I don’t hate fat chicks, I make fat chicks. Over my lifetime, every single girl I have dated has gained weight. They have also managed to muster up the courage to leave me for other dudes after giving up on sex with me, but at least I know that as they try to starve off the weight they gained, that I made a difference in their life.

My wife holds the championship title of weight gain while giving her heart and by heart I mean large list of annoying issues and hangups that managed to surface about 3 months after I entered her life and she felt I was worthy of listening to all her fucking baggage and complaints and has also managed to put on 100 pounds from emotional eating, because I figure you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves, so to shut her up I just give her pizza.

Point of all this is to say that when I rip into celebrities for being pigs, I don’t mean anything bad from it, sure there’s cellulite and dumpy asses and giving girls the wrong idea that fat can be hot but with cellulite and dumpy ass there is really only hope for hot fat tits and sometimes, fat tits don’t mean really huge nipples that aim to the ground, but usually they do, so girls if you’re out there, starve yourself.

Posted in:Bikini|Katherine Heigl