If Lohan was a hooker, you know she would be the kind that you find in the back alley drinking out of a muddy puddle. She would smell like a rotting corpse and her teeth would be falling out. The fact that this bitch has money to take care of herself makes all the difference, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s on some kind of self-destructive mission. If Lohan was a whore, this is how I would suggest you get free sex from her:

Get her to a safe haven, either a hotel room, if you can afford one (rich kid) or a quiet alley, tell her straight up that you are going to hook her up with some rock. She will go for it and give’r, however I like to take this shit to the next level and by next level I don’t mean condomless, I was never into risk, I mean get her a little more than high, session that bitch until she overdoses, then fuck her before she starts to lose consciousness, or while she’s convulsing. Just pretend she’s dancing. Not getting paid by you will be the least of her worries if she lives. Get up, walk away, and you my friend just had sex with a hooker without paying. I am not sure if that made sense, I kinda ripped it off an article I wrote that never got published.

Bonus: Lohan in Red

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