So after reading that McFly wrote a song about Lohan because the drummer banged her, I decided to write to their myspace page for my stalker post. Now I know that they don’t actually read it, but I figured it would work for the sake of the “Stalker Post Series” and I guess since it is my site I get to make these kinds of decisions. The following message is one of the weirdest ones to date…possibly the best. Hope ya’ll enjoy. I like to call this – One Step Closer to Prison.
Dear McFly – More Specifically McFly Drummer,
It has come to my attention that my soul mate Lohan has been having a little fun on the side with your drummer. I wanted to let you know that I forgive you. I know you probably didn’t know I was WITH Lohan, mainly because Lohan doesn’t know I exist, yet. But I still wanted to be the bigger man and let you know that I am holding nothing against you.
I have been making an effort to be as involved as I can be in her life. It’s a bit of a challenge making things work out, mainly because I am in Canada and my parole officer won’t let me leave the country. It makes it so hard to be around her in person, so I do it over the internet. I am hoping that the messages I send to her friends and associates will eventually get back to her.
I am writing you to also know that in my efforts to be as involved in my soul mate’s life as I can, I have been finding myself masturbating to images of the men she has had relations with. I feel sex is something to rejoice and not hold negative feelings towards, so instead of wanting those men dead for tarnishing her womb with their semen, I have orgasms with them, in my mind.
While masturbating to your drummer, I listen to your latest album (I went out and bought 2 in case one got scratched, hope it helps you go platinum). I think about the things that he did to her naked body, I think about her smell, her touch, the bead of sweat dripping down her brow. I think about me and Lohan and I think about him having his way with her and I ejaculate all over my belly. It’s the best sex of my life. So thank you for that.
I don’t even want to get into what I do while thinking about Brett Ratner/Bruce Willis/Wilmer Valderrama/That Model Dude…but I’ll tell you this much….it is all pretty remarkable.
In closing, I would be more than happy if you could give Lohan’s personal email and/or phone number, so that I can talk to her in person. She needs to know we are meant to be together.
With Love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com