I don’t know where Ashlee Simpson left her ass, but I know it’s not in her pants. Maybe Jessica ate it when her team of chefs couldn’t make her a pulled pork sandwich at 4 am…cuz there were no 24 hour grocery stores around…but more importantly because they were ignoring her calls due to extreme exhaustion from all the work she’s been putting them through with her emotional eating that she’s embraced as part of who she is lately…It’s just not humanly possible to keep up with those kinds of demands….

The good news for Jessica is that country music chicks from Texas are allowed to be fat…instead of starving herself for the LA scene and the general public she turned her back on cuz we expect her to be the busty hot chick we used to jerk off to…country fans are more loyal, less superficial, and used to obesity…if you’ve ever been to Wal Mart in a Texan suburb, you’ll get what I’m saying….

The bad news for her is that she has to buy two seats on the plane when she travels commercial….

The good news for Ashlee is that genetics haven’t bogged her down and blown her up into a fucking big and she doesn’t have to drop the “baby weight” excuse every bitch uses….But the bad news for her is that she looks like a dude from behind…especially with the new haircut…which is great news for her husband Pete “Fall Out Boy” Wentz, you know cuz he’s gay and I guess that makes him the winner in all this.

Posted in:Ashlee Simpson