I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2004

21

Dec

I am – The Man in the Poon

Friendster Message of the Day comes from Cynthia.

Cynthia overanalyzes everything and am completely paranoid about the smallest details. she laughs too loudly. and swears too often. chugs expensive coffee like water and spends all her money on art. i have the best job in the world and let all the waiters buy me drinks (as often as they’d like). i fall in love with older boys and enjoy (faking) orgasmic bliss.

Her Subject was Randy:
Her Message was:

i’m a little overwhelmed.
but i LIKE it.
i’m really not a man.
my french sucks too.
i would only be able to tolerate celine if i was really plastered and drawing you naked.
my alcohol tolerance is embarassing.
we should make out.
i’d let you touch my boob.
i’m glad you introduced me to your female-named hero.
tell him i said hi.
i’m a bit of a prude.
but i was serious about my teachers.
i think you’re clever.
i wonder if our inperson conversations would be dull or excentric
you make me blush.
i think we should seriously go for drinks.
i wonder if you’d stand me up.
i’m pasty white too.
and always have paint on my hands.
my eyes are green.
i stalk scott moffatt.
i am random.and intrigued.
and goddammit your humor is a turn on.
now what?

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Poor Man's Food Product of the Day

This is a new feature that will last for about 1 hour….It is food products that I would assume poor people feed their family because of the low cost and high value (can feed a lot of people).

The stereotypical Poor People food that comes to mind is Kraft Dinner, Spam and Baked Beans…but I believe that there are better products out there.

Send in submissions if you want, but I probably won’t listen, because I hate you.

Today’s Poor Man’s Food Product is :

Tomato Paste

Here

Tomato paste is a commercial concentrate of puréed tomatoes commonly sold in small cans and used to add flavor and body to sauces. For superior flavor, look for tubes of imported double-strength tomato concentrate in Italian delicatessens and well-stocked food stores.

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Poor Man’s Food Product of the Day

This is a new feature that will last for about 1 hour….It is food products that I would assume poor people feed their family because of the low cost and high value (can feed a lot of people).

The stereotypical Poor People food that comes to mind is Kraft Dinner, Spam and Baked Beans…but I believe that there are better products out there.

Send in submissions if you want, but I probably won’t listen, because I hate you.

Today’s Poor Man’s Food Product is :

Tomato Paste

Here

Tomato paste is a commercial concentrate of puréed tomatoes commonly sold in small cans and used to add flavor and body to sauces. For superior flavor, look for tubes of imported double-strength tomato concentrate in Italian delicatessens and well-stocked food stores.

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2004

21

Dec

i am – against maintenance

this morning i looked at myself
you need to tweeze my face screamed at myself-to no one in particular-
but,
hypothetically, if i were to start tweezing, then my dry skin would flake off,
and i would have to get out the toner,
and then the astringent,
and then wash my face, dry it, do the toner thing again,
put on the topical coat that prevents break outs and forest fires,
wait for it to dry,
add some grease free moisturizer,
write my suicide note,
let all the turtle doves go free,
scream ala kazaam
followed by allahu akbar, drop on the floor, which just happens to be asking for a mopping.
i sweep first with a broom
throw away the dust and inanimate objects which have set up camp there, on my bathroom floor
mop once with warm water..
i am against maintenance.

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Lingerie Consultant

I was doing a little x-mas shopping for my wife and stepdaughters on La Petite Coquette, lingerie consultant to the stars. I figured that my girls are my little stars, so why not spoil them with lace and satin…..I can’t wait until Christmas morning when they all put on their matching sheer sets and dance for me to “Oh Holy Night”.

Amongst the garter belts, thongs and bras….there is a little section called “Star Choices”

I clicked it thinking it would be a sales page for used panties of people like Britney Spears, Faith Hill, Gene Hackman, Diane Sawyer and Keith Richards, but it was just a page with their autographs….a little disappointing…..but worth checking out anyway.

HERE

The coquette sale is here

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2004

21

Dec

I am – International law of the day

In England:

Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license.

Those weird English people.

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2004

21

Dec

I am – A film about SLUTS

This isn’t a funny blog entry, it’s just something I came across that reminded me that I am strange.

So… I read this ad in the paper looking for girls who were labeled a slut. It was for a documentary. This was about 1 year ago. I decided to email them – this is what I wrote:

Hello,

I am contacting you in response to your ad in the Montreal Mirror. I see that you are looking for people who were labeled a slut in highschool. I in fact am the perfect candidate for your project. I have been labeled a slut since I was 12. I don’t know why, I think it is because I developed at a young age and had an older boyfriend. I mean I was into sex and I realized that I could get more out of people, using my sex appeal, and in all honesty, it was fun being that way. I mean I have tried every imaginable position and every scenario with every man in my small town…

I am 21 now, and I still live a similar lifestyle, I will not change for anyone. I can remember many stories from my highschool years, that I would rather forget. I remember being hated on by the girls and sexually harassed by the boys (which was awesome) for 5 years!!! Anyway, I don’t even know why I am telling you all this.

Lydia

Her Response was:

Lydia,

It’s great to hear from you. My name is Brenda, I’m the research coordinator for this project. It’s my job to make contact with all the women and girls and hear their stories. Let me tell you a little bit about the project – it’s a documentary film for TV that is yet to be titled. The original idea for the documentary came from the book Fast Girls, by Emily White, released in 2002.

In Fast Girls, Emily White says if you ask someone about their high school/junior high/town “slut,� you’ll get much the same story no matter where you are in North America. White argues that the slut is an archetype, part of the collective unconscious. Crowds HAVE to have a slut, and they create one no matter whether the girl “deserves� the title or has never been kissed.

Anyway, this documentary project gives voice to those women. So far, we’ve heard from dozens of women who are telling their stories. They range in age from 16 to 60 and come from one end of the continent to the other, from the southern US to Canada (which is where the project originates from – I’m located in Halifax, Nova Scotia). The film is being directed by Andrea Dorfman. Her most recent film is Love That Boy.

I would love to speak to you over the phone for 15 minutes or so to get a sense of your story. Let me know a good time tomorrow or the next day. After that, you can consider if and what you’d be comfortable sharing on camera. No pressure. Please e-mail me back a good time for you. Thanks.

I look forward to speaking with you.

Brenda : )

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Teen Heart Throb

I have had numerous complaints that this site has no content for girls. They have told me that it’s all about naked chicks and degrading women. I don’t agree because I totally love pussy, If there was a biochemical war going on, I would use a pussy as a gas mask. When it is extremely cold outside, I would use a pussy as a hat or mittens ( i would need 2 pussies in that case). If I was a professional racecar driver, I would use a pussy for a helmet.

ANYWAY – I am not anti-chicks, this is observational humor but I decided to launch a new feature called Teen Heart Throb anyway. This feature looks into the men who grace, or once graced the covers of teen magazines. I feel this will be useful to women and pedophiles alike.

Today’s Heart Throb is Leo Decaprio

Recent Gossip Here (he was out partying until 4 am without Gisele last night that pimp)
Pictures and all things Leo Here

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Jessica Tandy Fact of the Day

Jessica Tandy’s Birth Name was Jessica Tandy

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Asian Violence

Apparently this is an older clip
Asians kick people in the back
I used to do that in high school
Now God is kicking me in the back for buying Jackhammer Jesus

See an asian man fall and almost die here

Our web capabilities are limited.
Thanks to uselessjunk.com for hosting this clip
Visit them but come back, we aren’t done molesting you.

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Myspace Funny

My space has a lot of funny profiles, that’s what happens when you don’t have censors. Myspace -Big up yourself.

I didn’t actually read this profile, but I was told it’s funny. It was sent to me by one of my prison buddies, so it’s bound to be good.

Check it out here and let me know.

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Yuletide

Today’s google image of the day is brought to you by Christians around the world and their happy holiday time of consumption, debt and cookies. I love cookies, the girl kind.

Check out the results for Yuletide here , they really suck but I couldn’t think of a good Christmas word….I guess I could have tried Jingle Bells or something…

Top 5 shitty results are:

Yuletide Semen

Yuletide Arab

Yuletide China Man

Yuletide Lesbians Frolicking

Yuletide “I am – Not Wearing Pants”

Yuletide “At least we have each other”

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Jackhammer Jesus

Jesus was a carpenter
Now he’s a sex toy

When I woke up this morning I knew there was something missing in my life. I looked over and I still had my girlfriend and I still had my penis…I quickly realized that I was missing the JackHammer Jesus Dildo.

So I dropped the 60$ for the glow in the dark jesus dildo and I will have it in time to celebrate christmas with Christ himself.

Divine Interventions also brings us the baby jesus buttplug, the diving nun dildo and Moses to help you part the pink sea.

Visit them Here

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Spam of the Day

This is the spam of the day, I have nothing really else to say about it. It is pretty dirty…those dirty spammers. I want to ask my Jewish Lawyer why they used the word prick so much and whether prick is a Jewish word….but he charges me $50 an hour, that’s more than a hooker, at least the hookers I can afford. I am mexican. Fuck Off.

To: DrunkJesus@gmail.com
From: real huge rods
Subject: Tight Holes Torn

Slowly lowering herself, she let her pussy swallow his huge prick down to the base, forcing a painful sigh from her lungs. At the end she dropped her head back and groaned in wracked pleasure from the sheer feeling of being stretched so wide… so deep. Amanda began riding him, her ass bouncing up and down on his lap, her tits jiggling in his hands. She moved carefully at first, but then she discovered she was big enough to take him. After a while she fucked his big prick with abandon, crying out at the wonderful feel of all that cockmeat packing her pussy…

Check the videos out now!

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2004

21

Dec

I am – Naked Yoga

What could be better then naked yoga on a cold Tuesday morn? If you find out let me know.
Someone should tell her she needs a haircut.

HERE

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