DrunkenStepfather What Should I do?

Dear Jesus,

I really want to hook up with a hooker, but I really can’t afford one. I haven’t worked in years and I am a hurting motherfucker. I have fucked many girls, all of them were whores but none of them were professionals. Since I am broke, how can I get with a hooker? Keep in mind that I am so poor that I can’t even afford to eat! I look forward to your advice.

Drunken Stepfather – Guide to Free Sex with Hookers

All girls are hookers. Not because they reek of syphilis, or because they are sprawled out on the street corner looking for a piece of crack that may have fallen from their once tight fitting clothes. Addiction’s a bitch, but it is a great way to suppress the memories of being molested by that male figure in your life. You know, your teacher, uncle or if you’re lucky your father. Either way, girls all love money. I never see a rich ugly guy with a fat bitch on his arm. The fat bitches who no one wants are left for people like me, factory workers by day and internet celebrities by night. It’s some kind of survival of the fittest type shit.

Not all hookers are crack addicted victims of molestation. They aren’t all girls who work the street, willing to suck any stranger off for $20. Those are just the kind I like, but that is because the suffering in their eyes and the uncontrolable twitching gets me off. This isn’t about me, but I hate wallet-fucking bitches, who don’t realize that they are whores, because they hold down good jobs, but only sleep with rich dudes, I hate high-class escorts who overcharge and think they are the prettiest thing to hit your bedsheets, but since you probably don’t own bed sheets, I can get back to the orignal point of all this.

I have spent many nights with street whores, or what I like to call the “REAL DEAL�. Some of the more intense relationships in my life have been with prostitutes and that is not because I fear commitment or because I find STD scares exciting, but because I like victims of society, it reminds me of how fucked up the world is, but more importantly of my life on the streets, feeding my dog banana peels and spending days jacked on crystal banging the useless filth most people are scared of. In my time, I have learnt a few tricks that may be useful to you, if you are looking for ways to get free sex with a hooker, you fucking pervert. Take this advice:

I am going to be posting the Advice in Sections, Because I was told it would be easier to digest.

Drugs:

By my definition, paying for a hooker means that there is no cash transaction. Getting high with one implies that you are just showing her a good time even though that most hookers value drugs more than money, it’s not like they actually have rent to pay or food to buy. Trust me, this bitch does not have a mortgage or cable bill to deal with. Their lifestyle is all about getting fucked up, so if you’ve already stooped so low that your willing to stick your cock in this dirty, surprisingly wet hole, you might as well fully engulf yourself and smoke crack with one. The best way to approach this situation is get a hooker to a safe haven, either a hotel room, if you can afford one (rich kid) or a quiet alley, tell her straight up that you are going to hook her up with some rock. She will go for it and give’r, however I like to take this shit to the next level and by next level I don’t mean condomless, I was never into risk, I mean get her a little more than high, session that bitch until she overdoses, then fuck her while she’s convulsing. Not getting paid by you will be the least of your worries if she lives. Get up, walk away, and you my friend just had sex with a hooker without paying.

Kidnap her Kid:

Last time I checked kidnapping was illegal, so I don’t suggest that you really kidnap her kid, I wouldn’t want you to get arrested, but more importantly because she doesn’t know who her kid is, thanks social services! Remember prison fucking sucks, and one good hooker blowjob is not worth all the cock you’ll be sucking, so try to keep this as legal as possible. In this situation you need to be able to talk, you have to ask her questions about her past, her kids and where they are now. The hooker is your information source, so ask as many questions as possible, but don’t make it obvious, throw in some filler questions to throw her off. You are dealing with a crackhead here, so once you have the dirt on her, use it against her, reiterate everything she told you, but forgot she told you, because she’s a crackhead and she will start to get paranoid. She will completely forget that she told you how old little Miguel is, who the father is, why social services took him away, once she believes you, drop the bomb and tell her Miguel is being held hostage and that you want to cum in her face as ransom. If it is the only way to save little Miguel, bitch will have your dick in hand in no time! The only time this doesn’t work is when the whore is a teenage runaway and hasn’t had a kid yet, if this is the situation tell her that her mom died, emotionally fucking her up, filling her with guilt and in her raging tantrum, sneak out of the room. Don’t feel guilty, you just did her a favor, it’s not like her mom ever wants to see her failure daughter again anyway.

Taste Test:

The taste test is what all drug dealers do before a big deal, you walk in with the cash, but they always want to do a couple of lines with you before you leave. The same applies to whores, but it’s a little harder to work because you have to befriend the pimp or play one whore off the other. You have to go to a location that has a dense whore population, and get them to try to solicit you for business, make it very clear that you are more than ready to pay for the “time of your life� and your excitement will be enough to get their juices flowing, the opportunity to make money, no matter how often they suck cock in a given night is what drives them, so make them believe you are going to pay. You are the consumer and like every good consumer you want to hook up the best deal, so get them trying to “one-up� each other on what they are actually going to do to you. Eventually you are going get offered bonus, usually in the form of a blowjob, so the trick is to coordinate getting a blowjob from each of them as a mechanism to determine which one is worthy of your dime. Once you cum, either convince he bitches that neither of them made the cut and you’re going to test out the tranny-whore down the block, or more importantly start a fight between them, and when they are beating the shit out of each other, make your move, but watch out, these people have no desire to live, so the fights get out of hand. A variation of this is befriending the pimp, get him to trust you, which may mean giving him business in the past, or having dirt on him, that could get him in trouble with the law. If he feels like he owes you a good time to either keep your mouth shut, or as a promotion “buy one, get one free�, or ideally because he likes you, then he will hook you up with a slut, it’s his currency. He even gives his dad whores for father’s day, it’s just the way he works. But getting on a pimps good side is next to impossible, their walls are pretty hard to break down, but once you do, you’ll be in free stripper sex heaven.

Hooker with a heart of gold:

Everything with a Uterus, no matter how rotted out it is, has a hormonal inclination to make and raise babies. All the drugs in the back alley can’t take away this physiological predisposition a woman has, even if bitch is fucking crazed from syphilis and too cracked out to formulate a comprehensible sentence, she will always be ready to breast feed and nurture anything, nothing can stop that. The trick here is to tap into that motherly instinct and it isn’t easy, because although your penis is 3 inches, she will not buy that you are a needy child no matter how hard you suck her titty. You have to find common ground, make her feel for you, make her believe you have only stooped this low because your mom was never part of your life, the more you convince, the more likely she will start lactating and from my experience a mother rarely charges her kids for the hottest blowjob of your life. If she’s convinced this blowjob is the one thing you need to go on living, the philanthropic and motherly needs everything with a vagina has, will feel like she’s doing the right thing. It’s not easy to get a money hungry addict to oversee a fix, but it can be done, and it will be, just plan your sob story in advance and try not to laugh when she falls for it, which you won’t because I know you’re really sad.

Marry Her:

Offer her a warm meal and a shower. I am not talking about actually taking this bitch home to your parents and I would never suggest that you fall in love with a hooker, even if she’s the only girl who has ever talked to you. It really isn’t your fault your social skills are not up to snuff, you have spent your life scared of the opposite sex and this isn’t going to change overnight. So once you establish that you aren’t going to actually ask this girl to be your wife, you can get started but it has to be very clear that you will never be seeing her again, this is a one orgasm deal. The best strategy to get a stripper to think you will solve her problems is to offer her a warm shower. You do not want to bring them back to your house, because they will steal from you, so it is a great strategy to pull when you are house sitting for friends. Tell the bitch that she’s the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen, show compassion for her life of hard living and most importantly, get her to think you can offer her an out, because no one really likes spending a life of sucking dick for money, except maybe your sister, but that’s just because she’s a slut. Once the hooker believes your lies of a future together, she will never be able to bring herself to charging you, give her a fake number because you are “going our of town� for the weekend and go your separate ways. If you do not have the skills needed to have a hooker , who is down on herself and vulnerable to fall for you, you’re a lost cause and should give up on a quest for pussy. Remember her hopes for real love will be more than enough payment, and you officially just got a whore for free. Manipulating people is always fun.

Make Her Famous:

Everyone wants to be famous. People see that as a major out to all their problems both financially and emotionally. Fame seems to be a fantasy for everyone, and that’s only because the downside of fame, in comparison to the upside of lux living is really not that relevant. It would be unrealistic for you to promise her a record deal, especially if bitch can’t speak English, but it is possible to focus on what they do, which is sex for money. Being a pornstar is a hookers dream, they aren’t dreaming of world tours, they would just be happy making $1000 a week. The strategy is simple, tell them you run a porn site that will pay more than double what they make a day, all they have to do is continue what they are doing, only in a safer environment. The fact is that she’s never been on the Internet and what she knows of it is that a lot of people make a lot of money on the net. She will never know that you don’t run a site, because the internet is anonymous and more importantly, dot com millionaires are all dirty lookin’ people, just like you. Selling her on the dream is enough to convince her that now is a great time for an audition, and in this case the audition is her fucking you. Tell her that all the girls you have taken off the streets are millionaires now and they you can really turn her life around. You have the upper hand, and she will be eager to show you the talents she’s worked so hard developing. Remember when you are done say “I just made you famous, bitch�. If she’s good at what she does, who knows you could very well get her working for you, but this is not about career advice.

Getting a hooker to fuck you for free is easy, you just need to play on her insecurities and manipulate the shit out of her, I am not talking about manually manipulating the shit out of her, only because whores don’t shit, they are too constipated from all the drug use. There are no guarantees that this advice won’t get you killed, I will admit that few people have the talent I have in this environment, but dude, I think you can pull it off and remember a free hooker is a hell of a lot more rewarding than taking the bitch from the coffee shop out for dinner, only to slam her and deal with all her shit about wanting a relationship. This is good advice, but the success is all up to you. Cuddles!

With love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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