Money may not buy you happiness but it does buy you everything else. I am not really one who would know this first hand because I am pretty much a hurtbag who is living off the dream of making enough money to get me a car and maybe even a house and maybe even enough money to travel the world and being able to impress girls enough to make them want to shower for me while I sit in the corner and observe by buying them drinks or inviting them back to my pool or hot tub for naked hot tub parties but in the meantime I will sit here on my computer smelling my wife’s gas from the other room slowly work it’s way into this room realizing that although I can’t escape this hell I’ve been sentenced to, I am still going to do the best I can to be a decent person.
I saw 3 homeless dudes on the street today. One was a well dressed older man who was calmly asking for change, the other was a street punk who probably had some kind of addiction proven by his face tattoos, I see him around a lot and everyday he seems to be getting fatter so I can only assume that his business is doing well for him and the last dude I saw was a fat Jewish guy with what looked like a Rolex who constantly asks me for a quarter for a coffee.
I dug into my pockets for the old guy and gave him 2 dollars because he looked like he was going to spend the money on booze and I feel a connection to bums who drink. I don’t care for jeweled up jews who are too cheap to tap into their Bar Mitzvah money and I stay away from dudes with face tattoos because they scare me. Reality is that I am in no position to give any money away to anyone, but I do it anyway in hopes of giving him the means to get drunk because he probably needs it.
This homeless dude was caught drinking diet coke is a light weight, dude doesn’t even go for the caffeinated original one because he’s watching his weight or he’s a diabetic or something but whatever he is, he’s not getting drunk and that’s why I didn’t give him money, instead I gave him internet fame for being a Jewish Mother. I hope he doesn’t sleep in and miss his Yoga class. Motherfucker.