Some people say they need the confidence of a person who doesn’t have a case on their expensive iPHone…it was a meme that I guess people find clever because people are idiots and it circulated the internet – landing on my Facebook feed and reminding me that people don’t get it…

The real confidence you need is that of a hooker who lets a guy paying her 100 dollars a half hour – fuck her up the ass and cum in her without a condom…because he tells her he’s a virgin – when everyone know that no virgin is fucking hookers up the ass – or ever telling them the virgin line to negotiate no condom – virgins don’t think like that…and I guess believing sociopathic anal hooker fuckers isn’t confidence anyone needs – ok maybe that’s a bad example…

A better example of the confidence you need to walk through life – is one in which you can pull off wearing white shorts with no fear that you’ll get your fucking period. Possibly because you’re too old for periods, possibly because you don’t eat so you don’t get your period, possibly because you’re from Brazil and build with male sex organs…but every junior high girl knows – the day you’re in the white shorts is the day that you’ll inevitably become a woman – so to be able go through life not giving a fuck about these childhood fears…like Alessandra Ambrosio is what all you fuckers need to be doing.

Inspiring.

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Mom Alessandra Ambrosio, who I like to pretend isn’t a mom, because it makes looking at her more tolerable, wore see through shorts to some Madrid Fashion Week event, shorts that I am partially excited to see come into trend, you know that all mom’s of two will wear, especially the ones in line at Walmart, because I am ready for that level of disgusting.

I guess if that doesn’t interest you…here are some pics of her in workout gear back in LA

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Alessandra Ambrosio is better when not posing with her kids, because I can just look at her model implants pretending that they haven’t been milk filled and sucked on by some lecherous vagina ruining assholes….

The pics are for Harper’s Australia, not quite as trashy as you’d expect if you’ve ever spent the night listening to a drunk Australian talk, but still rockin’ some Victoria’s Secret made cleavage that I guess people don’t think she’s too old to bother with….those people aren’t me…I’m all about the fresher meat, the newer model, the more eager, hungry, and poor…and desperate…who have already had a bit of rejection…so their confidence is shot…but maybe I’m just an opportunist..

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Alessandra Ambrosio is a model.

I like models.

I don’t really know what event she’s attending or leaving, I guess it doesn’t really matter, since I wasn’t invited to it, but more importantly, since she’s busting the fuck out of her top, like she’s rockin’ a pair of model implants, you know the smaller version of pornstar implants…and showing some leg…that since I like models…is pretty fucking distracting from anything else going on…like the fact that under that skirt is a vagina that shat out a couple kids. I try to ignore that…when other good things are going on..

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Alessandra Ambrosio was part of this Brazilian photoshoot that took place during the Worldcup, which I assume is the only time she goes back to Brazil, you know because she is contractually obliged to make an appearance for her people…and she took it to the streets, where she gutter ratchet – chola herself up…despite being totally so far removed from the streets of Brazil, that this is almost mocking all the poverty with her silly posing, living the glamourous millionaire model life…

I like how they threw the gutter kids in…nice touch.

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Alessandra Ambrosio bikini pictures are floating around the internet, not like they are anything you haven’t already seen before. She’s a bikini model who is still making huge money, but is also still past her prime, meaning that there are decades of bikini archive photos of her prior to these…more importantly, those pictures were probably better shot, and most importantly, pre-pregnancy…worth jerking off to even…

But the paparazzi ones of her with her kids frolicking around, even bent over enough for us to see her mound in white bikini bottoms that if wet, could be show us the window to her soul, a window that has severely been tampered with and broken into…is really only good for really lonely people who crave a wife and family…but never will have one…because they are jerking off to family vacation pics…and that’s fucking weird.

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Alessandra Ambrosio is winning the bikini model on vacation in a bikini game…at least when she posts pictures of herself either for the paparazzi or her instagram that involve her not with her two kids…but rather upside down in yoga poses…her body doing things I am tempted to join a yoga studio to watch other girls do…even knowing that they won’t look anything like Alessandra, but rather like a horrible sloppier interpretation of this…in what I can only imagine would be a room that smells like a giant fart…from all the queefs and farts I’v been told happen since vaginas and assholes aren’t built to tolerate these kinds of positions…and just kind of explode everywhere…which I guess is a fetish in and of itself…

You can hate yoga people for being all spiritual and annoying…but I like them for their ability to eat themselves out.

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It turns out that when I see Alessandra Ambrosio in a bikini, alone on the beach, showcasing her multi million dollar ass, that is designed or at least hired to do this by professional companies who know far more than us about what a bikini is supposed to look like on a girl…she’s amazing..

It’s when the kids and husband get thrown in where I get confused, not because I hate seeing babes happy with other men, it’s that I start thinking about how mangled her vagina is and that fucks everything up…

But when I don’t mention the kids, I don’t think about the mangled vag, and I take in the bikini like it is art…

Unfortunately, I mentioned the mangled vag, and now even in pics where there’s no evidence of mangled vag…all I’m thinking is mangled vag.

I really fucked this one up…

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Two kids. Happily married. Sounds fucking boring to me. More importantly. They seriously ruin a good bikini pic. It’s like I know she, along with Snooki – lose their tampons when not wearing panties to hold them in place. …you know some stretched out vagina shit that her amazing fucking body doesn’t really override…when all her pictures involve how in love and happy her family is.

There needs to be a clause in every bikini model’s contract that if they ever have kids, even though they shouldn’t until they retire, they can’t post pics of their kids or husbands or boyfriends on the internet – it fucks with the dudes trying to fantasize about them – because they have a wife of their own, they don’t need to jerk off to some other asshole’s wife or mom…she’s gotta pretend that it didn’t happen and doesn’t exist. It’s her job and why she gets paid.

Let’s stick to the half nakedness. I can’t imagine anyone wants to see this shit. Not wife’s because they will resent her body. Not husbands because we don’t like moms and kids.

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Bikini model, Alessandra Ambrosio, was in a bikini…posing with an inner tube and her kid while I was staring at her ass….

Partially because it is pretty amazing, but mainly because this is some supernatural shit that doesn’t make sense to me.

Her ass looks great, but kids always destroy a woman – both spiritually and more importantly physically – despite what they will tell you – because mom’s feel guilty about admitting their kids fucking suck, since they were shat out of their vaginas and that doesn’t work for their egos, especially not after ruining their lives for the unappreciative fuckers. But I’m sure their husbands can.

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