Gwyneth Paltrow turned 50, I thought she was 60, and the media decided to hype her bikini picture she posted to celebrate the milestone birthday, because when you’re an old whore, I guess the only way to feel like you matter is stripping down into a bikini to celebrate being an old whore, I mean I don’t understand the logic, but I don’t have a vagina that’s trying to hold onto a dream, gripping it like it would probably grip a watermelon thanks to being so blown out!

I just know that I never found Paltrow hot and that the People Magazine headline to this pic had to do with Paltrow saying she used to think she had to be perfect but now she’s just embracing who she actually is, or what she actually looks like, mom gunt hanging out and all, which I guess is code for “I’m rich, people dont care about my gunt, my audience are all 400 pounders, if anything an anorexic me is unrelatable and thus LESS financially lucrative” which is ultimately why she’s posting anything in the first place, MONETIZATION and an attempt to keep her brand GOOP relevant, since all these people are fake as fuck!

But as someone who never found Paltrow perfect, near perfect, or even hot, the fatter and older her is an improvement since it’s one year closer to death!

JOIN THE NEWSLETTER YOU ASSHOLES!

Posted in:Gwenyth Paltrow|gwyneth paltrow