Here are your two favorite things, blonde chicks with vaginas and Star Wars shit you wish had a vagina, because you love it so much you’d fuck it all night long if it did. It would also make your unhealthy obsession and masturbation to it make more sense to your friends and family, because right now they are a little concerned at how weird it’s got, you know the whole walking around in costume and getting caught in bed with your Wookie glove on. At least with female genitals attached, there’d be some hope.
In the event you didn’t know, these celebrity sluts are not at the event because they like Star Wars as much as you and they are not these super cool dreamgirls and I’m not talking Jennifer Hudson Dreamgirls, I’m talking chicks you can share Star Wars fantasies with and who will never get bored no matter how many hundreds of times you try to throw a Star Wars marathon in your mom’s basement. These girls will judge you based on the fact that you reenact the trilogy in front of the mirror in full costume, since along with pretty much every girl in the world, don’t get the appeal, it actually creeps them out and makes them want to exit any conversation you try to have with them the second you bring up anything socially awkward, virginal and Sci-Fi, like Star Wars. These girls are only at the event because they are getting paid.
But that doesn’t mean this photo-op is any less pornographic to you and your weird ways, because you don’t have to believe they don’t give a shit about nerds and Star Wars and shit, since they’ll never tell you that to your face, because you will never meet them, so let these pictures do whatever it is they do to you, imagine you getting manhandled by a furry creature, or even imagine that you were that fuckin’ furry creature, since they are just fucking pictures.
Either way, I guess this movie is finally coming out so you can finally feel like your life work and passion is validated, but realize that the whole point of it is to make fun of people like you and for the people who are already laughing at you, to laugh harder….
I feel like this is my second public service to socially awkward, sexually frustrated, weirdos. I should be treated like a god by you people. Raise a fucking statue in my honor or something already.
Here’s Kristen Bell….
And Jaime King….