I can’t really stop this Lohan Stalker movement. I guess this is the reason I was never invited to parties when I was younger. I emailed Diddy, I won’t make his email address public, but if you want it email me. Here we go:
Dear Diddy,
I don’t know whether you know who I am or not, but I do know who you are. I read somewhere that you kicked Lohan out of your party for fighting with that cunt Paris Hilton. I call her “that cunt”, because not only is she a vile and rude used-condom of a person, but also because “that cunt’s” seen a whole lot more penis than the urinal at my local truck stop.
I’d still bang Paris without a condom after she got her HIV positive results, but that’s just a strategic business decision…..
I should be mad at you for the way you handled Lohan the other night because I am connected to Lohan at the soul. But the fact is that bitch doesn’t know I exist, and has NEVER reached out to me, not even to ask me to stop stalking her.
What I am asking of you is simple, lure Lohan into your hotel room, pretend it’s some kind of apology meeting. Get her to get naked, take a couple of pictures, steal a pair of her panties, fuck her if you want, whisper my name in her ear and when it’s all said and done, send her on her way. Go through the trash, pick up all things she touched, including (especially) used kleenex/toilet paper and wine glasses she’s drinked out of. Put it all in a box (along with the pics) and mail it up to me for masturbation purposes.
If this seems too complicated, you could always just give me her number/email/ home address but be sure to let her know that Jesus Martinez is stalking her.
I know her birthday is coming up, is there anyway you can get me in that party?
I appreciate all your help and look forward to your response, if you’re up in Montreal this weekend for the Race Cars, feel free to take me out for dinner/drinks to further discuss my proposal.
With Love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com