I guess Liv Tyler’s been slacking on her Mommy and Baby Aerobics classes to whip her back into shape after having a baby, because here are some pictures of her dreaming about her next piece of cake while sitting on the beach in a bikini. She’s obviously the kind of girl who took a liking to being pregnant and being able to eat whatever she wanted without having to feel guilty or judgement from others during the pregnancy and has an arrogance that makes her feel secure that her baby daddy will love her any shape she comes in because he consistently banged her during the pregnancy and gave her a false sense of positive body image when he told her how beautiful she was to avoid her hormonal rages.

Now her delusions have lead her to frolicking around the beach like her next role is in Free Willy the human version. I know calling a fat recent mother a whale is probably played the fuck out, but I figure that there aren’t too many plus sized mammals who like water, unless you count my wife spraying herself with a garden hose on hot days because we can’t afford air conditioning, but you don’t know what that looks like, so I’ll stick with the whale imagery because whale’s are better looking.

Either way, these pictures make me reconsider Liv’s decision to keep her baby, it’s one of those “If I could turn back time” moments”, not that I ever really liked her or care if she’s fat or not because I don’t have to share a bed with her, but her baby daddy probably does because he signed up for something a hell of a lot better than this and if she doesn’t shape up soon, he’ll probably be exploring some girls in smaller sized bikinis and by exploring I mean having banging….

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