First of all, lets start off by setting some ground rules. If you are looking to go out on a weekend and pick up some drunken slut, then this guide isn’t for you. Anybody with half a brain, deodorant, and enough money for beer can get laid on a weekend. This is a guide for getting the girl you actually WANT to fuck. Hopefully you have already made contact with said female, maybe you have even gone on a date or two, if so, this guide will help you seal the deal (in under a week). As we all know, there is an infinite amount of “guide to getting women” type of editorials out there, some work, most don’t. This guide is based purely on self-experiences…and successes, with a bit of self-input and common sense it will work for you too. Enjoy.

Guide To Getting Laid – After The Jump

Step 1: Pay Attention To Everything!

… No Matter how boring she is. When you first start dealing with a girl you are both on the same level; same general interest in each other, same common goals. The only difference is that you’re the guy, you want to fuck her, and she knows that. If this was a game (which it is) the score is already 1- 0 at kickoff. That’s where paying attention comes into play. If she mentions a restaurant she likes, mothers name, hometown…whatever! Remember it! Girls like to throw in little pieces of information and ask you again later, if you remember it, point for you, if you forget…point for her. My best friend (and co founder of Team Fuck) was on a date with a girl one time when she mentioned she liked a certain type of flower, the motherfucker made a note of that shit in his phone, just so he would remember! Of course this could go the other way too; if the girl hates flowers because she’s sensitive to all things living and doesn’t like when they die like the useless little plant they are (sorry, I’m bitter)…remember that too.

Step 2: Learn Her Mannerisms

This one can be tricky because women are more indecisive then Jesus Martinez at a cattle auction. You can find a list of women’s positive mannerisms all over the Internet, but there’s only a few that are really easy to notice. For one, if she crosses her legs towards you it’s a good sign, it shows that she is comfortable and open with you. If she leans away and farts, it’s probably not good. Touching is also something to pay attention too, if she puts a hand on your arm after you make a joke, that’s another good sign. If she is rubbing your cock in the middle of the street, then maybe you should be writing this guide. A lot of these things depend on the girls personality and how well you know each other, if you have been friends prior it can be hard to tell when she’s being friendly and when she’s being flirty. With a little common sense it shouldn’t take long to figure out.

Step 3: Break the tension

You both know what the deal is, so instead of trying to hide it, casually let her know that you know she knows (got that?). Say something like “I like that I can be cool with you, I don’t always have to think about what to say”. Boom! In one sentence you let her know that A: things feel good, B: you know how the game is played, C: she’s better than most of your other dates and D: your not making everything up. Which leads me to step 4…

Step 4: Make everything up

Well not really, but at least think ahead, awkward silence is the WORST. You should always have a few questions or topics up your sleeve, just incase. Keep the topic on her, act interested, and make sure it’s not a stupid “come here often?” kind of question. I usually ask questions about her education or interests (because you remembered, right?). A good example would be “So you went to school for cinema right? What’s your favorite movie?” If you already planted Step 3 She’ll think you care, and not just pulling a question from the list in your pocket, it also keeps it open and leads to conversation. Stay away from yes or no questions and questions about her physical attributes, she may be self-conscious and will know that you’ve noticed.

Step 5: When’s and Where’s

There’s a time and place for everything. If you on a dinner date which seems to be going well, ALWAYS pick up the tab. If she’s not a wallet watching gold digger she will argue with you or offer to pay half. Handle this situation with care! Say something like “It’s alright, you get it next time”. If she’s into you she’ll let off, knowing that there is going to be a “next time”. Now, if she is persistent in paying the bill, it can mean a number of things; either she’s not into you at all and doesn’t want to owe you anything, she’s a control freak, or knows your broke. None of which are good. However, if you have had several dates prior and paid for everything, it may be a good idea to let her pay for it. Women like to know that they can hold their own, they don’t like being dependant on men, which is good, cause we don’t like payin’ for shit.

Step 5: Seal the deal

When the date is coming to its end, it gets awkward again; It’s inevitable, so just be prepared. This is probably the first time both of you have had to make a heavy decision, and there’s no real smooth way to go about doing it. Hopefully by now you have a pretty good idea of how she’s feeling towards you and you already know you wanna lay pipe, so step up to the plate playa, or its hand ball for the rest of the night. The first thing you’ve got to decide is it gunna be your place or hers. Usually it’s whoever lives closest, but if you place is a complete disaster and you know for a fact it smells like rotting flesh, then offer to walk her home. If it’s a cab ride away, then tell her you’ll split the cab with her. If she declines, then you know it’s a no go, if she accepts, then you’re in…almost. Once you catch a cab it’s a race against time, keep up the conversation and make hints at your destination. If it’s her place then say something like, “are you still in the same neighborhood?” or “is your roommate still pissing you off?” Keep it general and not too obvious, but obvious enough that your thinking about her house and not yours. If she asks you to come in, then the rest is up to you. I can only tell you so much with out ruining for my self. Is she sends you on your way, tell the cabbie to take you the nearest club. ‘Cause when in doubt, there’s always, ALWAYS drunk sluts. Always.

Now before you fuckers start getting excited you should know that this is based on my personal experience and, obviously, my personality. If you want to be the funny guy that chicks fuck because they feel sorry for you, that’s cool. If you’re the complete meathead that girls fuck because they just broke up with their boyfriend and want to get back at him in the worst way possible…that’s cool too. If you’re a bling-bling-balla-baby that can pretty much buy pussy, fuck you; go buy some ice, flossy. But for all you regular guys just looking for some decent pussy, follow those steps while wearing a Team Fuck shirt that says, “I love pussy”. It may, or may not be the best idea, but at least you’ll look cool while failing miserably. However, survey says chicks dig the Fuck. So fuck on, fuckers. I know this has been a brief overview, but I hate writing as much as you hate reading. If you have anymore questions, email: teamfu.k@gmail.com . If this guide works for you, let us know, and we’ll send you that t-shirt!

_S

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