I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2006

23

Jun

I am – Brunette Britney has a Fat Baby of the Day

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While sitting at home alone, running off only a couple hours of sleep after a bit of a bender, but not really, becaue I am a cheap drunk now that my liver doesn’t work so well, either way, I sit here in an empty one room apartment, because the girls are our with their friends and the wife figured a way to fit her fat ass out the front door to get her blood pressure medication. I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be the guy who ruined Britney Spears. Before you, she had a career, a life, fans and looks. After you, she looks like an aborted fetus would if it survived…you know if it fed off the other aborted fetus’ in the dumpster out back at the back alley abortion clinic.

I am not sure where I am going with this, but it’s not a good place. Tell your friends.


Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

23

Jun

I am – JoJo in the Rain of the Day

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The issue isn’t that Jojo is 15 and you are looking at her tits, because let’s face it, you like tits. The issue is not that the magazine sexed this bitch up or that her “people” are trying to sex up her image to sell records, because that’s just what they do. The issue is that this bitch has a face that makes me think that she was born out of her mother’s rectum, not womb. I don’t know if that came across the way I wanted to because I still haven’t slept yet. The fuckin wife smells like an out-house.


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2006

23

Jun

I am – Sienna Miller's Outfit of the Day

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I have heard stories about his bitch. Those stories were about how much of a coked out party slut she is. I have decided that I am jealous of coked out party sluts because whenever I party hard enough to be considered a coked out party slut, I feel my heart giving out. My heart sucks.

Sienna Miller is also involved in being the biggest scandal in TV since the dad in happy days slammed Urkel up the ass. I don’t know what that means but I am keeping it in this post because I wrote it a few hours ago while wasted and after re-reading it, have no idea where I was going with it.

It is 7:30 AM and nothing exciting is going on. My cunt of a wife kept me up with this gurgling sound she makes when breathing. I am convinced that her lungs are filling up with cookie dough ice cream, but I am no expert.




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2006

23

Jun

I am – Sienna Miller’s Outfit of the Day

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I have heard stories about his bitch. Those stories were about how much of a coked out party slut she is. I have decided that I am jealous of coked out party sluts because whenever I party hard enough to be considered a coked out party slut, I feel my heart giving out. My heart sucks.

Sienna Miller is also involved in being the biggest scandal in TV since the dad in happy days slammed Urkel up the ass. I don’t know what that means but I am keeping it in this post because I wrote it a few hours ago while wasted and after re-reading it, have no idea where I was going with it.

It is 7:30 AM and nothing exciting is going on. My cunt of a wife kept me up with this gurgling sound she makes when breathing. I am convinced that her lungs are filling up with cookie dough ice cream, but I am no expert.




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2006

23

Jun

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

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I can’t really stop this Lohan Stalker movement. I guess this is the reason I was never invited to parties when I was younger. I emailed Diddy, I won’t make his email address public, but if you want it email me. Here we go:

Dear Diddy,

I don’t know whether you know who I am or not, but I do know who you are. I read somewhere that you kicked Lohan out of your party for fighting with that cunt Paris Hilton. I call her “that cunt”, because not only is she a vile and rude used-condom of a person, but also because “that cunt’s” seen a whole lot more penis than the urinal at my local truck stop.

I’d still bang Paris without a condom after she got her HIV positive results, but that’s just a strategic business decision…..

I should be mad at you for the way you handled Lohan the other night because I am connected to Lohan at the soul. But the fact is that bitch doesn’t know I exist, and has NEVER reached out to me, not even to ask me to stop stalking her.

What I am asking of you is simple, lure Lohan into your hotel room, pretend it’s some kind of apology meeting. Get her to get naked, take a couple of pictures, steal a pair of her panties, fuck her if you want, whisper my name in her ear and when it’s all said and done, send her on her way. Go through the trash, pick up all things she touched, including (especially) used kleenex/toilet paper and wine glasses she’s drinked out of. Put it all in a box (along with the pics) and mail it up to me for masturbation purposes.

If this seems too complicated, you could always just give me her number/email/ home address but be sure to let her know that Jesus Martinez is stalking her.

I know her birthday is coming up, is there anyway you can get me in that party?

I appreciate all your help and look forward to your response, if you’re up in Montreal this weekend for the Race Cars, feel free to take me out for dinner/drinks to further discuss my proposal.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com









Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

23

Jun

I am – Nelly Furtado at TRL of the Day

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Whenever I post on Nelly Furtado, I always want to rip into her for being Portuguese, but it’s not her fault she’s low class fisherman shit, it’s kind of a cultural thing, and if my culture was built on cod fish, I would stand proud at every motherfucker who makes fishing jokes around me.

What I do hate about this cunt, besides her busted up face and busted up body, and busted up music, and her inate ability to bait a hook (although convenient, not very lady-like), is that she is taking on Hip Hop now. Bitch is biting that cunt Fergie, who was a bigger piece of trash, until seeing the video with Nelly singing about being a slut. I guess she know’s all about being a slut, considering she’s got a fresh baby of her own, her vadge hasn’t even healed yet, and in order to get pregnant, must raw dog a cock and let that shit cum in your Uterus….just in case some of you still think the stork still drops babies off at the door because you are virgins….We’ve gone through this before. Cuddles.



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2006

23

Jun

I am – Madonna Montreal Concert in Picture of the Day

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There was a huge media blitz about this Madonna concert, it was some kind of big deal that she was making a stop in Montreal. I didn’t go, mainly because I am straight and because I am broke but also because I don’t like washed up whores, unless they are really desperate to make a couple bucks. I usually take advantage of the situation because I am a bit of an opportunist when it comes to whores and I get off on seeing much I can get for as little as possible. The best I have done is a rim job after a 6 day bout with the stomach flu and no shower.

This isn’t about rim jobs, it’s about the fact that Madonna kicked off the craziest weekend in this city, Grand Prix (that’s race cars). Celebrities come for that shit and I am hoping some of my readers are out there with cameras getting me some exclusives.

So far, all I have heard is that Malcolm in the Middle was at some supper club last night, all the slammin local bitches were trying to get a piece, while he looked his awkward, nervous self. It’s funny how much girls love getting celebrity cock. If a dude looked like THIS, uneven legs and all, but was on TV, he’d still land pussy. And they say not all girls are whores……

That’s the story I heard. Here are pics of Madonna’s useless concert. A little bondage never hurt anyone, except that dude from inxs who died jerking off with a belt around his neck, but that wasn’t really bondage, that was in the name of self love.



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2006

21

Jun

I am – Big Brother Vagina Slip of the Day

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I am doing this one for all potential advertisers visiting this site today. I read somewhere that all the big brands love to advertise on sites that show pictures of cunt.

This is some bitch from Big Brother UK having a full out vagina slip. Her name is Nikki Grahame and here’s her bio.

Nikki Grahame is a 24-year-old model and promo girl, who worked in Harlequin Shopping Centre for two years.

Before she went on Big Brother Nikki said that her ambition was to marry a Premiership footballer and that she is ‘man mad’ and ‘obsessed with men’. In the first week she did tell Big Brother, however, that she did not fancy anyone in the house.

I think we all have a pretty good idea what kind of girl this is (she had no father growing up) and I have got nothing more to say about this.



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2006

21

Jun

I am – Victoria Silvstedt's Little Man of the Day


Here’s a little follow-up to my last Victoria Post from 2 days ago. The dude who was eating her out is about 5 ft 2, and dude’s got her smellin his feet while having his way with her. I always found little-big-man syndrome fucking hysterical. I love how these midget motherfuckers are the biggest sexual deviants around.

I think the first time I really noticed little-big-man syndrome was when I was 14 and saw Debbie Does Dallas for the first time. The dude who owned the sports store who slams Debbie in the end of the movie was this little dude who said something like “I was always too small to be on the football team, but was big in other ways”, or some shit, while rockin’ a huge boner.

For the rest of my life, I’d always see little dudes driving around in their expensive cars, or eating at expensive restaurants, with tall,hot, model type girls. If you watched them long enouhg you’d catch them making out, rubbin down the bitch, doing whatever they could to let the people around know that little-big-man owns the bitch.

I guess what it comes down to is that they felt inadequate all their lives and tried to make up for it by makin lots of money for themselves. Now they parade the shit for all to see thinking to themselves “and you laughed at me in high school, look at me now”. It’s a pretty easy formula, hot girls like lots of money, make lots of money, you’ll get the hot girls.

I am 5 ft 6 and was always too lazy to feel inadequate or make a success out of myself. So all you short people reading this, don’t get your 28 inseam pants in a knot. Not all of you are total insecure fucks with lots of money, I would bet that all the short people reading this are actually virgins. That’s the story I heard.

Here are a whole lot of pics from the Silvstedt little man vacation.

UPDATE – I Am – Not Very Creative of the Day

Turns out that a loyal reader found an identical post from 1 year ago, I repeat myself without realizing it. I am a bit of a drunken idiot. That’s all part of my charm.

Click This Link If You Want To Read It

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2006

21

Jun

I am – Catherine Zeta Jones' Baby Factory of the Day

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I don’t know if these motherfuckers are starting a fucking orphanage, but there are a lot of kids in these pictures. Maybe it’s got something to do with Michael’s craddle robbing fetish. Either way, this motherfucker has ruined this Mexican bitch, who was once hot. Speaking of Mexican, some motherfucker wrote this about me;

The guy who writes Drunken stepfather is pretty clearly neither Mexican nor anti-semitic, but rather some dude from Quebec who may or may not be himself Jewish (I’m guessing “may”) who is doing his best to ape the style and tone of Vice Magazine, also from Montreal, which he also disparages on occasion with often lackluster results.

When I read that drunk last night it made me mad, because I HATE Vice with a passion and anyone who knows me, knows that. I have never read a full Vice Article in my life and I think Gavin (the founder) is a completely useless cokehead piece of shit. He’s banged some friends of mine and he’s a poser. Not to mention, I would never turn Jewish, not even for the hottest piece of ass, because I will always have a thing for Santa Maria and Santa Claus, it’s kinda who I am. Now go fuck your self.

Speaking of fucking yourself, why aren’t girls sending in anymore “DRAW YOUR VAGINA AND DESCRIBE IT IN 10 WORDS OR LESS





Bonus – Them Getting on a Plane – Be Excited



Update – they opened a children’s hospital

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

21

Jun

I am – Catherine Zeta Jones’ Baby Factory of the Day

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I don’t know if these motherfuckers are starting a fucking orphanage, but there are a lot of kids in these pictures. Maybe it’s got something to do with Michael’s craddle robbing fetish. Either way, this motherfucker has ruined this Mexican bitch, who was once hot. Speaking of Mexican, some motherfucker wrote this about me;

The guy who writes Drunken stepfather is pretty clearly neither Mexican nor anti-semitic, but rather some dude from Quebec who may or may not be himself Jewish (I’m guessing “may�) who is doing his best to ape the style and tone of Vice Magazine, also from Montreal, which he also disparages on occasion with often lackluster results.

When I read that drunk last night it made me mad, because I HATE Vice with a passion and anyone who knows me, knows that. I have never read a full Vice Article in my life and I think Gavin (the founder) is a completely useless cokehead piece of shit. He’s banged some friends of mine and he’s a poser. Not to mention, I would never turn Jewish, not even for the hottest piece of ass, because I will always have a thing for Santa Maria and Santa Claus, it’s kinda who I am. Now go fuck your self.

Speaking of fucking yourself, why aren’t girls sending in anymore “DRAW YOUR VAGINA AND DESCRIBE IT IN 10 WORDS OR LESS





Bonus – Them Getting on a Plane – Be Excited



Update – they opened a children’s hospital

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

21

Jun

I am – Nicole Kidman is a Monster of the Day

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I had a friend who used to talk about how this bitch was a natural beauty. How she defined stunning and how other girls were hot, but she embodied class, or some shit. I have a pretty bad fucking memory and I am not much of a listener. I do remember he used to say she was like a porcelain doll, because I found that a creepy thing to look for in a bitch. The overall vibe was that he thought she was modern day classic like Hepburn. I never saw the appeal. For as long as I remember I was scared of firecrotch. The reason is that I thought Redheads were freaks that belonged in freakshows, with their pasty skin, freckles and inability to tan. I wanted to campaign parents to leave their redheads in woods, forget about them, and start again fresh, like they did in the middle ages, when they thought redheads were Satan’s spawn.

I have had a change of heart, not about Kidman, bitch has gone way the fuck downhill and looks like a treasure troll, but a change of heart towards redheads. I am on a quest to go down on one this year. I don’t know why – but I do know I am really curious to see what they are like up close. It’s kinda like a Klu Klux Klansman wanting a piece of Nigger-Jew pussy, only I never burnt a redhead on a cross or dragged one behind my Chevy pick up….I don’t know where I am going with this.


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2006

21

Jun

I am – Homeless Man's Toilet Paper of the Day

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There’s a man who walks around this city on 2 uneven legs. Dude’s usually asking around for change and I have yet to give him any because I don’t like talking to people who look like they are straight out of a horror movie. That’s no to say I don’t talk to homeless people, I am practically one of them, but think back to your high school years and remember that there were some people you didn’t talk to, like the dude who wore jogging pants, smelt like cum and always talked to himself. That is this guy of the homeless world.

I do however like people who are in porn movies, and if I was ever approached by that Lara Roxx bitch who got AIDs in porn 2 years ago, I’d totally give her a quarter, while wearing a latex glove and a surgical mask.

This frankenstein motherfucker walked out a coffee shop with toilet paper hanging out of his pants. He didn’t realize. We took the picture. That’s the story I heard.



Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

21

Jun

I am – Homeless Man’s Toilet Paper of the Day

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There’s a man who walks around this city on 2 uneven legs. Dude’s usually asking around for change and I have yet to give him any because I don’t like talking to people who look like they are straight out of a horror movie. That’s no to say I don’t talk to homeless people, I am practically one of them, but think back to your high school years and remember that there were some people you didn’t talk to, like the dude who wore jogging pants, smelt like cum and always talked to himself. That is this guy of the homeless world.

This frankenstein motherfucker walked out a coffee shop with toilet paper hanging out of his pants. He didn’t realize. We took the picture. That’s the story I heard.



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2006

21

Jun

I am – StepLINKS are Back of the Day

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Back with some links…you should check them out. I expect you to hate every one of them, but I didn’t do it with that in mind. If you got links to send in – click the envelope top right on this page.

Our First Time Being Quoted Here

Our Dude’s Penis Is Smaller than Yours, of the day Here

Our Favorite Way to Get Laid and Paid Here

Our What’s on her Nipple of the Day Here

Our Favorite Skinny Cunts, Nicole Richie and Micha Baron on the Beach Here

Our Sexual Fantasy from 5 Years Ago, X-Tina Discusses her new Video Here

Our favorite Fetish, Kate Beckinsale Talks Breast Milk Here

Our Favorite Person in Miami, Produced a Pretty GAY Video Here

Our Favorite Goalie to Do Coke With Banged Paris Sunday Here

Our favorite Ghost Whisperer’s Nipples Hangin’ Low Here

Our Favorite Spread…Aria Giovanni Spread Open in Club Confidential Here

Our favorite hobby, watching girls oil up in a kiddie pool Here

Our new Favorite Song On Our Myspace Profile Listen Here

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