I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2006

14

Apr

I am – Jessica Simpson’s Blue Dress

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Jessica Simpson is one of those girls who you just want to fuck, even though you’d never have the chance. You know that her sexual repression over the years, because she had to be a good little christian girl for her dad, his dirty molesting ways and for his career as a music manager.

I know everyone talks about how he’s a molestor and shit, but that’s not what I care about, I care about the lessons he may have taught Jessica while molesting her. Like how to give a mean handjob and not rat you out to the authorities.

I also like the good little Jesus Bible thumping, closet-case slut element of this girl…you know she’s slept with a handful of guys, waited until she was 20 to start fucking, making her potentially pretty experimental…

So the combination of the bible thumbing good girl and her seedy molested past makes Jessica the “IT” girl of the day.

Bonus: Her Ass on an Escalator

Bonus Bonus: Making a Retarded Face

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2006

14

Apr

I am – Tori Spelling's Tit Disease

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It annoys me that everyone hates on Tori Spelling’s cleavage because it’s got a weird space in it that shouldn’t be there. It looks like bitch has been beat down with a baseball bat and left to die, or was in a car accident smashin’ in her ribs against the steering wheel and either way, I find it boring to listen to. I actually appreciate the mangled tits, because it takes my attention away from her horse face. Not that I hate horses, I always had a thing for competitive jumping because all the girls who do it are rich waspy girls, and Christopher Reeves, well not anymore. We all know that by the time these Waspy rich girls are 18, they’ll already be slamming black dudes, doing heroin for fun and eating pussy in night clubs, while living in the pool house, off their trust fund all because daddy gave them horses and not hugs. Competitve horse back riding breeds trashy rich whores you see on shows like intervention…I am waking up, watching the view and Star Jones just said “What?! What?!” about LL Cool J’s performance, that was so Hip Hop of her. Nothing I say will be that funny.


Bonus: Tori Spelling and Her D-List Celeb Husband

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2006

14

Apr

I am – Tori Spelling’s Tit Disease

ToriSpellingTits.jpg

It annoys me that everyone hates on Tori Spelling’s cleavage because it’s got a weird space in it that shouldn’t be there. It looks like bitch has been beat down with a baseball bat and left to die, or was in a car accident smashin’ in her ribs against the steering wheel and either way, I find it boring to listen to. I actually appreciate the mangled tits, because it takes my attention away from her horse face. Not that I hate horses, I always had a thing for competitive jumping because all the girls who do it are rich waspy girls, and Christopher Reeves, well not anymore. We all know that by the time these Waspy rich girls are 18, they’ll already be slamming black dudes, doing heroin for fun and eating pussy in night clubs, while living in the pool house, off their trust fund all because daddy gave them horses and not hugs. Competitve horse back riding breeds trashy rich whores you see on shows like intervention…I am waking up, watching the view and Star Jones just said “What?! What?!” about LL Cool J’s performance, that was so Hip Hop of her. Nothing I say will be that funny.


Bonus: Tori Spelling and Her D-List Celeb Husband

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2006

14

Apr

I am – Step T-Shirt and a Girl…..

One of our readers got the Step T-shirt he ordered a couple of days ago and this is the email and pictures he sent me. I don’t believe this.

Jesus,

I got the shirt, love it. I picked up a chick the first night I wore it and got some pics of her in it. I told her I’d make her famous. She even put it on backwards to let me take shots of her ass. Let me know when you have new ones. I will definitely make another purchase.

Cuddles (haha)

I don’t know why he got her to put the shirt on backwards, that’s a little weird but whatever. I have no real interest in hearing another man’s stories. I got my own life to live. I would say the Step T-Shirt gets you laid, but I don’t have any proof of that….I do have proof that it is the coolest fucking shirt I have ever seen.

This email gave me an idea and this is a call to all the other Step Supporters to send in pics of you doin’ crazy shit with your Step T-shirt. Crazy shit doesn’t mean bangin a chick without a condom, it could be anything. I will send the best entry a free step t-shirt when the new design comes in. If you still haven’t picked up the original Step T-Shirt, there are only a few left.

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2006

14

Apr

I am – DrunkenStepfather Street Art of the Day

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I would be lying if I said that I had anything to do with this, but I definitely think that I did. Since all you assholes hated my first T-shirt design, maybe we can get this artist to step forward and let me put it on a step shirt. I don’t think this is representative of me, I am not a violent person, I would never beat up anyone, I am more into peeking down their shirts, but it’s still funny. I met a girl last weekend who freaked on me when I said I wrote a site called DrunkenStepfather. She was a fat hippy, who kept talking about rainbow sessions and how she can’t drink coffee in styrofoam, while chainsmoking. She went on an on about her drunken stepfather and how he used to touch her inappropriately, or some shit. He just kept running up to me telling me that what I do is wrong because of the negative feelings it brings up in her…I was like “see you get it, that’s exactly the feelings I want to bring out in people”. I also met an A-Sexual at a karaoke bar whose mom died of cancer 3 months ago and her dad killed himself one month ago, but I didn’t have a chance to tell her what I do, I was too busy trying to run away from her. Anyway, someone get me this design. Cuddles.

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2006

14

Apr

I am – Carmen Electra on the Sybian

My biggest problem is that I have been sitting on these Carmen Electra sybian pics for a couple of days now, and I forgot to post them. I was waiting for the video to hit youtube and completely forgot to check. I guess that’s what happens when you are too busy thinking you are dying to stay on top of boring celebs riding sybians. I hate Carmen Electra because she’s a cock tease, hell bitch won’t even let herself cum on camera but everytime she’s interviewed she talks about how sexual she is. I totally know what kind of girl this is and that’s the kind that sucks in bed. You would think she’s a rocking fuck because of the way she acts, but the second you get her into bed, she lays there like a lazy slob and makes you do the work. You think you’re getting a treat, until you get up in the bitch and you realize it’s going to be a fucking challenge, so you fake your orgasm, roll over and never call the bitch again….On a side note, I love that Howard Stern has the ability to get girls to ride the sybian. He’s fucking TALENT. The most I have ever manipulated a girl to do was give me my change at the grocery store. She was the cashier and I was all like “baby, how about giving me my change”….that whore totally did exactly what I said. I got a similar story, but it was at a restaurant and it wasn’t about change, it was about refill on the water, but I’d hate to drop all my stories in one place. Just know, that I got mad game. Cuddles.

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2006

14

Apr

I am – Mariah Carey's White Bikini

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Mariah Carey is washed up and by washed up ,I mean frolicking in the water trying to clean herself off cuz she’s too fat for standard shower stalls/bath tubs. I say we just bring the bitch to an airplane hanger, tie her up and hose her down like an elephant. But not any elephant, I am talking the kind that you see in the circus. Rumor is that this ditch-pig is 20 lbs less fat than she was a few months ago, but that isn’t saying much. You know when you have a million dollars and you accidently drop a hundred dollar bill at the strippers, it’s leaves no impact on your wallet. While, when you have 200 dollars left on your credit card and your drop that same hundred, you’re left hurting next time you gotta pay your rent or eat. Point of this story is to say, bitch definitely isn’t lookin’ anorexic, and has quite a bit left in her pants/white bikini to go, if she wants any of us to really notice. I know these pics are old.

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2006

14

Apr

I am – Mariah Carey’s White Bikini

MariahBikiniTop.jpg

Mariah Carey is washed up and by washed up ,I mean frolicking in the water trying to clean herself off cuz she’s too fat for standard shower stalls/bath tubs. I say we just bring the bitch to an airplane hanger, tie her up and hose her down like an elephant. But not any elephant, I am talking the kind that you see in the circus. Rumor is that this ditch-pig is 20 lbs less fat than she was a few months ago, but that isn’t saying much. You know when you have a million dollars and you accidently drop a hundred dollar bill at the strippers, it’s leaves no impact on your wallet. While, when you have 200 dollars left on your credit card and your drop that same hundred, you’re left hurting next time you gotta pay your rent or eat. Point of this story is to say, bitch definitely isn’t lookin’ anorexic, and has quite a bit left in her pants/white bikini to go, if she wants any of us to really notice. I know these pics are old.

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2006

13

Apr

I am – Lindsay Lohan's Wax Tits

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When I look at these pictures of Lohan made out of wax, I can’t help but think of the sex shop I used to work at for a while. I was the night shift clerk and I had to deal with all the fucking freakshows who would come in at 2 am and jerk off in the back of the store to the Nina Hartley pussy mold….I would have to run them out of the store with a broom and a lot of the time, I was too fucking late…so there I am, on my knees cleaning some drunken homeless guy’s cum off a plastic pussy mold, for 5 dollars an hour.

Now, I don’t have the luxury of flying down to this museum to check if they made Lohan a vagina or not, like the sex doll I am pretending this wax statue is but I guess since bitch is made out of wax, we could always melt one in and take turns fucking her. Despite the fact she looks like a washed up tranny who just finished singing “I will survive” at a drag show, I’d still try to get the wax Lohan pregnant, because it’s probably the closest thing I will get to slammin’ Lohan….I know you’d think she’d be easy, considering she’s fucked half of hollywood, but I am not in Hollywood. I suck at life.

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2006

13

Apr

I am – Lindsay Lohan’s Wax Tits

lindsaylohanwax.jpg

When I look at these pictures of Lohan made out of wax, I can’t help but think of the sex shop I used to work at for a while. I was the night shift clerk and I had to deal with all the fucking freakshows who would come in at 2 am and jerk off in the back of the store to the Nina Hartley pussy mold….I would have to run them out of the store with a broom and a lot of the time, I was too fucking late…so there I am, on my knees cleaning some drunken homeless guy’s cum off a plastic pussy mold, for 5 dollars an hour.

Now, I don’t have the luxury of flying down to this museum to check if they made Lohan a vagina or not, like the sex doll I am pretending this wax statue is but I guess since bitch is made out of wax, we could always melt one in and take turns fucking her. Despite the fact she looks like a washed up tranny who just finished singing “I will survive” at a drag show, I’d still try to get the wax Lohan pregnant, because it’s probably the closest thing I will get to slammin’ Lohan….I know you’d think she’d be easy, considering she’s fucked half of hollywood, but I am not in Hollywood. I suck at life.

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2006

12

Apr

I am – Michelle Trachtenberg's Ass Crack

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About 5 year ago, every bitch who worked at a club was rockin’ low rise jeans, showin off their ass crack…There was a whole fucking movement based on showing the top of the ass, and it was called the new cleavage by the sluts who were doing it. Over the last 2 years, bitches everywhere, moved from Ass Crack Cleavage to the no bra, thin cotton shirt…showin the world the circumfrence of and color of their nipples….it was called the American Apparel movement. I don’t know what the next trend’s gonna be, I do know however that Michelle Tachtenberg’s a Jew and it’s Passover because Jew’s like 6 day holidays instead of 3/4 like the rest of the world and she’s showing her asscrack… I am just waking up and I don’t care about her asscrack, I am a much bigger fan of the anus, it’s just an inch away from the babyhole.

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2006

12

Apr

I am – Michelle Trachtenberg’s Ass Crack

MtTop.jpg

About 5 year ago, every bitch who worked at a club was rockin’ low rise jeans, showin off their ass crack…There was a whole fucking movement based on showing the top of the ass, and it was called the new cleavage by the sluts who were doing it. Over the last 2 years, bitches everywhere, moved from Ass Crack Cleavage to the no bra, thin cotton shirt…showin the world the circumfrence of and color of their nipples….it was called the American Apparel movement. I don’t know what the next trend’s gonna be, I do know however that Michelle Tachtenberg’s a Jew and it’s Passover because Jew’s like 6 day holidays instead of 3/4 like the rest of the world and she’s showing her asscrack… I am just waking up and I don’t care about her asscrack, I am a much bigger fan of the anus, it’s just an inch away from the babyhole.

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2006

12

Apr

I am – Dani Minogue's Tit

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I guess the good thing for Kylie is that her sister’s got enough tit to share with her in the event they amputate her shit cuz of the cancer. Call me ignorant, but one of Dani’s tits is big enough to fill an A-cup, provided you had the right tools to make it happen. I actually don’t find cancer funny, I think suspenders are though, they remind me of when I was younger and I used to get molested by the clown at the mall…Good fucking times, maybe I’ll write about it in my diary.

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2006

12

Apr

I am – Dani Minogue’s Tit

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I guess the good thing for Kylie is that her sister’s got enough tit to share with her in the event they amputate her shit cuz of the cancer. Call me ignorant, but one of Dani’s tits is big enough to fill an A-cup, provided you had the right tools to make it happen. I actually don’t find cancer funny, I think suspenders are though, they remind me of when I was younger and I used to get molested by the clown at the mall…Good fucking times, maybe I’ll write about it in my diary.

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2006

11

Apr

I am – Natalie Portman's Dog

Jewish girls are a good thing. They usually have rich parents who give them access to unlimited credit cards, that they use to get their hair done, their sephardi moustaches and cooters waxed, they rock designer clothes and if they are lucky get nose jobs, breast reductions/implants, braces by the time they are 18. They have solid educations for bright futures, they like to be seen and socialize, they rock cocaine harder than a rock band and they love pissing off their parents by fucking useless poor goyims, like me. The most exciting thing about Jewish chicks is that they all learn how to suck dick in summer camp when they are 14. They suck multiple dicks all summer long for 4 years straight, and if you land a Jewish chick who is about 22, you’re signing up for to get the best head of your life. When I was 27, I used to slam this 23 year old Jewish girl. At that point I had NEVER cum from a blowjob, I always had to finish off by jerking it or by slammin the girl….until I met Orit a 22 year old Israeli chick who changed my fucking life. Point of the story is, I don’t know if Portman sucked her first dick in summer camp and I don’t know if she’s good at giving head, but her dog does…..the dog also knows what facial expressions she makes when she shits and what her used panties look/smell like, even when she’s on the rag. The dog knows when she masturbates or gets fucked and here she is walking the little pervert like he didn’t see her pussy that morning…

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