HOW ARE YOU!

I wanted to reach out to see if your hotel is ready to have a legendary BLOGGER in their presence.

My name is Jesus Martinez and I’m a size 52 jean. 

I run one of the LONGEST RUNNING celebrity blogs in the history of the format, some would argue that I invented the format. 

I am ranked 23,000th biggest website in the USA according to third party ranking software, which in the event you didn’t realize is HUGE. 

It’s FAR bigger than the reach of the Social Media Influencers you give free rooms to. They have fake followers, likes, comments and views that they buy for pennies, just to SCAM people like you.

I think there are more fun ways to scam, like calling grannies you find in the obituaries and pretending to be their grandson in need of bail money.

The COLD HARD TRUTH is that I have reached over 1,000,000,000 people in the 20 year
I’ve been running the site,

They call me CHINA and by they, I mean myself, but that’s more due to my small penis. You see there’s a stereotype that Asian men have small penises, I haven’t done the research to validate that stereotype, but as an ignorant racist I assume all stereotypes are real. Maybe you have more experience in the area since Chinese people love to gamble, which may also be a racist thing to say as you are currently formulating your Chinese New Year mailer to your Chinese audience to get more Chinese money into your Casinos. Maybe you’re the racists?

One Billion People served, like McDonalds….That’s a legitimate audience, people CLICKING my website to see what I have to say…

Not some passive mouth breathing asshole scrolling his instagram feed looking for fake tits, clicking LIKE on every hot photoshopped muppet looking bitch with a fake audience. . 

You are SO lucky that I am giving YOU the opportunity to HOST ME.

I am looking for ROOM and F&B credit for my 20 day stay.

In return, you will have feelings of warmth in your heart knowing you helped me out in a charitable way. Make a wish foundation feel good moment.

If you’re wondering why I am going to Vegas….think LEAVING LAS VEGAS at the Porn awards.

Throwin’ in the towel at the PORN AWARDS only I am not aiming for the “suicide” or “death” part, more focusing on the self destructive fun part however if I die in drunken stupor, drowning by the squirt of a porn chick suffocation me with her leathery labia….it’d be a great way to go, don’t you agree?

I look forward to hearing from you and coordinating this MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION style trip, where my wish is arguably way more fun than what the cancer kids ask for.

Cuddles!

With Love, 
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com