There’s something really funny about people yapping on their cellphones in public. I know, it’s something we all see and wonder about and probably do…

But I was caught next to a woman fighting with her boyfriend while parking her car….just fucking going at him…and I thought “I hope this bitch doesn’t follow me into Starbucks, where I have a gift card for Evil Corporate Coffee”….and obviously, from her suburban white princess tone, I shoulda known better….because I was stuck in front of her going on about how he doesn’t fuck her like he used to, how she fakes her orgasms, how he’s better off with the new girl he’s seeing, how she’s moving out, and all this other shit that I had no interest in getting exposed to and that I am sure no one else in the place wanted to get into, we have our own problems, leave yours to your damn self, you know…

So I said…”if you’re into bad sex and no orgasms and since you’re recently single…and you know since destiny, and I believe in Destiny, she’s more than just a stripper who left a shit stain on my khakis back when I worked as a furniture salesman, it was commission based and I lasted a week, but Destiny…like the stars aligned in STARbucks…like that Mermaid seduced us both in to be here today…I’d totally let you sit on my face, you look like you’re well kept, washed and like you smell like a field of lavender”…..

No I didn’t…but I should have…if I wasn’t too busy wanting her to have some birth control induced blood clot…

BLOOD clot.

But then, another girl on her phone with massive tits and a skimpy summer dress, I’m talking legs long and luxurious and tits bigger than my head all braless and perfectly perky, walked into me because she was on her phone…texting, sexting, tindering, or instagrmaming, I don’t care, it was the most action I’ve had from someone so hot..

Yay, technology.

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