I was trying to start up a paparazzi agency this morning and realized that I could never pull it off. I’ve been to LA before and when there I never ran into any celebrities on the street and I didn’t see any paparazzi, nipple slips, upskirts or bikini pictures either. I figure that the only way these fuckers land pictures of the celebrity is because they are hired by the celebrity take them and since I am pretty much a nobody, there’s no way I’ll be getting calls from publicists to show up at celebrity backyards with photo equipment that I use to make look like I was hiding in the hedge to snap off the pics of them smoking in their bikinis or cuddling up to another celebrity in some staged bullshit that they want to make look as real as possible so that people start talking about them in a positive light again.

I could be wrong but that’s the only explanation I have for Mischa’s dumpy body lookin’ a whole lot less dumpy and her chillin’ on the beach in a bikini that was just happened to be caught by a photographer looks more posed than my family portrait we got done at Sears in 1995 and that hangs proudly over the hole in the wall that would have been a fireplace if my shitty apartment wasn’t a crack den.

Get a bitch in a bikini and it’ll make us all forget about her negative press because we are fuckin’ cavemen and the smell of a half naked bitch makes us forget how fuckin’ useless she is.

To prove my point that this shit’s been lit, photoshopped and taken at a better than good angle, I’m talking miracle angle that I need to have any pictures of me taken from to make me look less like a homeless person who’s been dumpster diving outside McDonald’s the last 15 years for 18 hours a day scraping up the equivalet of 30 Big Macs a day and more like some good lookin’ male model that I feel I am on the inside, look at these pics of her fat fuckin’ ass and cellulite from the other day

Posted in:Bikini|Mischa Barton