Here’s a big surprise for you, I had no idea that the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was going down last night because I am bad at this shit and generally don’t really care about shit that’s going on. So it was a morning email surprise and now I have a ton of pictures of the event to share with you, so you don’t have to watch the shit when it hits your TV later in the year, or whenever the fuck they air them because your mom will probably be watching them too, and it’s always embarrassing getting a boner with your mom on the couch next to you.
Either way I usually feel like a virgin faggot when I finish writing a post on cleavage or hot asses, because I am more into creeping on girls in real life than writing shit about celebrities I don’t care about on the internet, but the difference in this post is that I do care. I have a thing for Bikini and Lingerie models that you probably understand and have made a point in my life to marry one. Since that never worked out for me I’ve always dated half-rate, discount, bargain basements, last weeks kitchen garbage, versions of bikini models, because let’s face it, my wife would have it going on if she got Gastric Bypass, lost 200 lbs and got surgery to remove the excess skin that left huge scars and stretch marks all over her body, breast implants and maybe even a new face and time machine that turned her 25 again….so in a lot of ways I guess I am dating a Lingerie/Bikini model, I just don’t know it because I am too negative to see what I have before my eyes because she’s fucking disgusting lookin….when if I look really deep, beneath all that disgusting is a hot girl suffocating to death….
Bonus – Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham and Geri “Ginger Spice” Haliwell Performing at Half Time…..
So these pictures from some Max Magazine hit today and they are of Heidi Klum, not lookin’ like Heidi Klum with some kind of sheer sheet artistically covering her goods, which was probably done intentionally because who knows what damage Seal and his babies have done to her box, if shit looks anything like his face, I don’t care how hot a bitch is, that shit better stay under wraps, like an Orthodox Jewish couple trying to make babies through the sheet, so dude doesn’t have to make any contact with the bitch, but still gets to fuck her because fuckin’ her is what makes them babies to build their own army to take over the world. If that shit was a movie, it’d be called Bad News Jews.
I was always so disappointed every time I’d get with a hot girl who had a perfect body only to find out that her vagina either looked like a pinkish brown bowl of cottage cheese or smelled like a fuckin’ sewer. I am sure I wasn’t as disappointed as they were when they found out that my penis looked more like a vagina that their vagina did, because let’s face it, girls like huge cock and not over-sized clits, unless they are lesbians/rape victims, in which case they don’t like any cock, and I never really minded fucking a bowl of cottage cheese, as long as it wasn’t too cold…because I have no real standards.
I guess the best thing about the Victoria’s Secret Angels flying Virgin Airlines, is how many virgins jerk off to their pictures everyday. Yes, I am talking to you.
Speaking of talking, I was trying to seduce some model who is in Tampax commercials that I came across on the internet, because I feel like despite having the shittiest website on the internet, models in Tampax commercials should try to get all the free publicity they can get, even if it means letting me watch them shower on webcam to reachout to 6 masturbating dudes, so I figured I’d ask her on a date, not that I’d ever leave my house, but it felt like she’d respond better than asking for nude pics, as I often do and never get. When she rejected me I wrote this:
You weren’t going on a date with me regardless, because I don’t do dates, they are a waste of time, and I don’t leave my house, but I used to fuck wannabe models and they were also a waste of time, but at least I get to see them doing things they wouldn’t want their father seeing, unless they were from a dirty family….which sometimes happens because I met them at the bus stop and they were teenage runaways, who weren’t really wannabe models, but didn’t seem to mind the camera when they were sleeping….
She never responded. Either way, marrying a lingerie or bikini model’s always been a dream of mine that I kind of fell short on, like I have with most of my dreams. I never thought I’d end up with someone you’d think would be a good spokesperson for Dunkin’ Donuts, until we got our rejection letter from them because despite bitch being a great customer, her morbid obesity takes away from the message they are trying to get out to young mother’s on the go. Apparently fat doesn’t sell, but it does kill, just not fast enough, not that I want her dead, but it’d be a nice vacation….but not as nice as one on a plane with these bitches, because I hear there are no laws once you’re off the ground….and exposing myself vagina shaped penis, because I am an inny not an outty and that would be the best way to convince them that I am one of them and that they can trust me enough to show me their vaginas and let me watch them pee. When I do it in the park, I always seem to get in trouble.
I always like watching middle-aged women trying to relive their youth. I was walking down the street the other day and saw some annoying mother with her two tween daughters wearing the same fucking outfit. They all had tights, UGGS, cellphones with decorative bullshit on them and were all drinking an iced coffee drink from Starbucks like they were Hayden Panettiere, who by the way, I decided to mention in every post today. They were all talking like annoying fucking teenage girls and for some reason, it made me want to take the mom’s virginity, even though it was long gone.
I was at a bar the other day and saw a group of older bitches trying to rock out to Soulja Boy. They were laughing and having a good time, which was good because based on their looks they didn’t have much else going for them and it was nice to see that despite their shortcomings and bad aging, they could still have a good time. I don’t think they had any idea what the Soulja Boy song or the dance was, but they were wasted and looking for husbands. It was funny realizing that I am the same age as they are but I am way more in tune with pop culture….I got my finger on the pulse of that shit thanks to the internet being my social life and everyone knows that doing an old lady dirty get me pregnant so I can have meaning in my useless lonely one night stand filled life old lady dance to Soulja Boy just doesn’t fly, like Superman….Crank Dat.
Either way, here is Heidi Klum back on the runway for her Project Runway show, that I like to call the retirement plan, because bitch is too old to model, but still looks better than you do when you put on your mom’s heels and pose in front of the mirror, fruitcake.
Heidi Klum is pretty hot considering all the damage she’s put herself through, like all the kids and the huge black penis but that doesn’t really phase me, because the girls I know are a hell of a lot more damaged and look a hell of a lot worse than she does, even when she’s dressed like cat.
I was walking down the street the other day and saw some crazy woman talking to herself while walking her cat, like she had the motherfucker on a leash and was just walking it like it was a dog and since I never understood cat people I automatically assumed she was fucking nuts. The cat looked pretty fucking confused, like it wanted me to save it from the hell life it has, because if bitch is willing to take the cat out in public without any embarrassment, who the fuck knows what she does with it behind closed doors. I don’t think she’s fucking her cat, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she washes it and dresses it up in little costumes and makes it do dance routines like her own private circus and I think what it all comes down to is that bitch never had kids and this is what happens to girls when they realize they are 50 and alone. But then the woman got on all fours in the middle of the sidewalk and started barking at her cat like she was a dog and I realized that this woman doesn’t realize she’s alone at all, she’s too busy being fucking insane.
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett
I got this email today reporting the Heidi Klum’s baby doesn’t belong to the man she says it belongs to. I figured I’d report it because I got nothing better to do. It could be fact, it could be fiction but who really cares, Heidi is damaged goods now with enough interracial kids to start a circus.
Either way here’s an email from a German reader:
Heidi with her kids freak me out.
She is claiming her blue eyed daughter Leni is Brown Eyed Italian Flavio Briatore’s daughter, when in fact she is Johannes Kerner, a married german TV host who has a super squeaky clean image and tonnes of advertising deals. Italian nepapers have reported it and I know people who know him, and he fucks all sorts of chicks.
I mean I would have fucked Heidi before she took a Seal cock in her, but I would have barebacked her anal or shot my load in her mouth, because when you got a wife that is what you do……
That’s all I have to say about that. This is some pretty heavy hitting reporting I am doing here. I feel so professional. I am pretty sure the feeling will go away when every other blog reports it making it legit, or I get sued by these bastards for posting fake news…
I got this email today reporting the Heidi Klum’s baby doesn’t belong to the man she says it belongs to. I figured I’d report it because I got nothing better to do. It could be fact, it could be fiction but who really cares, Heidi is damaged goods now with enough interracial kids to start a circus.
Either way here’s an email from a German reader:
Heidi with her kids freak me out.
She is claiming her blue eyed daughter Leni is Brown Eyed Italian Flavio Briatore’s daughter, when in fact she is Johannes Kerner, a married german TV host who has a super squeaky clean image and tonnes of advertising deals. Italian nepapers have reported it and I know people who know him, and he fucks all sorts of chicks.
I mean I would have fucked Heidi before she took a Seal cock in her, but I would have barebacked her anal or shot my load in her mouth, because when you got a wife that is what you do……
That’s all I have to say about that. This is some pretty heavy hitting reporting I am doing here. I feel so professional. I am pretty sure the feeling will go away when every other blog reports it making it legit, or I get sued by these bastards for posting fake news…
