Once again I apologise for abandoning you. I am not the greatest friend, but when i…ah fuck it, who cares.
Anyways, this is the first time i have been completely sober in the last 14 days. I quit my job 2 weeks ago, spent all my money on cocaine and booze, and cant stop falling asleep. So, in light of this oh-so-motivating sober situation, i bring you this.
The Team Fuck Top Ten Realizations Of The Month after the jump bitches….
10) Talking to girls on MSN about threesomes is cool.
I know this girl, she has a blogger at Paige Six. By telling her i could make her famous i some how managed to get her on msn. We started talking about threesomes. This one is pointless.
9) Mailing cakes to Montreal is hilarious
8) 1989 Toyota Tercel VS. 300yr old Maple Tree. Tree wins.
I once rear ended a Ford cargo van with my 89 tercel. The van was all kinds of dented, my car was fine. You’d think that i would remember events like these before i tried my luck with a forest. You thought wrong.
7) Don’t make fun of girls in High school. Some of them get hot.
I went to high school once, and in that school i made fun of girls. Now one of the girls grew up to be a bombshell. She got the gap in her teeth fixed, grew tits…and i have a snowballs chance in hell of laying pipe.
6) Putting your cell phone number on the Internet isn’t a good idea, no one calls. It’s depressing.
5) Toasters – Not just for toast.
If i had pictures of this it would be better, but I don’t. However, you can cook a mighty good hot dog in a toaster. Just lay them in horizontal, place the bun on top, and DISCO! You have toasted hot dog.
4) Love does not make the world go ’round. Jack Daniels does.
Seriously, you drink a 26er of JD and that shit spins like a motherfucker. Love is for fags anyways. I have been dating the same girl for 10 months, and haven’t told her i love her. If you tell girls you love them, they have you by the balls. And I have grown attached to my balls. Fuck women, drink Jack. Put that on a billboard.
3) Pulp Fiction is the greatest movie ever made.
Like when Jules shoots the guy on the couch and then says “oh, I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?”. Damn that shit is gangsta.
2) Eating a half-quarter of mushroom makes you crazy.
A few weeks ago I got loaded and ate mushrooms with my best friend of 16 years. I made fun of him for hours because he once wore a pink shirt. It wasn’t until 8am that he finally snapped and threw me through his glass closet.
1) Quitting your job for the sole purpose of becoming famous isn’t the best idea.
I had a fairly decent job working at a model and talent agency. They stopped paying me because they went broke. I think they went broke because I stopped working, who knows. The point is, i quit because i thought i would be famous by the end of the week. I’m not. Now I’m fucked.
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