I am - Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

2006

Jun

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

A little cocaine never hurt anyone, errr wait…..I know a few people who died cuz of it, but that’s not the point. The point is that whether she’s ripping lines or not I am still gonna be stalking her. I also think people need to stop calling her Blohan because it’s about as funny as anything else Trerez Pink Hilton have come up with, which is not very…funny…I fucked that one up.

I am officially the first result for “Lohan Stalker” on Google, and that means I am one step closer to prison/restraining orders/etc.

I just remembered a funny story I was saving for my first appearance on Letterman about how I got my first restraining order in grade 6 for calling the girl I had a crush on a cunt, repeatedly. I also spat sunflower seeds on her. The school wanted to kick me out, but my Baptist parents ran some kind of line about how I was a troubled soul that needed to feel accepted to better fit into society or some shit. So they let me stay, but I had to stay 25 feet from her at all times. So Monday morning, my desk was moved to other side of the classroom.

Looking back on that story, I realize, I was made for this shit.

I decided to email the founding partners of Endeavor LA, Lohan’s Agency. So here’s what I had to say to them:

Dear Founders of Endeavor LA,

Lindsay Lohan and I are separated at the soul. I have recently discovered that your company represents her and figured you may be the best people to contact in regards to getting her back into my arms. The problems is simple, she doesn’t know I exist.

Now, I know you are BUSY people, so I am going to keep this short and to the point.

How much would it cost to book Lohan to host an event I will be organizing in Montreal Canada?

This said event will take place at the local Subway Restaurant, where we will share a 6 inch sandwich, because I figure I will be on a budget after hiring Lohan for the evening and that she doesn’t eat all that much. We will then take public transportation to a motel that charges by the hour for a soak in the heart shaped Jacuzzi.

I always knew that my first night with Lohan would be magical, but never as magical as what I just outlined, and I guess the exciting thing is that she can’t say no as it will be a paying job.

I am not implying that Lohan is a common whore, as she is the woman for me. I would never call my woman a whore, unless she was actually a whore, working to make money for baby formula (which would never really be an issue as I am impotent, unless it was someone else’s baby…)

I am so excited by this recent development in my relationship with Lohan, it’s like I can taste her already. You will see it is worth your effort, because I complete Lohan and will put an end to her wild ways (except for in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. WINK WINK)

I eagerly await your response. If it would be best for me to make the arrangements directly with Lohan, feel free to send her contact info my way.

Forever grateful,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com