Here are some pictures of Cindy Crawford’s stomach lookin’ like shit just got off the set of a horror movie, but I’m all for being scared by ex-supermodels, because pregnancy stretch marks are a hell of a lot less offensive than my wife’s obesity stretch marks, and probably smell a lot better.

I always make jokes with pregnant chicks, or girls who just had babies about what they would do if their baby came out ugly. Some of them play along with me and tell me about how they’d get a third trimester abortion like they were in China, or they’d just release the fucker out into the wild to fend for itself and if it found it’s way home, it’d be worth keeping because it would mean that it was too smart or driven to give away to the neighbors or that professional couple that can’t have kids and that they’d just pretend the kid was their dead sister’s and they got stuck with it after the “accident”.

I know the reality is that all mother’s think their kids are amazing, that’s why they all brag about the useless shit their kids do everyday to each other, like the when the kid pisses itself or smiles or giggles or does something cute, like shit was the most amazing thing to the rest of us, because it’s the most amazing thing to them.

I think the whole fascination that they went through all this suffering and threw away their lives and bodies for this fuckin’ thing and that makes a person delusional, because otherwise they’d look vain and selfish and like an unfit mother. So they pretend that the thing is beautiful and was worth it all the suffering and destruction to their once rockin’ body. Admitting that it was mistake to start a family, especially when your uterus wronged you and your stomach never bounced back to the way it was and now you hate the way you look in the mirror would just lead someone to suicide, while lying to yourself about how happy life is now that you’re a mom and that you love your mom body is a good way to keep on living.

It’s kinda the same reason you’re going to marry a fat ugly bitch and pretend she’s everything you always wanted in a woman, because she’s all you can get and that my friend, is better than being alone. I know we aren’t friends, but I just felt like being personable. Cuddles.

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