isn’t pretend ugly, and will only be worn by girls who don’t pretend they aren’t sluts, but actually embrace that shit and flock to anything that requires a bikini wax to wear.
This is on some on some neon g-string cat suit level that is the same quality as anything sold in a sex shop, worn by a stripper or on a porn set, it’s the kind of shit that gives you a rash when you put it on, but the good news is this time the rash isn’t caused by another herpes outbreak. Let’s celebrate!! Too bad no one is here to give me a dozen roses to make me feel good on my special day.
The good news is that John McCain knows that Heidi Montag is a fucking joke too. When I first read this shit yesterday I thought he was actually being serious that he was a huge Hills fan and now he says that Heidi Montag is a very talented actress while laughing and back tracks it by saying at least he’s got Sylvestor Stallone and Clint Eastwood on his side. So not only do we all think Montag’s a fuckin joke, but so does the future president, because I doubt a women or black man will win and dude publicly laughs at her which is enough reason for me to vote for him, provided I wasn’t an illegal.
I guess we can hope dude lays some kind of law in place that leads to her being deported because bitches like her are a bigger stain on the nation than the Iraq war. Sure people are dying in Iraq, the economy is destroyed to kill for oil, money that could have been used to help cure cancer or aids or the poverty issue in the USA but I wouldn’t be surprised if the success of Montag is responsible for the state of the nation and a couple suicides because I know when I hear her music and realize that she’s rich for nothing while people like me are struggling to buy a can of soup and a coffee, I’d be better off dead. It’s one of those what kind of world do we live in situation.
I thought these bitches were rich girls before The Hills and Laguna Beach started paying them, I guess no matter how much money you have, if you find a bikini you like, you rock that shit daily, because Heidi Montag’s already been seen showing off her fake tits in this bikini weeks ago. I wear the same thing everyday, because I only own a couple of t-shirts and 1 pair of jeans, but I am poor, so when people who see me regularly give me dirty looks because of the smell of these fucking things, I don’t fully blame them. Sometimes when I am sitting at the computer and can smell my own ass, I give myself dirty looks and wish that I wasn’t too lazy to wash them or that I was rich enough to replace them, but let’s face it, when money comes my way, I have a responsibility to myself to spend it on booze.
There was a time that I used to hang with drug addicted hookers, I call those years “The Good Life” like I was Kanye West, but less black. Between the group of them they only owned 2 pairs of underwear each, so if they were seeing the same client for a renewal, they’d switch underwear with one of the other girls. They wouldn’t even think about how fucking disgusting that was, or consider the shit they could get from doing that, but when you fuck multiple men a day for money in back alleys, I guess you don’t really care about what the fuck happens to your vagina. In reality, I thought the whole thing was nice to see, because it meant that they were still girls and still vain and cared about being sexy and not judged by the guys even though their faces were falling off and they smelled like shit.
Either way, here is Heidi Montag in the same bikini as last time, making stupid faces to distract you from her naturally stupid looking face.
I just spent 10 minutes trying to figure out if these bikini pics are old or not because I feel like they are, but decided fuck it, I am going to post them anyway, because bikinis brighten up our day and because I have no editorial standards. Speaking of bright days, I had a bowl of cereal today, and the milk was sour. That’s pretty much the kind of days I always have. I ate the shit anyway because I don’t have money to buy milk and it was the last of the cereal. It tasted like shit and probably will rape my insides, but that’s just what hard living is all about.
I can only assume that’s what Heidi Montag’s baby’s going to feel like as long as he’s breast feeding, because her tits look like they are going to pop and the silicone will probably make her milk sour and her baby retarded, not that he wouldn’t be retarded in the first place, but I am just saying….
I wonder how many boys teased her growing up about being flat chested. I wonder if they used to call her flat things, like Heidi Mont-Flat, because kids are mean like that and whatever they did they gave her a complex. Maybe one of her ex boyfriends would make her fuck with her shirt on and told her that when she takes it off it reminds him of fucking a dude and he can’t stomach that shit, or maybe he just would always talk about how hot her friends tits were.
The new tits she would rather die than not have are like a new lease on life. She’s like a whole new girl, and in these pictures she looks like a lame party slut, one who will let her friends and strangers see how awesome the new tits are, even if fake tits are never awesome, but she’ll never realize it because getting fake tits in the first place means you think fake tits are hotter than your little awkward uneven tits everyone used to laugh at…..
The point of this post is that new tits and hot body don’t take away from the fact that she needs a new face, it may take a little focus off her ugly, but she’s still ugly. I can’t get this sour milk taste out of my mouth so that’s where this post ends. Goodbyes are never easy….maybe we should just leave it at See You Later….it’s easier that way….
I don’t have cable so I don’t know if the MTV show this slag Heidi Montag is on has hit yet, but I heard somewhere that it’s going to include a whole lot of bikini scenes and pool parties. I figure that this Montag slut got herself a set of fake tits in preparation for a big summer of shitty TV that will include her in her bikini often and that MTV paid for the tits to bring in ratings. I don’t really have anything wrong with that, I am all for bonuses on the job, especially when they openly advertise to the 15 year old girls everywhere that boys only like big tits, giving them complexes about their small underdeveloped tits, leading to a lot of sex with their first boyfriend with their shit on until they save enough money for their paper route to buy themselves a new set of tits.
I hate implants. I hate the way they feel because it reminds me of sucking on a basketball but more importantly I hate what they do to girls. It takes them from being shy about their shit to using their tits as a fucking party favor. They start wearing low cut shirts, they start pulling their tits out everywhere, they start taking as much cock as they can find because all of a sudden dudes are paying attention to them. What they don’t realize, is that dudes would be paying attention to them just as much if they were pulling their smaller real tits out prior to this new found confidence. I guess this all sounds pretty homo of me, you’d think I’d be the guy in the party screamin for tits to be exposed, and I am, but there’s a real sense of accomplishment when the girl who pulls her tits out is a little shy and modest about her gear rather than a piece of trash whore letting the world know she saved up $6000. I don’t know where I am going with this, but if anyone out there is a girl with smaller tits, remember I love you and that getting these fucking mods done to your body like you were on Pimp My Ride, will only make you a piece of trash in my eyes. The kind of girl I’d convince to let me piss in her mouth and not the kind of girl I’d actually want to spend the afternoon watching sun tan in the park….
All I’ve got to say about this Heidi Montag Character is that at least her fake tits distract me from her busted up old pick-up truck of a face and that’s probably what this insecure bitch who thinks she better looking and more important than she actually was going for…the pictures are posed and probably to promote the stupid show. I guess her tits were a good investment for MTV…
So this is some bitch I’ve never really heard of because I am not really into the whole MTV thing since I don’t have cable, and even if I did have cable I would probably be watching Discovery to learn how things are built or TLC to watch the Baby Story show. It turns out that one of my friend’s from the park just found out his recent mail order bride is pregnant and that they will be having their first baby in 9 months from now. So I’d like to use this site to say congratulations and good fucking luck ever making it back to the park when you’re too busy changing diapers and shit. You life as it was is over, but that’s not a bad thing because drinking on a park bench with a bunch of losers isn’t really living anyway.
A congratulations goes out to this couple too because it turns out that this breast implanted Varsity Cheerleading Squad Captain lookin’ stripper and her boyfriend who looks like some dick named Blair who is the Varisty Tennis Team Captain just got engaged. It’s like one of those obnoxious blue blooded engagements you see in the movies where the Prom Queen and KIng live happily ever after or some shit. Lucky for us, this isn’t a movie, and the chances of him sticking it out with her are pretty fucking slim, because her fake tits or not she still looks like a horse….and tits are only a fun distraction when your ugly girlfriend gets them and for the first 6 months of her having them and then the novelty wears off.
It’s like when you got your first Nintendo you could really only handle Mario and Duck Hunt for so fucking long before you had to beat up and steal from the fat kid at school who was an only child and who had every game ever made because his parents felt guilty for not giving him a friend to play with and compensated by giving him toys….
Let’s hope that daddy goes bankrupt, boyfriend leaves her and that she can’t land work and is forced to turn to stripping because her fake tits were like a business expense that made her pretty qualified for the job..