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Archive for the Lauren Conrad Category

2008

22

Oct

Lauren Conrad Shows Off her Legs of the Day

People say Lauren Conrad is useless, and I say that’s bullshit, her show is useless, there’s no doubt about that, butaccording to these pictures she’s got a decent set of legs, both feet, both arms and both hands. I mean I’ve met amputees and they don’t really give a very good handjob, if you know what I mean…..

She’s also got a mouth, tits, an ass and a pussy. Making her as useful as any girl can possibly get. So stop hating on her, while I stop posting on the site, because this post was a fucking travesty and I think I’m better suited to go out drinking because I need new material and it is Wednesday night afterall….

Posted in:Lauren Conrad|Legs

2008

09

Oct

Lauren Conrad Bought an Audi R8 of the Day

Everyone hates on Lauren Conrad and the cast of The Hills for making shit loads of money for being useless cunts, but the real person to hate, is yourself. What it comes down to is that you or people you know watch the show and get caught up in their fabricated lives and feed into its success. That is the reason why she gets paid enough money to buy herself 115,000 dollar cars, while the rest of America is going bankrupt and losing their houses, and I feel like she deserves it because she’s the one on the fucking show and if she was getting paid any less, that money would be further lining MTVs pockets and their already making enough off this scam. So here she is in her nice new car she recently had delivered while I’m about to go out on a drive on my mismatched running shoes I got at the Salvation Army.

Posted in:Lauren Conrad|New Car

2008

03

Oct

Lauren Conrad Leaves a Bar With a Random Man at 2 AM and No One Cares But the Paparazzi of the Day

I came across this video of Lauren Conrad leaving a club and the paparazzi is a really nice guy. He calls her sweety and he tells her to be safe about 50 fuckin’ times like he is legitimately worried the paparazzi are going to Princess Diana her, except for the fact that no one gives enough of a fuck about her to run her off the road and into a cement wall. Maybe the dude was making reference to the sex she is going to be getting from the coat tail celebrity riding dude in the video, and the paparazzi doesn’t want her to get STDs or pregnant.

Speaking of unprotected sex, I wanted to message a friend of mine who knocked up a girl a couple weeks ago and who has been fighting with her to get an abortion and who actually won the battle yesterday, something nice. So I congratulated him on his abortion by asking if it turned him on. The problem is that I accidentally sent the message to a random hot girl, who like all girls older than 21, has probably had an abortion and she went nuts. It’s like shit struck a nerve, she got defensive, asked who told me about it and now thinks everyone knows she’s a fetus killer. I told her that the message was meant for someone else, and she wasn’t having it. Now she’s probably going to off herself because of the shame. Oh, the fun that is the internet.

Who fucking, knows, but I think this is the kind of game that made Britney Spears fall in love with her very own sweet talkin’ charmer of a paparazzi and again, who really gives a fuck.

Posted in:Lauren Conrad|Paparazzi

2008

29

Aug

Drunken Lo from the Hills has a Shitty See Through Shirt On of the Day

I went through a period of time where I acted like an obnoxious artist. I wouldn’t watch movies, TV or read the paper because I didn’t want the outside world influencing me or my writing on the site, the truth was I was just poor, couldn’t afford TV, movies or books and it made for a good excuse to get my wife off my back when she wanted to go on dates or spend time together, not physically off my back because if she was on my back, I’d probably be hospitalized, but you know what I mean. I recently started re-integrating into society by listening to Ryan Seacrest’s weekly top 40 in the pharmacy on the weekend. I just send an hour roaming the aisles and not buying anything because they don’t care if I window shop. Last week, he was interviewing lying whore Montag and they were talking about Lo and Lauren from The Hills and since I will never watch the show I had no idea who she was, until coming across these pictures of her in a shitty see through shirt, being ugly and escorted out by Lauren Conrad. I don’t really know why I am posting this shit, but I’ve gone this far so will finish the job, I guess I’m just doin’ it for the drunk chicks out there, because one day this could be you and your Lauren Conrad will come in the shape of a random dude you don’t know who will have unprotected sex with you making you think you have AIDS and a pregnancy to deal with for the next few months. Oh to be young again.

Posted in:Lauren Conrad|Lo|The Hills

2008

10

Jul

Lauren Conrad Drunk as Tits of the Day

I like drunk chicks, so seeing a drunk Lauren Conrad with her natural tits hanging out of her shirt makes me happy. I am tired of The Hills and the ugliness it produces and despite being average at best, Lauren Conrad is hotter than any of her costars. Heidi Montag is just horse-faced and ridiculous in her bible thumping bullshit lie of a life, and Audrina is a mutant who distracts you from her mutant face with a set of fake tits that I could have if I had 10,000 dollars to spend on tits, and last time I checked, if you can buy it, shit’s not representative of how hot you re.

I guess it doesn’t matter, mainly because The Hills don’t matter and soon enough the world will catch on and shit will be nothing more than something in the MTV archives no one really remembers enough to do a reunion special for and maybe I just like Lauren Conrad cuz she’s drunk and drunk girls have always been a crucail component in my getting laid….and here she is in low cut outfit busting out.

Posted in:Drunk|Lauren Conrad|Tits

2008

21

Mar

Lauren Conrad Grabs Her Tit of the Day

So Lauren Conrad’s not famous and either are her tits. She’s not like her reality star friends, who aren’t even reality stars because shit is scripted harder than my prescription pill popping friend, but reality stars because MTV wants you to think it’s real because that makes it more exciting to watch. Either way, she’s bending over and giving your ass a peek at some tit, which brings back memories of every time you leave your house, because you are a pervert and scope out everyone around you out so hard, hoping just one of them will be a woman slippin up with her low cut shirt bending over to pick up her purse, or her lipstick that she dropped so that you have something to jerk off to later and the good news is that you won’t get caught like I always seem to be every time I get caught checking out a girl, but that’s usually because I am hiding in their closet and can’t seem to hold myself back from jumping into the bath or in bed with them when they least expect it. It turns out that not everybody likes a good surprise and that’s all I have to say about that.

Posted in:Grab|Lauren Conrad|Tit

2008

14

Mar

Lauren Conrad in her Pajamas of the Day

Image Removed due to Papparazzi

Lauren Conrad is the lazy kind of rich girl who sits around in a pair of pajama pants laying in front of the couch all day, ordering her servants to serve on her, until realizing that she really needs a coffee or to run an errand like getting a pussy wax or something her servant can’t do for her and she doesn’t bother putting on a normal pair of pants because everyday is fucking summer camp for her and the world is her fuckin’ bedroom, we’re just all visitors in it.

Nothing turns me off more than a girl in a pair of pajama pants like this, other than men in a pair of pajama pants like this. The reason I hate them is because I know the bitch is not going to fuck me or is on her period or some shit every time she crawls into bed rockin’ a pair of these. It means no pussy for me because even if i want to feel romantic and try to put her in the mood by shoving my boner between her ass cheeks and start try humpin’ her as she sleeps, I feel like I’m trying to get it on with an 8 year old, because they are the only fuckers who have any business wearing this kind of thing to bed, and even they have the decency to get fuckin’ dressed before leaving their house….

I guess in an ideal world any girl who sleeps in the same bed as me will be nude or in something that leaves her vagina exposed because that way I have easy access to finger bang or squeeze my dick in them while they sleep, it’s pretty much the only sex I could ever get without drugs or money….unfortunately, it’s not an ideal world and my wife is a fucking beast who fortunately smells too bad to sleep with naked, so I try to wrap her clothed body up in one of those plastic sheets you have to prevent pissing through the mattress because she’s the last bitch I’d want to midnight molest.

Posted in:Lauren Conrad|Pajamas

2007

16

Nov

I am – People Who Attended the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show of the Day

vs_arrivals_top.jpg

Some dude just dropped a your mom joke on me and I fucking love your mom jokes, not because I find them that inspiring or creative and totally played the fuck out, but because my mom died when I was a kid and I like to reverse the your mom joke on the motherfucker because any normal person feels bad about droppin that shit on me and that is a lot funnier than saying “your mom” or “that’s what your mom said”. So today I told some dude that he’s awesome for hooking me up with something and he said “that’s what your mom said” and I said:

You know my mom? I thought she died when i was 5…I guess she just ran away from us and the priest who ran the orphanage told us she had died because he didn’t want us feeling like we were abandoned. Tell her I say hi and that I expect my birthday and christmas gifts from the last 32 years in cash.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Here are pictures of the arrivals of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, because I know that girls get off on seeing other girls in their lingerie. It’s like some competitive shit that makes them feel sexy and insecure and makes them want to suck their boyfriend’s dick harder than ever all at the same time, in some weird trying to reclaim that they are the most desirable vagina or some shit.

Hayden Panettiere’s Researching for the Day She Graduates Out of Her Midget Training Bra

Stacy Keibler’s Legs Need a Bra of their Own….cuz They Are So Long, They Are Like a Person of Their Own

Eva Longoria is Mexican and Doesn’t Buy Her Underwear in Packs of 6 from Wal Mart

Rachel Leigh Cook’s Cleavage Lookin’ For Support

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge because they are Useless

Kat Von D wearing some Crazy fucking Pants cuz She’s Such an Original and Not Trying Hard at All….

Ana Oritz because She’s Got Some Good Cleavage, But I have No Idea Who She Is…


Related Posts:

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Picture

Posted in:Arrivals|Audrina Patridge|Eva Longoria|Hayden Panettiere|Kat Von D|Lauren Conrad|Rachel Leigh Cook|Stacy Keibler|Unsorted|Victoria's Secret

2007

29

Oct

I am – Lauren Conrad’s Got Booze of the Day

Image Removed due to Papparazzi

Finally, some pictures of Lauren Conrad that I can jerk off to because I find booze the hottest thing out there and it’s safe to say that I am in love with alcohol, it’s been the most reliable friend in my life and has never real done me wrong, other than all the stupid shit I’ve done while drunk, like driving, or having unprotected sex with sluts, but for the most part we’ve had a lot of good times. So seeing Lauren Conrad buying all this booze for her party makes me want to be on a shitty reality TV show so that I can afford my very own trip to the alcohol store like this. This is the shit that makes me want to win the lottery or rob some old bitch, because I never really cared about the nice cars or houses money buys, I just care about trips to the liquor store.

I can only assume that Lauren Conrad’s putting all this effort into stocking up her bar in hopes that this booze will make some poor fucker drunk enough to fuck her or at least think she’s worth a fuck.


Related Posts:

Lauren Conrad in a Bikini Pictures
Kristin Cavallari Dressed Like a Slut
Heidi Montag in a Pink Bikini

Posted in:Alcohol|Booze|Drunk|Lauren Conrad|Unsorted