If you’re wondering how Mischa Barton keeps her luxurious legs and by luxurious I mean sloppy as fuck, which may have been a sign of wealth in a time of famine and poverty (no, not last week), here’s your answer, Beer. Beer is also the way I keep my appealing figure, and by appealing I mean fat and really only appealing to my neighbor who thinks he was a hot air balloon operator because he is crazy and I remind him of a time when his craft was relevant as he tries to figure out a way to paint a pattern on my stomach and tie a basket to my legs and have me carry him into the sky, which always ends up in me calling the police or filing complaints with my landlord….

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