Remember masturbating to Rachel Stevens back when she was on S Club 7, constantly in her bikini, showing off her tight body, reminding us that not everyone in the UK look like they crawled out of a sewer to eat our babies? Either do I. I do know that I haven’t seen or heard of her in a long time but it looks like FHM decided to go vintage and scrape through the dumpster or the basement filing cabinet to find someone to feature on their cover and Rachel Stevens some how managed to weasel her way onto the shit and these are the pics…
I saw Zombieland the other day with a friend who paid for me because I am a whore like that.
A few minutes into the movie I decided that I wanted to marry Amber Heard or at least her vagina with my penis, but that may not be because she is all that hot and more because the only way I can sit thru any movie is if I can find a female character I can fantasize about doing dirty things to for pretty much the entire movie, otherwise I get really fucking bored and angry, and between her and Little Miss Sunshine, the compeition was pretty fuckin slim……but here she is in FHM and it turns out that I still want to fuck her….she is going to be the next it girl…
Her name is Pixie Lott, she’s 18, she just released her first single a couple months ago in the UK and shit’s apparently poppin’ on the charts which means it’s probably fucking garbage. I know this because Virgin bought over our local radio station and I have to listen to the European countdown every once in a while when my wife has the shit on and most of the time, their pop music makes me want to kill myself but then again so do most things.
The good news is that she’s young tight bodied and eager and ambitious young girls make for an easy blowjob and even if you’re not the one getting it, because you’re a nobody who can’t advance her career, the idea of her willingness helps with the masturbation to her pics from some FHM photoshoot.
Here’s an over glorified American Apparel model, also known as Mischa Barton, hanging onto her career as hard as she can cause her management or PR people dropped her and she needs to survive by taking off her clothes…the way I like it.
What I don’t like is this fucking hipster trash, it’s taking over the mainstream, it is everywhere I fucking look, from Lady Gaga to fucking Sharon Stone. There are so many insecure fuckers, trying to be on top of the latest fashion craze or music craze all while sucking up to each other and reassuring each other that being as annoying and outrageous as possible will help people forget that 2 years ago they were listening to Britney Spears and wearing The Gap and Juicy Couture like they were Paris Hilton, because at the time it was the cool thing to do. Fucking shapeshifting assholes.
It is all so fucking contrived, but I guess all it takes is sucking up or sucking off to be make it in the world, so get fucking cracking cause I made the mistake of telling everyone to fuck themselves and I sleep on a shit stained box spring, not a life I’d recommend for anyone.
Bonus that’s not really a bonus, DJ AM’s social climbing record carrying, unattractive whore of a girlfriend is an American Apparel Model because she’s not hot enough to be a real model and here she is leaving some exclusive party he DJed at and she got into because she’s fucking him, when otherwise she’d be drinking pitchers of beer with kids in skinny jeans and flannel shirts as they count their trust fund change to buy some blow or some shit…
Abigail Clancy is some UK coke slut who landed a footballer and started dating him and touring as a WAG a couple of years ago, until a video of her doing blow was released to the media, leading to him dumping her via fax, to try to clean his image, because you know where a girl’s ripping lines, the guy she’s fuckin’ isn’t too far behind, and that’s the kind of shit pro athletes don’t really like having out there about themselves, despite the fact that most of the pro athlete’s I’ve ever seen at bars and clubs over the last 15 years, have been the first in the bathroom line, but I guess none of that matters and what does matter is that she did some shitty shoot for FHM Germany, wearing a Guns N’ Roses shirt, because Germany’s a little slow on shit, proven in David Hasselhoff’s singing success there and their failure to take over the world back in the 40s.
I didn’t get arrested like I thought I would. But I did hide in the corner of my appartment all night hugging my knees expecting some big scary police man or bailiff to come take me away so I didn’t get much sleep and just woke up now. That’s pretty irresonsible of me, but the truth is I have paranoia issues and I don’t really understand the legalities of the internet and just started this site for fun and now feel like I am in over my head and shit, but I don’t want to bore you with all that. I mean who cares if I end up jumping into traffic thinking some random dude on the street corner is the FBI staking me out because he’s talking on his bluetooth, or if the van parked outside my house isn’t a molestor like I thought it was, but some high tech spy unit used to take me down. I mean, I don’t think I am that important or relevant. I’m just some asshole on a computer but I don’t know what the hell goes on in Bureaucracy and I guess that’s what scares me.
What doesn’t scare me is this Abbey Clancy slut in FHM doing her whole posing thing like she doe because she doesn’t care if dudes will jerk off to her at home but she does care if you kidnap her and make her into her girlfriend against her will in your basement, but I guess that just goes without saying…
People like lists and I am not sure why but I do know that online Top 10, Top 15, Top Anything lists do well. If this site was a Top 10 site, my traffic would be through the fuckin’ roof and that kinda makes me want to start doing these kinds of lists because they seem pretty easy to compile since no real logic goes into them, they are solely based on opinion.
I like to think they are successful because we have no real thought process of our own and like shit to be served on a platter because we are lazy and so the next time we are with a group of friends we have something to talk about or debate because coming up with our own topics of conversation is hard and every dude can get down to a who’s hotter conversation like we were 14 and talking about the girls in our class.
I don’t see why knowing the Top 100 girls according to a magazine or according to anyone is relevant to anyone’s life. The truth is that all these magazines and sites compile these lists, get a lot of buzz about who they choose and include and the order they put them in. I just find it a waste of time to argue whether Alba is hotter than Britney or Lohan or Cuthbert, the fact is we’d fuck all of them and their order of hotness is pretty useless to me since I would fuck all of them, their home phone numbers and emails would be a little more useful because at least then I could use my charm to seduce them and by seduce I mean call the police and get me arrested for stalking them.
I always get in the argument that if any girl gets naked, no matter how disgusting she is, guys will watch and probably enjoy the show, so to say that one bitch is hotter than the next is bullshit because what I find hot, my friends don’t find hot, so seeing a list like this is pretty much a whole lot of bullshit, kinda retarded but since everyone does them, I’d rather be talking about FHM’s than some shitty men’s site, because at least FHM is a real publication and not a whole bunch of cheesy virgin dudes behind a screen….
People who like to get wasted get a lot of slack. I have been told over and over in my life that I get drunk because I have a void to fill and I try to tell people that that void is the fact that I am not drunk. It’s got nothing to do with hating myself and trying to forget my problems, because that shit follows me wherever I go and no matter how fucked up I get, what it does have to do with is that being drunk is fun and the chicks are easy, they get wild and show me their tits and let me watch them shower and shit which sober girls only do once you charm them and as a person with no charisma, charming isn’t much of an option. So getting drunk is fun and allows us to live out all the fantasies we want to live out because sober is too fuckin’ dull and that’s all there is to it.
The real degenerates in the world are the people who pretend they aren’t degenerates. The people who rock the 9-5 middle management job to put food on the table for a family they resent. Or the guy who married his highschool sweetheart or some chick because his parents approved of her, or the person who was a great artist growing up but decided to pursue a Law Degree because that’s what their family wanted, or the person who got married to a woman he hates out of fear of loneliness, and every chance he gets he goes across the street to fuck the neighbor or maybe even beats her up emotionally or physicially because he hates her or maybe the guy who has a high powered job but jerks off to teenage boys playing soccer but since he lives in a good house, he’s gotta be ok. Or the dude who feels inadequate because all his neighbors have BMWs so he goes so deep in debt to maintain his image that he ends up killing himself, or even the rich parents who are too busy being self absorbed or making money to raise their kids proper, so they give them an immigrant nanny to boss around and treat like shit at a young age and carry that asshole attitude into adulthood but have a credit card to get whatever they want so they are going to be okay, even if daddy was too busy working to give them the time of day and mommy was too busy fucking her tennis pro or getting her hair done. Superficial, Materialistic, status hungry assholes are the fucking trash of the world, people just don’t realize it because they have money and seem to have it together…but we all have fucking demons.
So the real degenerates in the world are the fuckers who don’t think they are degenerates because they have money or jobs or are living by the boundaries society has set for them. Bars and clubs are made for partying and partying is never a bad thing because it’s a fucking celebration and even if it kills you, because you know what, everything out there kills you and you might as well have it happen when wasted, because it will hurt less.
Either way, Tara Reid is a party slut and despite having no respect for party sluts, I do still love them because without them so many fun things wouldn’t go down and here she defends her party ways while dissing Lohan, because we all know alcoholics are all about excuses because it was a friends birthday and I had a rough day at work and I only had 3 drinks.
So you did do a lot of partying?
Everyone does, but youâ€™ll never read a story about me going out and partying when Iâ€™m supposed to be working, showing up on a set drunk or missing a day, never. But when Iâ€™m not working why shouldnâ€™t I have fun? Am I supposed to stay at home and live in a cage? I like to have fun and have people around me. I think the reason I never ended up in as much trouble as Paris or Lindsay [Lohan] is that Iâ€™m not stupid, so Iâ€™d never do a lot of the things those girls do, and Iâ€™ve always had good friends around me.
So they are stupid?
Yeah. Like, Lindsay makes $15 million a movie, so why doesnâ€™t she have a driver? I donâ€™t get it. If you get drunk, thatâ€™s fine, but donâ€™t drive. They need to straighten up a little bit and make better investments. And they should surround themselves with better people who donâ€™t let them get themselves in trouble.
Are you friends with Paris, Lindsay or Britney?
No, Iâ€™m older than them. I know them all, but I donâ€™t hang out with them.
Check Out Tara Reid’s Spread in FHM Lookin’ Hot Enough To K-Fed GO