Shiri Appleby, who is currently pregnant, is really putting a lot of effort into getting noticed in the celebrity world. She had a taste of fame in the 90s, or whenever that show Roswell was on, and she’s coming back for more. This time, doing it the right way, which is also the bottom feeding, attention seeking, hooker way, that is actually pretty easy to pull off.
Here are the 10 steps to getting famous when already in LA, and already semi established because you’ve had a recurring role on a TV show at one point or another in your career, even if it was a fucking decade ago.
Step 1 – Hire the paparazzi to take pics of you in your bikini on the beach even if you are pregnant. Pregnancy is counter productive to this whole step by step thing, but if rich sperm comes around, take it, and smear it on your cervix as best as you can. It is a better retirement plan than love level celebrity.
Step 2 – Leak a nude pic , pretend it isn’t you like you were that fat girl Kat Deeley, or Vanessa Hudgens or the countless other girls who were in movies, but in backseat roles who needed to step up for themselves and scream “Look at me I’m Here”
Step 3- Get cast on a really popular show, even if you don’t get paid. Especially if that show has a nude monster of a woman in it, I am talking a real ditch pig who shouldn’t even be naked when she’s alone and showering, let alone nude on TV. Even the most desperate of people wouldn’t be eager to fuck her, or fantasize about her on TV. But she wrote the show so the producers (Judd Appatow) give her the chance to feed that ego like she was Gaga. You know, always the ugly one, finally making a stand while the hot girls she envied are busy being hot. While she’s finally sexualized herself like she was hot, because ultimately, it is her fucking show. More importantly, Girls and Lesbians relate to ugly girls more than they do to hot girls, because girls are all insecure.
Step 4 – Get naked on that really popular show, a show that empowers women, even if you don’t get paid, because anything is better than the ditch pig who normally gets naked in the show, making you, even if you’re the hottest, you’re fucking hotter than that thing Lena Dunham. (I watched the clip until the point where she said “I can love your dick and not be a whore” and realized this shit is not for me. It is written by girls and represents everything I hate. Low quality, obvious commentary, fake edgy, fuck yourself Lena Dunham for producing this empowering crap, that is just crap.)
Step 5 – Repeat until people who aren’t the virgin losers who love you, never forget you, because Roswell was their life, notice.
Shiri Appleby got this formula down. Let’s see what happens.