I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

Archive for the stepSTALKER Category

2007

24

Sep

I am – Paris Does Montreal of the Day

I found out that Paris was going to be hitting up some ChaChi bar in Montreal about a week ago. I thought it would be funny to get myself into the event even though it’s not that funny. So I tried contacting the club involved. They wanted nothing to do with me or the website so I had to think of alternative options….

I was given Paris’ number a long time ago and we used to have a little dialog going. Unfortunately her number was released on the internet and she changed the shit. So I was stuck with Stavros’ number. Now if you don’t know who Stavros is, he is the fuckin’ man. He has banged anyone famous you can think of, from Petra Nemcova, to Lohan to one of the Olsen twins – so I decided to reach out to him…

Now, Stavros has been in my phone for a while, and I constantly send him text messages and he responds. I never understood why, becauseI have told him that I am from drunkenstepfather, and he always seems to ignore what I say. I had no idea how to get into this shit, so I asked him an he put me on the list. He was under the impression that I was his boy MIchael Perez and I just rode that shit home. So as he told me that I was on the list, and I’d ask him under what name and he told me Michael Perez, I just went along with it…

When I got to the club I told them that I was this Michael Perez motherfucker and they didn’t have me on the list, so I wrote Stavros a CURT text message saying that I was gettin dicked around. The dude was wearing overalls and no shirt and made me feel uncomfortable…Within about 15 minutes the owners of the club found me in the group of 100s of people, apologized and brought me inside like I was important, even though I hadn’t showered and was wearing ratty clothes. I was on Paris’ list and they thought I was some Michael Perez motherfucker who was important for whatever reason. I got to the bar, thought it was hysterical cuz everyone in there was showered and good looking, drank as much as I could afford and waited for the night to end. I fell down the stairs to the bathroom and I was rejected when trying to get into Paris’ VIP area, by Paris Hilton. The security dude brought her my cell phone where all the Stavros messages went down, and she looked at it and said that I could join her stupid dance circle.

The whole epxerience was fucking jokes and I kept laughing. I met some black chick who liked roses and some blond chick who thought I was bored and I just drove that shit home

I think the highlight of the night was watching a whole club zone in on Paris and watch her every move. Bitch would dance and everyone in the place would clap like she was Barney. The whole place was focused 100 percent on her. I guess they didn’t notice how handsome I looked.

When I was leaving, I was told Paris hadn’t left, so I waited around to let her know who I was. Not that it got me invited to her hotel room, but it was still funny, and that is the video you see. I will deny that being my voice because the asshole in it sounds jewish and 13, but reality is that we love Paris and Stavros and this is the proof. I am now Michael Perez and you are still an asshole.

So after all is said and done, they still don’t know what this website is or that it exists, but Paris Hilton is 100 percent worth a round, and I would be willing to get herpes for one night in her. I will be tickling my balls with the hand I shook of hers, just after I disinfect it. Paris changed my life, and I am a groupie now…I am pretty easy to win over…all I need is a little booze and some attention…CUDDLES….

UPDATE: I was fucking drunk when editing and writing this post at 5 am. I was out alone and stealing booze off some dudes with gel in their hair’s bottle….I shoulda asked her to bring me back to her hotel to let me lick her asshole. But I forgot. I did feel like a 14 year old girl waiting around to see Paris, but I needed to get something for the site and I wasn’t about to get arrested over the shit, so this is what you get.

If you were looking for a video of me throwing my feces at her, this isn’t it. I am too nice for that. I forgot to tell her I was from Drunkenstepfather.com, I was just trying to get over my big breasted Barmaids big breasts and the fact that people actually care about Paris. Like care so much that there was a crowd outside the place. I was also trying to get over this really rich bald old guy and his entourage of 10 really hot 20 year olds who I can only assume were on Payroll, making me realize that when you have money you can have any pussy you want.

It may look like I was all lined up to meet and greet her, I was just standing outside with some dude from Afghanistan when this went down…harassing random people coming out of the club…but I barely got any of it on video because I was drunk. I did try to hustle a black girl and that was a first for me. It wasn’t a success because some male model type was handing out roses to all the girls and that made all their panties wet, if they were even wearing panties…which made the floor wet…either way, I was upstaged by him and I was only doing it because I figured she wouldn’t mind my stink.


Here’s the rest of my videos from that night I can’t embed the shit…So Click the Link…
GO

Related Posts:

Exclusive Paris Hilton Party Pictures
Paris Hilton Upskirt of the Day
Paris Hilton Academy Award Bathing Suit

Posted in:Drunk|Montreal|Paris Hilton|Party|stepEXCLUSIVE|stepSTALKER|stepTV|Unsorted

2007

05

Sep

I am – Hilary Duff Does Montreal of the Day

hilary_duff_montreal_top.jpg
hilary_duff_montreal2.jpg

So I was told that Hilary Duff was in town and I wasn’t about to try to go to her concert because I don’t give a fuck about her, but I did find out where the after party she was probably getting paid big money for was and decided I should try to get some exclusive content because maybe that will make me famous…I guess I could have tried to rape and kidnap her too, I would have been on the news and shit, but I am too pussy to actually do that kind of thing…and I don’t have a car and trying to walk home with some famous bitch you’ve just kidnaped is a good way to get caught. So I email the promoter with some bullshit about how the site is number 1 in montreal, which it was according to the shitty local paper, even though I rigged the results, it still counts to me because they printed it….Bitch tells me that I am in, I tell her that I look homeless and that her shitty club has rejected me a few other times like when Christina Aguilera was there and when some other lame celebrities were there….but Bitch assures me that there will be no problem at all….

Anyway, I get to the event, showered, thinking it will improve my chances, but the bouncer doesn’t want to let me in, I was never on the list and I don’t belong there. I talk my way to getting into the doors and in front of a door girl and I show her my camera saying I am here to take pictures for National Enquirer, now I only have a beat up broken point and shoot I borrowed from my neighbor, and bitch bites, telling me to stay away from the actual party and to stay in the corner where no one can see me…..

I buy a really expensive drink by a pornstar looking bar maid and I wait for Hilary Duff to show up, I have no idea what the deal with the night is, I am just running off some tip someone gave me. I am standing in the middle of the area where no one can see me, and all of a sudden I get thrown out of the way by some huge body guard, I look to see what’s up and there’s Hilary Duff, looking small, haggard and beat up, giggling with her entourage….

I wait around thinking she’s going to get on stage or some shit, but nothing. I listened to some DJ who was trying to be DJ AM, but couldn’t mix for shit and was stuck listening to a bad 80, 90s and Today dance mix that made me want to kill myself or at least for one of the metrosexuals drinking champagne to slip some roofies in my drink to make the site a little more of a success….

A group of 4 people got on stage and started to do some kind of hip hop dance routines. I figured they were locals trying to get noticed by Duff because she was in the room. The bitches were in short skirts and were too fat to be famous, but I figured we’re all allowed to dream and sat and watched as their skirts rode high, asses exposed and dance…then I realized that we were watching Hilary Duff’s fat back-up dancers in all their gayness and I turned on my shitty camera. I somehow managed to miss all the ass shots, I even saw one of the girl’s cunt, because she bent over and her underwear was moved to the side and by the time I realized that that was the main show, it was over.

I chatted up some photographer who was there, tried to convince him to give me his pics, because as the dancers were dancing, Hilary Duff was pretending to DJ her own song that they were dancing to and I missed all the Hilary Duff action…when it all ended Hilary Duff walked by me again, with her entourage and bouncers, and I didn’t have a chance to slip her the love note I had written her, because I figured creeping her out was the best way into her life….

This is the love letter I wrote her:

Dear Hilary,

I know you don’t know me, but I know you. I write about you whenever your nipples are hard, your shorts are too short, your bikini too wet, your panties exposed, or any other embarrassing things you’ve been caught doing on camera. I have even coined you and your sister as the Duffgusting sisters. I know you don’t know me or what I do because only 5 people read my site, but despite thinking you are ugly and talentless and confused as to why you’re more famous than the hotter, tighter, better singer neighbor of mine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I think together you could really find happiness and through artificial insemination, because my dick doesn’t work, I could find a solid retirement plan.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Here is the video footage of the dancers:

Here are pictures of her Montreal show, that I ripped off of some girls facebook, because stealing from Hilary Duff fans is like stealing candy from a baby….


Related Posts:

Hilary Duff Bikini Pictures
Hilary Duff in Concert Pictures
Duffgusting Sisters Do Halloween
Hilary Duff Riding on Bikes With Boys Pictures
Hilary Duff Scratches Her Ass Pictures

Posted in:Ass|Dancers|Hilary Duff|Montreal|Performs|stepEXCLUSIVE|stepSTALKER|stepTV|Unsorted

2007

29

Aug

I am – Interview With Chauntal, The Girl Who Plays Lohan in a Video of the Day

chauntal_7.jpg

There’s a viral video going around the internet and it’s pretty much one of those comedy songs I find lame, set to a video of Lohan or someone who is supposed to be Lohan. Since I love Lohan and do everything I can to get closer to her, I hunted down the girl who played her in the video and she agreed to doing a stepINTERVIEW with me. It was an amazing experience that I may never forget until I get drunk and a new girl who plays Lohan comes along, but in the meantime, I want to make this girl as famous as I can…because I love her.

Here’s the interview….


So you play Lohan in this viral video I saw and decided that I had to interview you, so the question that’s been on my mind for the last week is how did you prepare for the role as Lohan? Did it involve a lot of drinking, drug use and unprotected sex?

I did not take on this role to bash poor Linds, absolutely not! I simply emulated many of her mannerisms and that’s as far as the prep went, thanks. I just figured the more glamorous (yet sexy) with elements of humor, the more tasteful the video would turn out. The minute it crossed the line on being mean or harsh to get a cheap laugh, the video would be trash…but that never happened, yay!

I actually like her a lot and really hope she gets healthy. I think she is a very talented actress (people forget she played 2 characters in a movie at 12 yrs old, talent) BUT at the end of the day, SAD STORY:(

All of these beautiful young starletts are throwing amazing careers away because drugs and alcohol control their lives, leaving them lost and unstable. It’s not our place to pass judgement & it doesn’t make these poor girls bad, wrong, insane, or stupid…they just need HELP, its just SAD.

LFL is a little on the BOLD side with some of the honest statements about Lindsay, but it is a parody, comedy…just laugh, or not. For those who know me it’s hilarious because the true goof in me really shines through!


What can you tell us about Lohan that we don’t already know, since you’ve played her on the internet I can only assume you’re an expert.

Nope, not an expert…


What does she smell like?

No Comment


Are you comfortable with guys jerking off to you as Lohan?

OMG gross…Okay, this is a comedy boys, where I’m being an absolute nerd…if that get’s dudes off, eew weird! Oh wait, I forgot about the part where I dance in a bra and underwear, oh yeah…but still eeeew! I appreciate all the fans, feedback and love but old, perverted men overly commenting me on myspace or wherever really just gross me out….sorry, hope I haven’t offended anyone;)


All my readers are virgins but, isn’t that kind of like if your boyfriend put a Richard Nixon mask on you while you bang because it’s the only way he can get off…instead of getting of to the Chauntal we all know and love?

No Comment


Tell us a bit about yourself:

Acting/dancing/singing all my life…I’m a performer, that’s what I do! And I have the most amazing family & friends anyone could ask for. I am truly blessed…so grateful!


Where are you from?

OXNARD, CA whattttt?!


How did you get the part in the Lohan Video?

Ummm some people think I look like her or something HA. No really, I get told I look like her like everyday it’s ridiculous. Don’t think so myself, but whatever. Ultimately, I just kind of nailed the audition process.


Why is your body so tight, do you work out a lot?

I am a dancer, particularly modern day cabaret and hip hop..Yeppp I love my hiphop, that’s the Oxnard in me! That’s how I keep the bod in shape, or “so tight” excuse me. I love hiking also, it’s very theraputic. Good to get away from everyone and just get a sense of mental clarity.


Do you have a boyfriend?

BOYFRIEND??? Shall I say it? Nope, very single and…not really lookin. I like the place I’m at right now. The next guy I decide will be my boyfriend will be the guy I see myself marrying. So what’s that mean, I’m picky? I guess so. Otherwise what’s really the point, you unhappy couples. I’ll wait thanks…I really enjoy my own company & SIs is like my best friend and I have the most amazing group of girls, so I have more than enough love runnin through my life. I am so busy right now, dudes are kinda irrelavent anyway, unless he’s super hot and sweeps me off my feet!;)

I must say though, I am quite attracted to the dangerous type but with a wise mind and sincere heart. Hahaaa does that even exist? But don’t quote me on that, you can never generalize & I change my mind a lot… ooops…


What about washed up fat mexicans with no job and who hate showering, come on baby, tell me what do you let your boyfriend do to you, if you had a boyfriend, that you won’t let me do to you?

No Comment


I think what I was getting at, is would you meet a dude from the internet?

NEVER…I definitely don’t have a problem meeting dudes, in real life;)


Do you think it’s easier to get an STD from someone you meet online or someone you meet in a club?

Clubs are gross, and the guys online trying to hit on me are the same idiots at the clubs looking to get lucky…bar, strip club, myspace, it’s all the same to them…so either way they all most likely have STDs…”Go Away!”


My readers never leave their mom’s basement, so do you ever go to parks to meet men who promise to buy you candy on the internet? Or are you too old for that?

No Comment


What would I have to do to convince you to send me nude pics?

AHahaaa go ahead, try finding some but nude pics of me do not exist…never will, trashy. Maybe like Rolling Stones but most nude mags are cheeeeseball!


I kinda like nude pics and take offense to that….What do you have to say to your many, many fans reading on drunkenstepfather.com? All 5 of us are dying to know what can we expect from you in the months to come? Can we expect a Lohan Stage Act?

There a few project in the works right now…I’ve been on overload since the LFL video, crazy! However, you probably won’t be seeing any more Lindsay stuff from me, other than interviews on LFL. I am an actress/performer, working on all different types of projects, not a LiLo lookalike. And I do love comedy more than anything so I hope I can continue to humor you throughout my career. As of right now, music is a main focus.


Would you sleep with me if I could promise you stardom?

No Comment


Too bad my penis doesn’t work and you are already more famous than me….I think I am in love. Cuddles.


Heres the Video:


Here are some pics:

You can find out more about Chauntal, the girl who played Lohan in the viral video at Chuantal.com – Check Her Out….


Related Posts:

stepINTERVIEW With The Guy in Pics With Lohan
Read All My Interviews Here
Check Out My stepSTALKER Shit because it’s Good

Posted in:Chauntal|stepEXCLUSIVE|stepINTERVIEW|stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2007

24

Aug

I am – Rachel Nichol's Has Hot Tits of the Day

Rachel Nichols Cleavage

I am not sure who this bitch is, but her name is Rachel Nichols and I liked her tits so I decided to post them…

Speaking of unimportant, no name cunts who are trying to break into the scene, I found this bitch named Lauren Hastings on Facebook. She’s the girl who cried about how Lohan stole her clothes or some shit in efforts to get more famous and more shitty modeling jobs…I was talking to her on myspace a while ago trying to get some inside scoop because I am a sleuth detective like that and she wasn’t having it….It turned out that she was DJ AM’s girlfriend after Nicole Richie and has had sex with him despite him being gayer than bicycle shorts….or paddle-surfing….

Either way, I sent her this message

so this girl who has been trying to write the site turns on her webcam and starts masturbating with a vibrator in all kinds of positions til she cums, takes a cigarette break then starts sucking the vibrator off for like an hour and I don’t know what to do because I am kinds tired so I just leave it on in the background and write the occassional “Oh My God…This is Nuts”…then she shoves in back in her for round two and makes herself cum again….

if you’re wondering why i am telling you this….it’s because she’s 5 ft 11 was a model, and since you’re a model for Old Navy, I was like wow – two models in one day spoke to me …. what are the chances….

so she wrote:

fuck off

So I wrote:

why are you being so rude. I thought we were friends. Are you turning against me? Is it because I want to steal your dirty panties like I was Lohan?

I’ll keep sending you messages baby because I know deep down inside you like them, maybe we can do an interview about DJ AM’s dick or something…

Cuddles,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Now here are some pictures of this Rachel Nichols’ tits….


Related Posts:

stepSTALKER is my Best Feature
Christina Aguilera’s Crazy Milk Filled Cleavage
Jennifer Esposito’s Almost Cleavage
Leah Remini’s Scientology Cleavage
Amy Adam’s Cleavage

Posted in:cleavage|Rachel Nichols|stepEXCLUSIVE|stepSTALKER|Tits|Unsorted

2007

24

Aug

I am – Rachel Nichol’s Has Hot Tits of the Day

Rachel Nichols Cleavage

I am not sure who this bitch is, but her name is Rachel Nichols and I liked her tits so I decided to post them…

Speaking of unimportant, no name cunts who are trying to break into the scene, I found this bitch named Lauren Hastings on Facebook. She’s the girl who cried about how Lohan stole her clothes or some shit in efforts to get more famous and more shitty modeling jobs…I was talking to her on myspace a while ago trying to get some inside scoop because I am a sleuth detective like that and she wasn’t having it….It turned out that she was DJ AM’s girlfriend after Nicole Richie and has had sex with him despite him being gayer than bicycle shorts….or paddle-surfing….

Either way, I sent her this message

so this girl who has been trying to write the site turns on her webcam and starts masturbating with a vibrator in all kinds of positions til she cums, takes a cigarette break then starts sucking the vibrator off for like an hour and I don’t know what to do because I am kinds tired so I just leave it on in the background and write the occassional “Oh My God…This is Nuts”…then she shoves in back in her for round two and makes herself cum again….

if you’re wondering why i am telling you this….it’s because she’s 5 ft 11 was a model, and since you’re a model for Old Navy, I was like wow – two models in one day spoke to me …. what are the chances….

so she wrote:

fuck off

So I wrote:

why are you being so rude. I thought we were friends. Are you turning against me? Is it because I want to steal your dirty panties like I was Lohan?

I’ll keep sending you messages baby because I know deep down inside you like them, maybe we can do an interview about DJ AM’s dick or something…

Cuddles,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Now here are some pictures of this Rachel Nichols’ tits….


Related Posts:

stepSTALKER is my Best Feature
Christina Aguilera’s Crazy Milk Filled Cleavage
Jennifer Esposito’s Almost Cleavage
Leah Remini’s Scientology Cleavage
Amy Adam’s Cleavage

Posted in:cleavage|Rachel Nichols|stepSTALKER|Tits|Unsorted

2007

02

Jul

I am – Paris Hilton Bikini in Hawaii Pictures of the Day

paris_maui_bikini_top.jpg

I ended up drunk at a house party at 5 am the other night where some doctor was feeding me gin until I couldn’t walk and I don’t remember much of the night, but I do remember talking to this one dude about how I had Stavros’ number and he was really interested in giving him a call, so he did using my phone and Stavros answers. I am convinced that this dude has a friend in Montreal because anytime I call, motherfucker answers. He talks to me about parties and where he’s off to next and all this shit like old buddies who he can’t fuckin’ place, but feel obligated to be nice and rude to ask who the fuck he is talking to. Either way, the dude I was with called Stavros and they chatted about how he is in Maui for the next month or two and then he is off to France. They were talking about shit I didn’t know or understand because I am not as worldly, but the conversation seemed to have went on for 10 minutes. When dude got off the phone he said that was probably one of the weirder conversations he had because Stavros was acting like they were buddies. So I guess he’s just a nice guy and I appreciate that he answered.

Unfortunately, I was drunk and I ended up text messaging him on my way home drunk because I was all excited about our little prank call and I wrote something to the effect of “tell Pairs I am proud of her and that she owned Larry King, but I am still pissed she never wrote me back, I guess you can never train a whore to listen” and I got no response, so maybe dude figured out what we were all about and maybe dude will never answer my calls and give me inside scoop again and it turns out that I proved yet again that if you leave something to me, I will always pretty much ruin it, especially if it’s a good thing….

That said, here are pictures of Paris in Maui, obviously visiting Stavros because they are in love or some shit, but keep it low key. People with herpes stick together, the embarrassment of telling a new partner you got damaged goods is usually the reason why, but at least Herpes is the leading cause of successful marriages in North America. I made that up but I bet it’s true.

Reality is, bitch still has a good body, and whether she’s got a fucked up face, big feet, man hands, herpes and personality disorders or not, she’s still worth a round, she will be worth 100,000,000 dollars when her dad dies and that is enough money to make me have sex with any pile of shit you throw my way because in reality I’d even do it for free, if my penis worked.

Posted in:Bikini|Maui|Paris Hilton|Stavros|stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2007

14

Jun

I am – Lindsay Lohan Leaving the Gym and Letter to Paris Hilton in Jail of the Day

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Haven’t seen much of Lohan in a while, except in my dreams, unfortunately. She’s been in rehab and working out because exercise gives us that the natural high and what better way to kick one habit with another one with positive effects. I had a friend who quit meth years ago and took a liking to brushing his teeth chronically. Other addicts find Jesus. Lohan find the elipticycle. The funny thing about these pictures isn’t her ass, but her “Unstoppable” hat, It’s like rehab gives these idiots stupid tools to cope like t-shirts and hats that say positive life changing things because if you wear it you start to believe it.

I personally don’t like ironic shirts, they kinda piss me off because every frat boy and their sister has an “Idaho no you da ho” shirt, but if it makes a bitch flash her tits then I guess I shouldn’t complain about being dressing like jackasses.

Either way, I was emailed Paris Hilton’s address in prison, so I decided to write her a letter. It’s one of those back them into the fucking corner like a caged rat and force them to read the fucking thing situations. I capitalize on all opportunities to tell people like Paris I exist so this is what I wrote her.

Paris Hilton #9818783
450 Bauchet Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012

Dear Paris,

I was just sitting next to a middle-aged woman who was talking to her friend about how she went to her gyno and he told her that she had a tight box. She said something along the lines of turning sand into diamonds with her shit or something and I thought of you. Not because you have a tight box or because you’re a middle aged women or because you visit the gyno as much as you probably should, but because you were on the cover of the magazine they were reading.

I used to call you and text message you about a year ago pretending I was talking to a bitch named Brenda from Maryland who broke my heart. You played along with it for a while, you even told me that Lohan had herpes but never told anyone who she banged raw dog. Then you blocked my number and told me you were going to call the cops on me. I was forced to start calling Stavros instead and he got all emotional on me when I made fun of him for giving Petra Nemcova herpes, but you don’t care about that. Water under the bridge. Right.

What you do care about is living through this prison sentence. I want to tell you that I am there for you when you get out. I figure this prison pen pal shit makes dreams come true. I actually met my fat wife Claudette when she wrote into me when I was in jail for robbing a convenience store for drugs about 15 years ago. I welcomed her attention and her pictures and decided that I’d move to Canada to be with her as soon as I got out and got cleared to enter Canada because they don’t like criminal records in. When I met her for the first time at the bus station I was pretty disappointed that she was about 300 pounds and those hot pictures she was sending me were of her cousin. I still married her because I had no where to go. But you don’t care about that. You are too busy caring about yourself.

I know that you won’t really have to worry about having nowhere to go when you get out. I know that you will go back to normal and will be back in the party scene pantyless for people like me to post on the internet and talk about. I know that a month after you get out, you’ll forget your claims to be a good influence to the kids who look up to you, what you don’t realize is that you are a good influence to the kids. You’ve made every 15 year old for the last 5 years drawn to filming sex tapes, rockin’ out at parties, throwing education out the window while sitting in VIP rooms and wearing designer clothes. I don’t think girls would be half as slutty as they are if you never hit the scene. So when you say you want to get your priorities straight, you have to recognize the good you’ve done for people like me. You don’t know how many times I’ve been in bars or in the park where I’ve seen girls jokingly flash each other their vaginas on camera or how many ex-girlfriend sex tapes that have hit since your ex-girlfriend sex tape. Even when they are staged, they are hot. As you know, little miss businessperson.

A lot of people sympathize with you for being raised in luxury and how this prison thing is a culture shock for you that you don’t deserve. They say it’s like letting a Panda born in captivity out into the wild for the first time to fend for itself. I always argue that even crackheads who robbed a bank for crack still cry for their moms when they get sent off to jail. I also think that there are laws in place for people to respect and if you don’t respect them you gotta pay the price, so stop being such a fucking baby about things. I fucking hate spoiled bitches and their whimpers, unless those whimpers are sounds of joy while sucking on a dick, but not my dick because I am impotent.

So stop complaining and start making license plates. I figured you to be versatile and just think of this as another episode of simple life without the makeup and that ratty piece of shit anorexic sidekick of yours. Take this like a holiday; make some friends, and just keep reminding yourself that at least you’re not me, it’s a fate worse than a week in prison, it’s a life sentence. I just hope you don’t get your period because I hear the other inmates are drawn to the smell of blood….not that you have much to worry about because HPV ruined your uterus, at least that’s what someone told me.

Now that I have you cornered with nothing better to do by read my letter, I decided to show you some of the stuff I’ve written about you over the years…but I hate going back through my archives, but I’ll let you do it when they give you some computer access at the prison learning center. The website is www.drunkenstepfather.com, it’s the best website on the internet that nobody reads.

The real reason I am writing you this letter, is not to make fun of you, it is to bring joy into your cold dark lonely cell. I don’t really give a fuck about the whole thing, but I do give a fuck about making myself famous and I plan on using you.

I figure we can do things two ways. Firstly, you can send me exclusive pictures that you take of yourself when you get out and I’ll post them exclusively on my site. I hate the paparazzi and figure if they’re making so much fucking money off you that you should eliminate them from the process by hiring a photographer to follow you everywhere you go so that I get good original pictures that everyone will want to see. Secondly, you can give me the exclusive Post Prison Interview that barbara walters has a soft on for and who is probably paying you lots of money for but I think you should choose my site just to throw people off and prove how Prison has clouded your judgement.

Speaking of clouding your judgement, I read that you’re having a real hard time trying to convince them to keep you in the psych ward and I have a solid solution for you it’s called Poo Art. You are pretty much stripped down to basics and have limited tools to convince people you’ve lost your mind and the best way I know how to do it is to use what god gave you and that’s shit. Basically, you just start drawing all over the walls of your cell with your shit while singing love songs from the 80s. When you are finished, or all out shit just start banging your head against the wall repeating your name over and over…it always works for me when I want out of a job or whatever.

Either way, To help you make your decision I decided to write you a poem and bEy write I mean copy from the internet and pretend I wrote it because I am not that creative.

I was too lazy to look for a poem to copy in, but I do look forward to a letter back from you because I think I deserve it for taking the time out of my busy day doing nothing to write you. Take care of yourself. Make me famous. Remember me when you’re out.

I guess this officially means you’re my prison girlfriend. I’ve always wanted one of those.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com
info@drunkenstepfather.com

PS – I was going to include pictures of my asshole as jokes but it’s too inflamed and my shitty digital camera screen broke and doesn’t work, maybe you can buy me a new one since we’re technically in a relationship now. Thanks in advance.

PPS – I wrote this on toilet paper that I stole from the gas station because the only other paper in the house is old grocery store flyers my wife accidentally pissed on. I think I made the right choice. Cuddles.

Posted in:Ass|Lindsay Lohan|Paris Hilton|Prison|Rehab|stepEXCLUSIVE|stepSTALKER|Uncategorized|Unsorted|Working Out

2007

07

Jun

I am – Ivanka Trump’s Big Ol’ Titties and Some Paris Hilton News of the Day

ivanka_trump_tits3.jpg

I got drunk last night. I am sure that’s a big surprise to some of you. But I was a weird kinda drunk. I am talking unable to function after 4 drinks. I was talking to some dude and didn’t hear a word he said, then accidentally dropped my beer without realizing it. I think it could have been a stroke or some shit. But needless to say, when I got home the last thing I wanted to do was talk about how Paris HIlton has been released from prison.

I am actually pretty fucking pissed off, I started writing her a letter yesterday that I was going to mail to her today and post here. I figured she’d have no choice but to read it and that would be good for the site and give us all a good fucking laugh. So when I read that bitch was released with an ankle bracelet, I was pretty much thinking to myself that I just missed a golden opportunity. But even more disappointing is that the rich motherfuckers always get special treatment. If Paris was a poor black dude from the projects and she got busted with a DUI, the authorities would have slapped 15 other charges on him and dude woulda been in lock down for 20 years with no chance of parole. But since all you cocksuckers give a fuck about this piece of trash and have given her this level of celebrity bitch doesn’t’ deserve, she has the power to change the fucking legal system to suit her cunt needs. I don’t understand why there is even a system in place when rich people are just going to always be able to do whatever the fuck they want regardless of the consequences we all have to face.

Here was the beginning of the letter that I wrote her but now won’t bother finishing because bitch is back home drinking cocktails and watching TV and doing whatever it is that she does….

Now that you backed into a corner with nothing to do but read letters from fans and I figured I’d take advantage of the opportunity to make sure you know who I am by telling you how much I love you, and by love I mean that I love that you give me constant content for my website.

Now, I’ve been a fan of your work since you hit the scene. If you’re wondering what work I am talking about, so am I. I guess you’ve never really done anything of substance, your claim to fame is a sex tape, and that’s easy to be successful at, you just need to get naked. Other than that you’ve made your money promoting products and getting paid to party, which I guess isn’t really work. You did have that book I never read, but can assume you didn’t write it and then there was simple life, which was pretty much like the sex tape only without the sex, all you had to do was go on a road trip, so maybe saying I am a fan of your work is kinda a lie because you’ve never really done much of anything but a lot of cock. I guess your impact on society’s been a good one though, there are so many young girls who rock party dresses with no panties, are down with nip slips and fucking and getting filmed fucking and I guess that’s not that bad for people like me, but it may be for them as they don’t have a huge trust fund to carry them through the rest of their lives after fucking it up trying to be you…

Here are some pictures of Ivanka Trump at some event, because she’s a little more reserved with her sluttiness. Ivanka Trump went to a good school and got a good education, she didn’t release sex tapes and spend her nights in clubs. She hasn’t really been a piece of useless trash addicted to media attention but still has a fat bank account and would still look good enough to look at naked, which isn’t saying much cuz I like seeing everyone naked, but you know what I mean….

Posted in:cleavage|Ivanka Trump|Paris Hilton|Prison|stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2007

07

Jun

I am – Ivanka Trump's Big Ol' Titties and Some Paris Hilton News of the Day

ivanka_trump_tits3.jpg

I got drunk last night. I am sure that’s a big surprise to some of you. But I was a weird kinda drunk. I am talking unable to function after 4 drinks. I was talking to some dude and didn’t hear a word he said, then accidentally dropped my beer without realizing it. I think it could have been a stroke or some shit. But needless to say, when I got home the last thing I wanted to do was talk about how Paris HIlton has been released from prison.

I am actually pretty fucking pissed off, I started writing her a letter yesterday that I was going to mail to her today and post here. I figured she’d have no choice but to read it and that would be good for the site and give us all a good fucking laugh. So when I read that bitch was released with an ankle bracelet, I was pretty much thinking to myself that I just missed a golden opportunity. But even more disappointing is that the rich motherfuckers always get special treatment. If Paris was a poor black dude from the projects and she got busted with a DUI, the authorities would have slapped 15 other charges on him and dude woulda been in lock down for 20 years with no chance of parole. But since all you cocksuckers give a fuck about this piece of trash and have given her this level of celebrity bitch doesn’t’ deserve, she has the power to change the fucking legal system to suit her cunt needs. I don’t understand why there is even a system in place when rich people are just going to always be able to do whatever the fuck they want regardless of the consequences we all have to face.

Here was the beginning of the letter that I wrote her but now won’t bother finishing because bitch is back home drinking cocktails and watching TV and doing whatever it is that she does….

Now that you backed into a corner with nothing to do but read letters from fans and I figured I’d take advantage of the opportunity to make sure you know who I am by telling you how much I love you, and by love I mean that I love that you give me constant content for my website.

Now, I’ve been a fan of your work since you hit the scene. If you’re wondering what work I am talking about, so am I. I guess you’ve never really done anything of substance, your claim to fame is a sex tape, and that’s easy to be successful at, you just need to get naked. Other than that you’ve made your money promoting products and getting paid to party, which I guess isn’t really work. You did have that book I never read, but can assume you didn’t write it and then there was simple life, which was pretty much like the sex tape only without the sex, all you had to do was go on a road trip, so maybe saying I am a fan of your work is kinda a lie because you’ve never really done much of anything but a lot of cock. I guess your impact on society’s been a good one though, there are so many young girls who rock party dresses with no panties, are down with nip slips and fucking and getting filmed fucking and I guess that’s not that bad for people like me, but it may be for them as they don’t have a huge trust fund to carry them through the rest of their lives after fucking it up trying to be you…

Here are some pictures of Ivanka Trump at some event, because she’s a little more reserved with her sluttiness. Ivanka Trump went to a good school and got a good education, she didn’t release sex tapes and spend her nights in clubs. She hasn’t really been a piece of useless trash addicted to media attention but still has a fat bank account and would still look good enough to look at naked, which isn’t saying much cuz I like seeing everyone naked, but you know what I mean….

Posted in:cleavage|Ivanka Trump|Paris Hilton|Prison|stepSTALKER|Unsorted