So everyone is writing about this Jessica Simpson promoting beer to help relate to the common country folk she’s trying to seduce with this whole new country image because she realizes being a tired popstar isn’t as lucrative as being the next Dolly Parton, when we all know that Jessica Simpson’s drug of choice is poppin’ diet pills because she just wants to be skinny enough for someone to marry her and have babies with her so that she can be like her little sister.

I also think it’s funny that she went with a beer named Stampede to further solidfy just how country she is, because nothing says I jerk off bulls in my spare time and sell their sperm like a beer called Stamede. I hear her next move in getting in with the hicks is to sell her luxury cars and start riding a horse everywhere she goes.

And the real joke in all this is that the beer is charged with Vitamins, like some kind of snake oil Hollywood Atkins Low Carb bullshit to make drinking beer more guilt-free, when the truth is that beer is the reason I am pushing 300 pounds, it is the gateway drink to full blown alcoholism and is more fattening that drinking a fuckin’ milkshake, so whether shit’s got vitamins in it or not, or you piss fluorescent yellow or not, before long you’ll be headed to the hard stuff because none of your pants fit anymore, and drunk on whiskey happens faster than drunk on beer, making not wearing pants in public feel like it’s ok.

This is her quote featured in the ad and written by her dad because he jumps and any chance he gets to write about Jessica drunk and tight bodied…unfortunately a body they kept cover up to seduce the conservative backwoods people she wants to sell albums to. It’s all part of the master plan.

I work out and take care of myself. But I also like a cold beer once in a while. That’s why I made a smart choice with a smart beer. Stampede Light, it’s beer plus.

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