Coleen Rooney is a soccer wife…the kind of soccer wife you don’t quite understand, especially when she’s in a bikini, because soccer wives are supposed to be Russian mail-order bride models and UK Glamour models who may not have the hottest bodies, but who get naked in photoshoots and trick us into thinking they are hotter than they are, while this girl just tricks us into questioning why she got into a bikini while being built like shit…was it cuz she was too high on sugar, you know in some kind of diabetic shock, clouding her judgement and making her do this, or maybe she is a medicated mom who’s husband bangs other babes, while she slowly dies on the inside, because she doesn’t want to walk away from the good life her body doesn’t really deserve…that lottery ticket, is an actual lottery ticket, that you tread lightly around so you don’t lose it….but at least she’s got some big titties to go with her back flap folds…

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