I am a lot like Owen Wilson, except for the fact that he’s a suicidal drug addict who fucks hot shit, when I am just a drunk fat dude who recognizes that I suck at life but would never jump. I also don’t fuck hot shit or I just fuck shit unless you count the time I was still slamming my wife and she shit on my dick because she ate too much mexican food and thought she just had to fart and I still finished, but that was years ago and I only did it because being Mexican, the irony was poetic and poetry always makes me cum.
I was at a bar last night and it turns out that people at bars hate me as much as I hate myself, because the last 6 times I’ve left my house it’s ended in some serious conflict where I am the center of the fucking problem. The problem is usually that I am a schoolyard bully who gets off on fuckin’ around with people, and instead of muscling them out and stealing their lunch money, I just run my mouth off and they don’t get me. I don’t do it to fight, I do it is for jokes, but it turns out that I am not funny and that people don’t get me and I can only blame you for my problem, because you’ve given me false sense of talent for emailing me telling me that I am funny, like Hayden Panettiere’s got the false sense of being hot. I am so bad at this blogging shit that I shoulda used this paragraph in the Hayden post but didn’t. No wonder people try to beat me up.
Either way, here are some pictures of his new vagina with a stupid name in a bikini from a few days ago because she’s easy on my hungover eyes and because she’ll lead this fucker to actually killing himself when she fucks off on him after becoming famous off his controversy, and I am all about people who inspire people to succeed.