I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2007

13

Jul

I am – J Love's Big Boobs and Birthing Hips of the Day

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I don’t have a TV, but that’s not why I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer. I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer mostly for the same reason i never watched Party of Five: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I hate her acting, I hate her fivehead, and she makes me want to kick her in the face with steel toed boots. She must have bukkake’d it up with half the studio execs in Hollywood to still be working. Whatever credit she gets for growing tits so big they need some sort of pulley-system for support, she loses for the way she wears her hips. Like what are those jeans about–is she aiming to look like a pregnant pear? I envied her body so bad as a kid when i saw “I still know you ran over me last summer and now i will kill you,” but today, not so much. It is as if her mission is to model maternity clothes all the time. If she is knocked up, she won’t need a C section because bitch has birthing hips a tractor would have no problem passing through.

This post was shitty but I don’t care because I am hungover and I want food and all I got is kechcup and prescription drugs lying around. I am also still a little bothered because dude from last night was a perv and my vagina got no play, but that is why god invented batteries.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell

EMAIL ME HERE


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Posted in:Jennifer Love Hewitt|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – J Love’s Big Boobs and Birthing Hips of the Day

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I don’t have a TV, but that’s not why I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer. I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer mostly for the same reason i never watched Party of Five: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I hate her acting, I hate her fivehead, and she makes me want to kick her in the face with steel toed boots. She must have bukkake’d it up with half the studio execs in Hollywood to still be working. Whatever credit she gets for growing tits so big they need some sort of pulley-system for support, she loses for the way she wears her hips. Like what are those jeans about–is she aiming to look like a pregnant pear? I envied her body so bad as a kid when i saw “I still know you ran over me last summer and now i will kill you,” but today, not so much. It is as if her mission is to model maternity clothes all the time. If she is knocked up, she won’t need a C section because bitch has birthing hips a tractor would have no problem passing through.

This post was shitty but I don’t care because I am hungover and I want food and all I got is kechcup and prescription drugs lying around. I am also still a little bothered because dude from last night was a perv and my vagina got no play, but that is why god invented batteries.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell

EMAIL ME HERE


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I am – Jennifer Love Hewitt Does Clowns Because She’s Lame of the Day
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Posted in:Jennifer Love Hewitt|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Michelle Rodriguez with Boot Condom of the Day

Image Removed due to Papparazzi

Last night I got wrecked, because that is what i do (something Jesus and I founded our brief relationship upon, that and raw-dogging, because he could still get it up in those days and my wadge was excited to be a free bird now). So I went to the rooftop bar of this very expensive NYC hotel, chic but a step down from the place where Lohan likes to do a coked-out, writhing on the floor with no panties freak-out fest in, but I am an ex-hooker so i will settle for celebries’ sloppy seconds hot spots (i will even settle for a port-a-potty as long as there is booze). I either got 5 guys to buy me two drinks a piece, or 2 guys to buy me 5 drinks–it’s all a haze, so go figure. Point is I haven’t seen a penis-in-the-flesh in a while (a girl needs a break every now and then), so I stumbled back to this fairly decent banker-type’s apartment, knowing it was nicer than my converted store-front shithole, and he looked pretty clean, and not like a serial killer. Most of it is a blur from there, but I remember him whipping out his cock and asking if I would eat a graham cracker if he came on it. I said yes, but only if he did it first. He came on the graham cracker, took a bite of his homegrown butter, then handed it to me. I threw it on the floor, ground it into his plush white carpet with my heel, then ran outa there. All in all, it was a good night for me, a bad night for his carpet.

As for Michelle Rodriguez, she has a hardcore S&M boot condom on. Why? I think her lipstick girlfriend (who could do better) likes Michelle to give her the foot version of fisting, and makes her wear the wrapper because she suspects Mich contracted something during her 3 hour stay in prison (and i don’t mean splinters from being broomstick-banged). It is nice to know she wears the boot condom all the time for whenever the mood strikes, like probably in the bathroom of the starbucks they just came out of.

obediently yours,

Sugar Nell

EMAIL ME

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Posted in:Lesbian|Michelle Rodriguez|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Sara Harding is a Club Slut of the Day

Sara Harding Club Slut

Sara Harding is some Brit Pop star who, according to the tabloids, loves the sauce, and whatever else she can get her hands on in terms of mind altering substances. Check out the mug on the guy shes with. Remember what I was just saying about hot girls dating guys that under normal circumstances they could never, ever get with?

Sara Harding could really be any other girl from America. She gets dressed up to go out to the bar with her friends, being sure her orange tan is at just the right hue, she has enough foundation that her face looks like plastic. Oh, and I forgot dress so short you can almost see her ass cheeks.

Once at the bar, she drinks way more then she can handle, pukes in the bathroom twice and then heads out for more shots. She dances on the dance floor waving her arms in the air, because for some fucking reason drunk girls think they look really, really hot when they do that. Finally she goes home with whatever random dude happens to be left over at the end of the night, in this case, that lucky bloke she’s making out with.

I bet when they woke up the next morning, he probably said I love you, and she had to call her publicist to do damage control and say hes just an old friend or some shit. I’d call her a whore, but at least whores get paid.


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2007

13

Jul

I am – Penelope Cruz in a Short Dress of the Day

Penelope Cruz Short Dress

I’m not sure if this is a dress or a shirt, but in the end it doesn’t really matter to you virgin ass, you know it and I know it. Penelope could be covered in dog crap and cigarette ashes and you would still be all over her ass.

Remember when she dated Tom Cruise? I never understood that. Everyone said she was his “beard” or whatever they call nice ladies that pretend to be in a relationship with homos but I never bought it. She seemed way to smart for that. She was also way to good for him, a lot like the girls I see out at the clubs I go to, hanging out with some Brandon Davis-esque asshole because he has a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.

I knew this girl a bit older then me once who constantly dated loser guys. She was so out of their league it was ridiculous. She explained to me one day with all her guy problems she had in the past, she was like fuck it, and dated guys who would do anything for her because they knew and she knew they would never get to stick their dick in something that looks as good as she did ever again.

So keep that in mind the next time a pretty girl seems like shes being nice to you, you fat loser.


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2007

13

Jul

I am – Lesbo Lohan

Lindsay Lohan

Well, it looks like all that talk about Lohan being a lesbo is pretty much true. She didn’t just get the look, but somehow added 10 years to it. It’s almost like all that time spent chain smoking, binge drinking, and cum guzzling caught up with her in one fell swoop.

These shots remind me of this chick I used to bang back in college. She was one of those political lesbians who only ever craved meat after too many drinks, and we were drinking buddies. Because she was a lesbo, her pooter was pretty bushy, but the conquest of sticking it in a lesbian feminist made me feel like a big man — and I liked that because I’m lacking in the bulge. She probably only dug me, though, because my small penis didn’t threaten her liberated womanhood.

Anyway, I think she has a PhD now, and I don’t even have my own blog. That makes me feel pretty shitty, so you should send me stories about how size doesn’t really matter to harleyhouston@drunkenstepfather.com because that would make me feel better about myself.


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2007

13

Jul

I am – Eva Mendes Somewhere-Or-Other of the Day

Eva Mendes

I still don’t remember what Eva Mendes is famous for, not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but I really can’t remember and I am to lazy to google it. At this point, I don’t even care because my computer is fucking up today, I’m behind on all my work and none of the stars seem to be out in bikinis today. Is it cold in LA or something? It’s humid as hell here in my apartment which really isn’t helping my situation at all.

Maybe it’s cause I’m only 18 or maybe just cause I’m a chick but I will almost always choose the cute girl over the super “sexy” chick, hands down. I think cute and pretty is way harder to pull off then sexpot bombshell. Don’t get me wrong, I think there’s a place for both types of women, and I think for men especially (and you guys can correct me if I am wrong) the two actually serve a really purpose.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s easy for most girls to get a glance with implants, a short skirt and stiletto heels, whereas pulling off the cute thing is a little tougher, cause you have to look like you aren’t trying. The difference between the two in the end, is one that you want to fuck the shit out of in a dirty bathroom stall in a grimy bar and the other you want to take home to meet mom. Eva Mendes is the latter.


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Posted in:Eva Mendes|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Topless Model Named Decock of the Day

Decock Topless

Were having some problems uploading the rest of these photos, so here’s one to tide you over and jerk off to until we can sort it out. Obviously her name is Veronique Decock. I am curious as to what her waffle pound’n Belgian mother thought when she felt little Veronique thrashing away in her dirty womb. Did she have some eerie premonition that with a name like “Decock,” her unborn baby was destined for a pricey pair of implants, a move that would rocket her to the ranks of Miss Belgium. Did her cunt mother ponder the consequences of these fake-tits-to-be, like whether they would burst or turn to stone and give her some bizarre disease (besides the STDs a future beauty queen will inevitably rock).

All in all, I would say her doctor deserves some sort of prize and I want his number and a sugardady to finance. She is hot and you all would slam her. So would I if I swung that way.

I have seen a lot of fake tits in my young life–when i was a hooker we always did show and tell with the shy new girl: we’d demand some full frontal, she’d flash them, and sometimes they were beauties, but sometimes they were a pair of 99 cent store stress-balls cut and shoved under her now unaligned nips. That kind of shit is common with my ex-coworkers–backroom doctors with a degree from the University of Belarus, who’ll make ‘em bigger for 1 grand and a before and after bang.

I never got implants. My Turkish ex-pimp Zeki kept a lock on the fridge to keep me wafish and small breasted, since my theme was young, “legal” virgin-orphan from like Romania, Germany, or Northern Ireland (my looks are pretty trans-ethnic). My accents always sucked but the customers didn’t give a shit if i sounded Croat or Cockney… for them it was all about what i could do for their cock.

That was my dirty flashback of the day. I need to go take a shower now.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell

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Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Megan Fox is Hot Shit of the Day

Megan Fox Cosmo Party

I went and saw Transformers for the afternoon show the other day, and was introduced to Megan Fox. I’m not sure where she came from, but she’s my new favourite actress and not because of her acting skills. I can’t really comment on her acting because I’m not a fucking acting coach and I’m and 18 year old girl and pretty much believe anything anyone tells me anyways. She’s doesn’t have implants yet, she’s doesn’t have the body of a skeleton, and she doesn’t have stupid vanilla blonde stripes that look like somebody peed bleach on her hair. She’s my kind of gal. Jesus doesn’t think shes that hott, but he’s a fatass who is way to critical of other people. I still love him tho.

I forgot to set my alarm last night didn’t wake up until 9 (I wanted to get up at 8). I’ve been seeing this guy on and off and we got into a huge argument because he thinks I’m a nice girl, but I have a heart that’s made of ice and I don’t really deny that because all my life I’ve had people and guys walk the fuck all over me while I just stood there and took it and now I’m at the point where the only person in the world I rely on is myself, and maybe Jesus if I need advice on how to hot wire a car.

I know of the 7 people reading this right now, 1 is a women, 2 are loser virgins who live at home with their mom. The other 4 fall into 2 catagories, the first being guys who don’t give a fuck about anybody but themselves, and will pretty much feel that way until they realize they are gonna die old and alone. The last category , the one where the guy I’m talking about sits, is good looking guys with money who believe in love in romance and want you to give your heart to them or some bullshit, and when you don’t treat you like shit because of it. Dating sucks and I hate you all.

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Posted in:Megan Fox|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

12

Jul

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

stepLINK July 12/07

It’s 2 of my friends birthday’s today, but I can’t go out and get drunk with them because I have to get up early and post shit here, so all 3 of you reading out there have something to help you
waste time at your job which I know you hate. If you guys are reading this, happy birthday Andrew and Corey, and I hope you both get drunk and laid tonight

On the bright side, it is summer Vacation and I still have a shitload of time off before school starts in the fall. I’m not really looking forward to college to be honest. It seems like a bigger, shittier version of highschool, that I have to pay thousands of dollars for which I don’t have, and neither do my parents. Somehow having to pay to get pushed around by bitchy chicks who hate me and getting yelled at by asshole teachers who hate their lives and take it out on their students just doesn’t add up. I’m not saying I don’t like to learn, and that I think school is pointless, cause I don’t, I’m smarter then that. But somewhere along the line I think the mechanics of what students are actually supposed to be doing there got lost along the way. Kegs parties seem cool I guess.

Working for other people is not something that interests me. I have a job at Dairy Queen and I can’t fucking stand it. I can’t even imagine working in an office. You go to a job you hate, and socialize with people that under ordinary circumstances you would never, ever talk to, politely saying hi to them every time you pass their desk, and wanting to smash the pictures of their family on the flooe every time you see them. You bite your tongue every time the twenty times a day your boss yells at you for not doing shit right, then the weekend comes and you blow all your money on booze and coke just to feel normal again.

Here’s the links. Click them and I will be your best friend.


Bobby Brown falls off the wagon again. I am shocked. SHOCKED.
GO

Rumer Willis’ friends will kick the shit out of you.
GO

Schoolgirl with a dirty mouth even I can’t compete with.
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Adult sex in a playpen is weird, but you’re a perv and like stuff like that. (NSFW)
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Bored kid at a George Bush Speech.
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Russian Hobo Sex. (NSFW)
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Kelly Rowland in King Magazine.
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Tall people who marry short people are fun to stare at.
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Some idiot jumps from a roof to a trampoline and gets hurt.
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Michael Jordan was the best basketball player ever.
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Jim Carrey needs haircut, but at least he still has hair.
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Britney Spears is selling her house. Maybe she will move into a hotel permanently.
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Some girl getting naked for the camera. NSFW)
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Planes crashing into boats! Awesome!
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Co-Co’s body is weird looking, but her juggs are huge, so who cares.
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This guys girlfriend is pretty fine. (NSFW)
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Car racing is stupid, but the chicks that endose it are hot.
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Free loaders guide to easy living
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This girl really, really likes her Bikini. You will really, really like her ass.
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Kendra Wilknoson is a Yeti
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Some chick from CSI nipslip.
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Some nice boobs chosen by gay guys, so you know they are good. (NSFW)
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Lucy Pinder topless scans. (NSFW)
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Vickie Blows is the kind of girl you will never get to touch ever.
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart (NSFW)
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Photo Bucket Nudies. Scroll down for the goods. (NSFW)
Thanks to Rogue Collector
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A Camilla Sjoberg Picture Moment.
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Leticia Cline in pink lingerie
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Hot chick gets owned.
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Adriana Lima Appreciation
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Miss New Jersey naughty photos revealed. They aren’t really that naughty.
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Gymnastics is stupid. Or is it Gymnastics are stupid.
GO

Eva Mendez pink bikini
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David Beckhams schlong is bigger then yours is.
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart (NSFW)
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Paris Hilton is famous, Kelly Clarkson isn’t.
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Ivanka Trump says no to The View, because she knows she is a million times better then that godforsaken piece of shit show.
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The only thing fake about Jessica Simpson is her celebrity.
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Hot Asian Girl of the Week
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Courteny Love trashes a hotel room, cause she’s a badass like that.
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Kids with guns are funny, especially when they shoot fat kids.
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Where in the world is Michael Richards?
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Hilary Duff has an eating disorder. I have one right now, but nobody cares.
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Find sex from the comfort of your own home.
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Stop emailing me for sex, and use this instead, loser.
GO

Show me you links, and I’ll show you mine.
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

12

Jul

I am – Geriatric Aerobics of the Day

I’m only 18 and narrow minded so I think old people doing pretty much anything is funny. the thing I hate the most is those bitter old people, who complain about everything and think everyone in the world owes them something because they are old. That’s bullshit. My friend is a weed dealer, and sells to this old lady we all call “Gramma”. She can smoke any of you lot under the table, has a mouth like a trucker and is fukking happy every time I see her. She’s lived a great life, and despite it’s ups and downs, maintains a pretty happy outlook on things. She’s gonna die pretty soon I bet. That’s not so happy.

Posted in:stepTV|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

12

Jul

I am – Young Cameron Diaz Topless + Semi-Upskirt of the Day

Cameron Diaz Topless
My stepfather’s one final request he made before he left was that I was to find as many bikini, topless, and upskirt photos as I could. These photos, and these photos only, were to take priority over anything else regardless of anything else happening is Hollywood. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were high on heroin and ran over a pack of pre-schoolers in their BMWs? Doesn’t matter. Britney Spears put Sean Preston on the BBQ? Doesn’t matter. And with that, I would like to dedicate this post to my stepfather, Jesus Martinez, who taught me everything I know.

I have no problem taking over the family business while Jesus as gone. I’m still learning the ropes, but I’m getting the hang of things fast I think. I feel lucky that my family has something I take interest in and can participate in actively. A friend of mine recently went to work for his father too. Their family business totally fits with his personal interests, but he had a real hard time making the decision to finally take the job there. He comes from a pretty wealthy family, but he’s one of those backwards rich kids where instead of wanting to take everything his parents give him and live like a hog in the fat house, he wants to make it on his own or some bullshit. I didn’t really understand that when he explained it, because my all parents ever gave me was a good ass kicking when I came in after curfew and enough psychological problems that I am going to be in therapy until I die.


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Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

12

Jul

I am – There Are Too Many Brittanys of the Day

Brittany Murphy Header

About two months ago I discovered downing Vicodin with my coffee before work was a good plan.About two months ago Brittany Murphy decided marrying some swollen con-artist named Simon Monjack who wants a Visa and her “Clueless”/”Uptown Girls” cash was a good idea. I think I win on this one. Even his name sounds like some pyramid-scheme for a casino bordering a lovely abandoned reservoir presently storing overflow from the neighboring sewage treatment plant.

Anway this is Mrs. Monjack née Murphy exiting a hair salon in LA or whatever. I know a thing or two about hair salons, and the point is you are supposed to come out looking like a princess and not a barely-pubescent boy from New Jersey who is just getting his feet wet with the whole hipster phenomenon. Which also explains the damn Ramones shirt. I loved that shirt back in 2002 more than I loved my morning after pills. But it is tired, over-exposed, and was bludgeoned to death with a bar of soap in a sock behind a stall in the dank, indoor-outhouse bathroom of CBGBs. I saw two dudes with this on yesterday in the same 4 block radius and wanted to hurt them, and not in the ways Zeki enjoyed.

As for Brittany Murphy’s career, she was amazing in “the Dead Girl.” This is my serious face, now. Either that was some top-notch acting talent or she is just vaguely-prescient and her subconscious was training her to be a highway hooker, her subsconscious being aware of her impending ruin and all: the sunny spring day when Monjack splits for Cyprus with both her earnings and sexy Ramones shirt.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell

EMAIL ME HERE


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2007

12

Jul

I am – Abigail Clancy Topless on a Yacht

Abigail Clancy Topless on a Yacht.

And here is Abigail Clancy topless on a yacht and apparently she’s a catwalk and lingerie model. In either case, I figure that anyone who doesn’t look repulsive in a bikini and has cause to be on a yacht is worth my attention.

My name is Harley Houston, by the way. I’m a guy who met Jesus in the park. He started talking to me while I was pissing on a tree. At first I thought he was some kind of gear-box who was just trying to get a look at my junk, but it turned out that he just wanted to mooch some of my bourbon. Normally, I don’t share my whiskey with strange-o dirt bags that sneak up on me while my dick is in my hand, but I saw that he’s a Mexican. I have this thing for Mexican chicks, and since Mexicans are Catholic, I figured he most definitely had to have some sisters.

By the way, if you’re a Mexican female, or any other kind Latina (I can’t really tell the difference), you should drop me a line at houstonharley[at]drunkenstepfather.com because I think that that would be hot. Maybe we could get together and get sauced on cheap wine. I’m even okay with you being on top, so long as you promise that you’ll still finish if I fall asleep.


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Posted in:Abigail Clancy|Models|Tits|Topless|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

12

Jul

I am – Brittany Snow Forgot Her Milk Jug of Gasoline of the Day

Brittany Snow at Hairspray Premiere

Sugar Nell again. I have a bone to pick with this unmuzzled wench, Brittany Snow, and it all started back in 2003 when my Turkish ex-pimp Zeki was stealing cable so we could get a better picture because let’s face it, bunny ears don’t do shit, and you are nothing with out even basic cable. NOTHING. One fine fall evening, Zeki let us girls have an hour of TV-time before he appropriated our lady-parts for his financial gain. This piss-poor show “American Dreams” came on… Oh Miss Snow. My beef with her is not that she looks like some genetic-wizard’s wacky hybrid of a poorman’s new-nose Ashlee Simpson and Tara Reid on a good day, but that she is a terrible actress. I will give it to her–she has rock hard abs, skinny hips that are on the cusp of tranny, is skinny, but looks like she should be steeling gasoline in a plastic milk jug from the Esso so she and her pals can huff the pain away.

In a not completely unrelated story, Snow looks like the best looking/ friendliest stripper at this boondock slag-shack in upstate New York that I visited post-Zeki, when i began my adventure on the Community College track. I had heard this place had “Amateur Night” every night. So one sad Tuesday my friend and my professor decided to move the malt-liquor marathon on to this aforementioned palace of peekaboo-poonani, which of course, was so classy it did not have a liquor license (awesome), yet managed to have white powder lining the nostrils of every dancer there (and bitches wouldn’t share, most of which were big and brokedown, so its not like it was going to good use). The three of us and a weathered rail-of-a-man romancing his 7up were the only patrons in this fairly un-exciting shit-shanty. So my friend and I jump on the stage (because every night is amateur night) and it’s like suddenly the strippers have a new lease on life, start zealously tutoring us in the art of “pole”: we were their Matt Damon to their Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. I don’t know who was Minnie Driver. We made two bucks off our community college professor, three off the old man with the 7up, and we were offered a job.

And a stripper who looked like Brittany Snow made it all happen…

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell
Email Me

I couldn’t find related posts on this bitch, so here’s some random ones I found under Tits.

I am – Jessica Simpson in a Blue Dress of the Day
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I am – Michelle Marsh Has Huge Tits of the Day GO

I am – Pam Anderson’s Tits Do Magic of the Day
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Posted in:Brittany Snow|Uncategorized|Unsorted