I have this new fantasy that when my wife dies, I start dating a barely legal girl or at least a girl who looks like she’s 15. Not because I am a ped or because I am nearly 40 and having a mid-life crisis and need this to make me feel alive againg, but because it makes for good comedy. I would coordinate it so that all our dates would be something little kids do, like getting ice cream, going to amusement parks, waterslides and the mall. I would get really dirty looks from moms my age, who would be at the same date spots with their daughters. I got this idea from my lawyer last night because one of the strippers had this tight pubescent body and was about 100 lbs. He said if you were to date her, knowing she’s 20, everyone would think she’s 15 and that you’re a pervert but it would be perfectly legal and I was all over that shit, Nicole Richie on cake.
Speaking of Fat Bitches. I feel like MUNG is my Nicole. I am giving him a fan base and an outlet to get famous, like Paris did for Nicole in the Simple Life. If he had started a site on his own a month ago, no one would give a fuck about him and he’d have all of 3 readers. But now you are about to read his story and write him fan email while leaving me in the fucking gutter to rot. Thanks for forgetting the original. Assholes.
THIS IS KIND OF A LONG ONE SO BEAR WITH ME PEOPLE
LAST NIGHT I GOT LAID WHILE YOU VIRGINS SAT ON THE INTERNET STALKING MYSPACE GIRLS. It had been 15 months since I had inserted my penis into something that I didn’t have to blow up first. Here is how it went down.
Patterson called me @ 10:30 last night and told me he had some wicked pot and that he wanted me to come over to smoke it with him. I was kinda nervous because I was thinking that he wanted me to pay him for the hash oil he gave me last weekend. He forgot because he is a stoner.
We smoked the pot and I was about to get up to leave because I didn’t want to sit around and listen to Wu-Tang Clan and reminisce about the good ol’days of high school, when all of a sudden he said “let’s go downtown”. I looked through my wallet and I had 11 dollars. “Sure” I said. So we hop in my 91′ Neon and head to the bar. I walked in and all of a sudden it hit me….I AM FUCKING HIGH AS FUCK. I don’t like to be in social situations when I am stoned. I become Helen Keller and talk with my hands and make grunting noises that don’t even come close to forming words. I ordered a beer from the bartender by using sign language and all of a sudden a girl walks up to me and says hi. This chick was absolutely disgusting and sorta looked like the Kool-Aid man because she was fat and she was wearing red pants and a red shirt. Patterson told her to fuck off and then said “Ohhhh yeah!” to her in the Kool Aid man voice. I nearly spit my beer out I was laughing so hard. She heard him but still continued to talk to me and offered to buy me a drink. I asked for a “Killer Kool-Aid” and Patterson nearly shit himself he was laughing so hard. After I downed the drink the chick looked at me and smiled. I think she roofied it because I woke up this morning in the East End of town, beside her naked, and my fingers and dick smelled like tuna flavoured Kool-Aid.
I hate myself and I am never hanging out with Patterson again.
I have decided to go back to bed without showering because I kinda like the smell of tuna flavoured Kool-Aid, but first I have to decide what type of drug I want to do tonight. I downloaded Huey Lewis and the News’ “I Want A New Drug” and I am listening to it right now to inspire me. I don’t want to go next door and ask my veterinarian neighbour for “cat tranquilizers” because she will tell my parents and then they will kick me out of the house and I will become homeless and I will have to rent my mouth out as a place for homosexuals to stick their penis to make a living. I don’t want to call Patterson because he will lead me on another adventure downtown. So my brilliant idea is to try “whippits”. For those of you that don’t know what a whippit is, it is when you take a can of whipped cream and inhale the gaseous contents of the can and become clinically retarded for about 3 minutes. I have decided to buy 4 cans. Actually, I won’t be buying them because I have no money. I will be shoplifing. I will let you know how my adventure goes tomorrow.
Now go fuck off,
MUNG