I have no idea why I looked up Christmas Twerks on youtube, but I was curious to see whether they existed, and it turns out they do, or they did back in 2013 when Twerking was a thing, not that it was ever not a thing, girls shaking their ass is timeless, but for a minute and a half, it was everything…now it’s just…customary, standard, expected…..I figured you could bust out your Roll-Uh-Bowl , get “lit” (lol), and stare at these for hours…
A little known fact about me is that I am Christmas obsessed, from fucking girls named Carol, to sitting in malls watching bitches watch lingerie, to all the food, drink Holiday themed everything, I get fully swept up.
I have seen every Holiday movie, I have seen every bad Christmas sweater on every bi-sexual looking hipster, I have decorated trees, I have given gifts, I have gone to Holiday work parties and I am sad that it is all going to end in a day or two.
Now I don’t really actually celebrate Christmas, but my last month has been jacked on Christmas and I’ve decided that nothing says Holiday Spirit like some elf sounding motherfucker with a match in his ass in a YouTube video singing Christmas Tree.
I don’t really understand what this has to do with Christmas, or whether this is actually a Christmas Miracle or not, but I do know that the internet breeds weirdness, and sometimes that weirdness is so weird that I like it, not in a sexual way, in a “why did this video happen” kind of way…
So from my Christmas Filled heart to yours, here is a clip that will give Merry Christmas Charlie Brown a run for his bald head money….
What better way to start the day and get in the Holiday Spirit that to watch some crazy Jesus people make a baby come to life. Nine days or less til Christmast is not a very long time to convert you cold, evil, dead soul to a warm, loving and friendly Christmas spirit, you know good will towards men, I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, it’s a wonderful life, bullshit that Hallmark and Coca Cola have been force feeding us our entire lives….maybe there is hope, maybe there is a higher power and I think this is the proof you need to know….that we are smaller and less important than we think we are and that maybe there is a Santa Claus…and he is in the form of this Christian Minister…because there’s no way she didn’t just pay this gutter mother to give her kid a sleeping pill and to keep her mouth shut or else she’ll go to child services or to the welfare……
Either way, this psycho Jesus bitch should start a Cancer clinic to save the motherfuckers….or she needs to be shut down for being a fucking con artist….
The Pussycat Dolls brought in the Christmas cheer, by dressing up in latex and corsets and showing off their tits and asses as they danced around simulating sex. Sure that may not being a conventional Christmas for you, but you’re probably the kind of motherfucker who goes home for the holidays to re-connect with family and friends and relive your beautiful little picture perfect childhood, and not the kind of guy who goes to the strip club for lap dances, because without the strippers in your life, you’ve got no one else, because you are all alone and no one called you to invite you to spend the holidays with them and you have no choice but to go the only place you know someone will badly pretend to like you and not your wallet so that you can sit down with them for a nice Turkey Dinner and gift exchange for 10 dollars a dance in the booth, with contact. Tis the fuckin’ season for suicide… ya know.
This Nicola McLean bitch is the new spokesperson for Christmas or some shit. She is relatively a nobody, from the UK, on some reality shows and shit, but all of a sudden, the calendar hid december and next thing you know, new Christmas and winter themed pictures of her in her lingerie or showing off her tits at event start hitting the internet hard. I am not sure what’s going on in these pictures, but looks like Yahoo! goes a whole new marketing strategy to take over Google, because big titties seem to always work….
Speaking of big, I was at some point last night and my eye sight is fucking shit….I was pushing through this crowd of people and brushed into some tall, thin, long haired person. As I put my hands on her hips I softly said “excuse me for brushing up against you, I’m pretty big”, and that’s when the person turned around, smiled at me and was a fucking dude. True story.
I guess that’s got nothing to do with Nicola McLean or her tits, but since it was my company Christmas party for one, I figure my story ties in nicely…..and I guess that’s what matters.
Ellen and Britney went out to celebrate Ellen’s lesbian Christmas by going door to door harassing people. When I first read the email subject of “Ellen and Britney got Caroling” I thought I was going to click into some dirty video of them going down on some chick named Carol, or maybe Caroling is some lesbian term for fisting because fisting was perfected by some chick named Carol, but that’s just because Ellen is like the lesbian den mother who recruits and takes care of the newly admitted starlets to the lesbian ward, but I was wrong, they just went to people houses, sang and danced and acted a fool and the only thing of value in all this is when Ellen and Britney do the slutty Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer dance for some old dude. I know Ellen and Britney knocking at my door randomly is the first sceen of the porno I have written about them in my head, just minutes before Rosie shows up with some junk food to fuel or minute and a half of passion, because I don’t last under those really hot circumstances, but I guess this guy wasn’t as good at closing the deal as I am (in my fantasy).
This segment of the Ellen show should bring some joy to your cold, lonley life. Grinch. Especially when Britney can’t sing but does giggles when she says “the lord has cum” because she knows all about that shit, she is a mother of 2, or maybe when she scarfs down a cookie knowing that’s the shit that ruined her going back in her. Slut.
A few years ago I applied to be a mall Santa. I heard the pay was good, the work was seasonal, but I didn’t get the job because when they asked me why I wanted to do it. I didn’t go with the answer I had planned that involved me wanting to bring happiness to kids by being the embodiment of a myth that brings them joy and finding personal satisfaction in taking such an important roll in their life, but instead went with saying that I love asking anyone if they’ve been naughty while they are sitting on my lap telling me what they want, if you know what I mean, while winking at the dude doing the hiring. Instead of the job, I got reported to security to keep an eye out on me in the event they saw me near the Santa station. I guess they can’t take a joke…
But it turns out the people at this Hayden Panettiere event can, because they cast the ugliest Mrs Claus I’ve ever seen. She reminds me of the half retarded girl, who wasn’t quite retarded enough to be institutionalized, but was half retarded enough to have no friends in my highschool, except for my dick after I trained her how to make it cum on lunch hour. Merry Christmas.
I have decided that I am a hypocrite.I am inconsistent in all aspects of my life and like some things some days and hate them the next day. For the longest time I hated The Hills and everything it represented, I am sure I’ve mentioned it here a few times. But as the rest of the world started to catch onto the bullshit and started calling the cast out on living scripted lives, setting up staged everything, and paying the paparazzi to be there, all to perpetuate lies to the fans, I decided to start liking them.
It’s kind of like how skateboarding went gay in 1997 with Tony Hawk Pro Skater video games, making me hate everything about skateboarding in a matter of months when I started seeing Cha Chi motherfucker wearin’ skate shoes and I realized the fun was over, and now that everyone hates on The Hills, I need to start a fight to keep it around because watching Heidi and Spencer and their bullshit poses at a Christmas Tree farm, kissing under the misseltoe like they were in a shitty made for TV movie on the Hallmark Channel, or a low budget Christmas catalog, or even a scripted reality show, pretty much telling us all we’re fucking assholes for watching them act like assholes, the only thing these pictures is missing is them giving us the finger while counting their money, hopefully money they use to buy Spencer some testosterone for Christmas so bitch can grow a full beard instead of this teenage pervert shit…
Either way, here’s their performance and it warms my heart and if you want to get me something for Christmas, the only thing on my list is “The Hills Box Set” or even a signed picture from this power couple since I am officially their number 1 fan. Thanks.
The Christmas miracle of the day, one month after Christmas, is that Gemma Atkinson still gets work and that works is doing some launch of some in-store month after Christmas sale. This is like the local radio host broadcasting live from the furniture store or some shit and that’s one step away of sprawling your big fat tits across new mid-range cars on display in the Mall or even handing out samples of new flavors of pickles at the discount store.
None of that really matters, when you are a useless bitch with big tits you take any job you can get because work is work and that’s more than I can say for myself. I think the fact that Gemma got all done up in red is just a sign of how committed she is to the task no matter how how insignificant or embarrassing it is and that’s the kind of work ethic that leads a girl to showing off her huge tits to get ahead by not having to work the pole in the local strip club to pay the rent and in my boring internet based life, there’s nothing wrong with that, because it gives me something to look at.
Here are some pictures of Ashley Tisdale at the Starlight Starbright Children’s Foundation yesterday and she’s looking pretty fucking obnoxious. I am guessing that is just because we all know that she doesn’t want to be there and that this is pulling one of her shitty performances like she does on shitty TV shows or shitty Music Videos and that she’d probably rather be sleeping in, or practicing new shitty songs for her shitty solo career, or sucking executive cock to get her to the next level so that her attempt of being the shitty version of Britney Spears 3 years ago all works out.
Helping the kids or giving back to people less fortunate on her, just pisses her off and inconveniences her shitty spoiled personality and her smiling bulldozer of a face isn’t going trick us or save her publicist from the lash out she gives him for setting all this up.
I am just making assumptions here, but I can tell bitch is a phony and I’m not just talking about her nose.