I am - Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

2006

Jun

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

My word of wisdom for the day is that if you dress the kitchen garbage in a Chanel Dress, it’s still kitchen garbage. That came to me while watching that cunt Paris Hilton’s new music video last night, obviously written before her sex tape cuz she drops a line like “I’ll show you mine if you’re lucky” or some shit….(I guess I shouldn’t have used quotation marks on that one). I am pretty sure any of the cock she’s landing has already seen her useless sex tape, but that’s not the point. The point is that I am still stalking Lohan and I haven’t heard back from any of the people I have been emailing. I am number 1 google result for Lohan Stalker. Now the only thiong that will stop me is the law.

Today, I emailed Bruce Willis…

Dear Bruce,

While reading the gossip pages last week, I learnt that you recently left Lohan a message about how gorgeous you think she is. I know that prior to this message you have spent a night with her in your hotel room on at least one occasion.

I want you to know that I am not mad at you for running after my girlfriend, mainly because I have never met you, but also, Lohan doesn’t really know that she is involved with me because we have yet to meet. I can however, state with confidence, that I know it’s destiny and that we are connected at the soul.

The reason I am emailing you is because I want to ask you a favor. The next time you bang her, or have her in your mouth, can you please think about me and possibly whisper my name in her ear.

It is really only fair, considering I have already “cum hard with a vengeance” while making love to Lohan Bikini Pics of the day while reruns of Moonlighting were on in the other room….

I guess that technically means we’ve already had a threesome, and it was probably the best sex I have ever had, I’d like to thank you for being a part of it and hope we can do it again, only next time while double penetrating the real LOHAN. I’ll let you give me a high five, but no lookin’ at my dick. Homo.

If you’d rather I tell Lohan about my deep rooted love for her, please feel free to give me her phone number/email address.

Thanks for your time,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

I never said they’d all be funny, asshole. This is about love not comedy. Cuddles.