Remember when Teri Hatcher was all the rage. It was back when she was on some bootleg Superman show that depressed me to watch at the time…without realizing that a decade and a half later…the real depression would be in her bra…cuz her tits look deflated and sad…not to mention her face looks like something out of a zombie movie where she came to life to eat brains after dying a horrible scuba diving accident and I am legitimately scared of whatever I am looking at….pussy everyone freaked out about doesn’t always stay that way and here’s the proof….
I was just thinking to myself “Remember when everyone wanted to fuck Teri Hatcher, it must have been a few years ago, and now I never even bother putting her pictures up because she’s old, weathered and disgusting” and then she goes and pulls this stunt…
Actually, I wasn’t thinking anything to myself at all, because I generally only think bad things and try to turn that shit off with booze and procrastination, and I’d never say a bitch is too old or too weathered for me, because the older the better, from experience, to inability for pregnancy, to no memory of the events that unfolded, sign me the fuck up, so I’d never say that, but when I saw these pics, I thought shit, remember when people wanted to fuck this girl and all they did was talk about her, whether on that Superman shit or Housewives…well I guess she’s let that get to her head and hasn’t given up on herself, even though most people have cuz she’s showing a pretty solid wax and based on experience, real old ladies don’t bother maintaining that shit….only ones with egos do and that doesn’t answer my real question, which is wondering what this rotting slab of meat in her bike shorts smells like before and after triathlons she takes part on in efforts of provin’ she’s as fit as she was when people actually wanted to fuck her, but I guess I’m just a sick man…
Teri Hatcher takes halloween to heart and shows up at some kids charity to scare the fuck out of everyone in the fucking place. I don’t think that was her plan but halloween is the time to celebrate death and she’s been doing a lot of celebrating for the last 10 years because bitch looks like fucking death and has for a long time.
I was at some fish market, not because I eat fish but because I like the smell and just can’t get enough of it. The Old Greeks guys who run the place were talking about Desperate Housewives and how much they love it and how they want to bend Eva Longoria and teach her the greek olive oil way. I realized that they would be better bloggers than me and had to leave even though it smelled like heaven and by heaven I mean like some washed up old hooker who had three days of cum still up inside her.
Either way, I like how she smeared her last period before she menopause that she kept in the fridge on her lips as some kind of ceremonial celebration sacrifice.
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett