Here are some pictures that were sent in yesterday by one of my readers. I assume he is the one who took the pics because they are shitty cellphone quality, but then I remembered that my readers are useless virgins who don’t really leave the house, unless it’s to go buy new computer parts or videogames….with the occasional stop off at McDonald’s for a Milkshake. Rumor has it that they bring all the boys to the yard…

Speaking of boys in the yard, I went down to my mailbox yesterday afternoon to see if anyone sent me any Christmas cards that would bring me Christmas Cheer in this time of Christmas Miracles, and there were none, but there was a Christmas Miracle that came in the form of a check for 27 dollars addressed to me. I am not sure where it came from, I can only assume it was from one of the porn companies I linked but I did know that it was going to fund my Stepfather Christmas party, even though I don’t have a company, just a shitty website that only I work for….The reason I decided to have a Christmas party was to celebrate the victory of this site while getting wasted, but my 27 dollar budget wasn’t going to take me as far as other Christmas parties do, like sipping vintage whiskey with my boss while he’s getting a blowjob from the hot new sales rep. So I bought 2 cheap bottles of wine for drinks, a box of donuts for food and a cheap cigar for entertainment. I sat on a park bench in the cold alone, passed out half way through the second bottle and woke up to find 2 homeless guys drinking my wine and eating my donuts…I tried to get them to sing Christmas Carols with me, but they were too insane to understand what I was saying, so I went home to my wife who stank like shit. It may not have been as glamorous as it could have been but it was a fucking Christmas Miracle nevertheless and I can only hope it gets better from here…

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These are some pics of Alley Bagget, a Playboy model posing for Christmas in some Fuzzy Lingerie….to bring the Holiday Spirit to you and yours…

My Necro Post got linked up on a couple sites and got back to Necro, because he’s one of those accessible rappers, who probably doesn’t actually make money off his shitty music…It turns out that he’s not into being criticized this is what he wrote:

I AINT A FAT DUDE AND MY MUSIC DOESNT GET OLD FAST
GET OF RID THAT SHIT AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT AN INTERVIEW
REMEMBER I PUNCHED THAT KID IN THE FACE IN THE FRONT ROW
TALK ABOUT THAT

Anyone who reads this site knows that that Necro Post was weak. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone emotionally eat more than they already do. He writes lyrics about how hard and how sadistic he is but dude can’t take some fat mexican dude with a shitty website calling him fat. I guess it’s really not hard to pretend you’re a crazed sex and porn deviant or whatever he actually raps about because I haven’t heard any of his music in 5 years. So I wrote this to him:

i am not trying to start beef, i am probably the biggest push you’ve got in a while. 25,000 people saw that shitty video. I wasn’t at your show, and your music gets old after I hear the same song for 7 years, but no beef…although that’s what you’re probably hoping for…fatty.

let’s get that interview

with love

jesus martinez
drunkenstepfather.com

And He Wrote…

WHY R U LISTENING TO THE SAME SONG FOR 7 YEARS??
I DROPPED 3 NEW ALBUMS ON MY LABEL IN 2005
5 NEW ALBUMS IN 2004
WHAT THE FUCK R U TALKING ABOUT?

Tough guy who writes in CAPS and sings about rape, murder, anal in fishnets, pussylips and being addicted to his dick is really. I figured having the ability to write line after line of smut that make no sense but rhymes would give him a sense of humor. When Herschel realizes that sucking on fat chicks in Montreal doesn’t make you “hard” or “vulgar” or “sadistic”, luring insecure girls on stage, who like to fuck anyone, isn’t a talent, DJs at the local bar have been doing the same thing for years, even the dude at my videostore gets pussy cuz he doesn’t charge bitches a late fee…

Since the new me is positive and optimistic, I would like to give Necro the love he deserves for being in the game for such a long time and still performing, I’d like to also that he has a great way with words, and rhymes a lot better than I ever could.

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I am watching my daily stories because that’s what lazy Mexicans do when they don’t have jobs or cable, I am not sure which one this is because I don’t actually watch this shit, but Rose from Golden Girls is on the show. I always wondered what happened to Rose, she was the only hot Golden Girl, only because she was stupid and stupid girls are easy….either way, now I know where she is and I am not a better person for it. I was talking to my Lawyer a couple of days ago and he was trying to convince me to date elderly women. I think his wife is in her 60s and she always has cookies made when I go over there for drinks. It’s really my only escape from the hell that is my family life and it’s free booze. He suggested I join a Bingo club, or a Bridge club or a volunteer at an old folks home, because lonely widows with Alzheimers are easy and generally have low expectations. I figured since I am married, if I am going to cheat on my wife, it’s not going to be with somebody’s grandma no matter how good her cookies are….

Speaking of old lady cookies, here are some pics of….Shelley Long in her underwear from some old fucking movie. It’s not the latest or the greatest but positive me says that these pics are awesome….

Get the Video Here

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This is one of the Good Charlotte twin’s girlfriend, not the Good Charlotte who slammed the Duffgusting sister and Nicole Richie, the other one. The fact that I even know this much about these people is embarrassing enough, so I am not going to start dropping names to retain the little level of dignity I still have….Either way, Santa must be rubbing her the right way cuz her nipples are hard…

I have been getting told that I am too negative lately. I don’t find much funny and I constantly dis celebrities and hipsters. So when people I know bring up shit like American Apparel, Vice Magazine, Last Nights Party or start sending me stupid clips from stupid people doing stupid happy dances, I tell the to shut the fuck up because I find it all lame. I don’t think that makes me lame but I decided that for my sanity, I am going to start looking at the brighter side of things, because I do believe negativity is poison, maybe not as poisonous as American Apparel, Vice Magazine, Last Nights Party or videos of people doing happy dances, but poison never the less.

From now on – I am happy and optimistic and I won’t dwell on how life has wronged me, but embrace all the good things that have happened….like the time I got a blowjob in a movie theater I snuck into a few years ago by some random college girl….so get ready for a happy site. It’s a Christmas Miracle.

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I feel bad for the general public. I was just watching the news and they showed a youtube video of someone’s reaction of Life Magazine’s You are the Person of the Year Cover…Either way she was doing a happy dance, and the reason I feel bad for the general public is because they find the happy dance funny. There’s nothing funny about the happy dance or anything funny about these links….

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Here are some pics of Lohan at Teddy’s on Saturday, eating pretzels cuz she’s fatter than ever and fat ppl love pretzels, it’s a fact.

I don’t really give a fuck about all this celebrity shit, it’s actually depressing to me. I wrote about how I went from site to site yesterday for the first time in months and everyone is writing the same fucking thing. It’s dull as fucking shit and I don’t realize how they get traffic, but they get fucking traffic, a lot more than I do. So I start reading some of their blurbs and I realize that these fuckers have no fucking talent. They just know how to design and promote a website with people who are equally lame as they are. So instead of getting myself down over it, I realized that the perfect analogy for the internet and me is that I am like the cool kid with a cigarette in hand and a leather jacket in a 1950’s varsity party. Point of all this is to say that the leather jacket always wins.

Speaking of winning, Insider 16 Year Old Hipster Gives Her Version of the Night at Teddy’s with Lohan, Like How Illegal Shit Went Down At Paris Hilton’s Sex Tape Co-Star’s House Between Lohan and Others. I was thinking the Illegal shit she was referencing was getting fucked since she’s underage but I am sure it’s more drug related than that ….Find Out More at Her 16 Year Old Homeless Lookin’ Girl Blog GO

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Here are some pics of Lohan at Teddy’s on Saturday, eating pretzels cuz she’s fatter than ever and fat ppl love pretzels, it’s a fact.

I don’t really give a fuck about all this celebrity shit, it’s actually depressing to me. I wrote about how I went from site to site yesterday for the first time in months and everyone is writing the same fucking thing. It’s dull as fucking shit and I don’t realize how they get traffic, but they get fucking traffic, a lot more than I do. So I start reading some of their blurbs and I realize that these fuckers have no fucking talent. They just know how to design and promote a website with people who are equally lame as they are. So instead of getting myself down over it, I realized that the perfect analogy for the internet and me is that I am like the cool kid with a cigarette in hand and a leather jacket in a 1950’s varsity party. Point of all this is to say that the leather jacket always wins.

Speaking of winning, Insider 16 Year Old Hipster Gives Her Version of the Night at Teddy’s with Lohan, Like How Illegal Shit Went Down At Paris Hilton’s Sex Tape Co-Star’s House Between Lohan and Others. I was thinking the Illegal shit she was referencing was getting fucked since she’s underage but I am sure it’s more drug related than that ….Find Out More at Her 16 Year Old Homeless Lookin’ Girl Blog GO

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Remember Kelly Osborne? She was spotted, and by spotted I mean HARD TO MISS at some movie premiere in the UK yesterday. She’s obviously in the Christmas spirit, cuz she looks just like Grimace at the Lafayette Christmas Parade.

Speaking of eggplant colored has beens….Wesley Snipes did some Press Conference about being released for a 1,000,000 bail bond because of tax evasion. I once spent a night with with Wesley Snipes about 5 years ago at a bar in Montreal. I have probably written this story on this site before but I forget. I do know that everyone I know hates me for this story because it was my default dinner party story, and by dinner party I mean drunk in the park with a bag of chips talking to the pigeons.

This is how it went down….or at least how I remember it going down….

I walked into a bar wasted. A friend tells me Wesley Snipes is there. I look over to the bar and see a short dude dressed like a pimp, with a cane and pimp hat and 3-piece suit. I walk up to him and start chatting him up, I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember telling him that he is going to make me a lot of money and that I had a plan for him. I went on to mock him to his face about his talent by telling him that he should have won an Academy Award for Passenger 57 and after about an hour of my abuse he told me to get the fuck away from him or he’d break me or some shit. I remember telling him he should come back to that bar and visit again and he said something about how he could own the whole block if he wanted. Either way, dude left a bad taste in my mouth and a couple years later I heard he was going bankrupt and smiled, like he got what he deserved for being a dick with me.

Last week, I found out he got arrested for tax fraud, and it seems like people always get what they deserve, which is nice to see. He should have listened to me back then, I could have prevented all this with some of my genius ideas, instead he just threatened me. Merry Christmas, Asshole.

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I posted a picture in my stepLINKS yesterday and I got this email:

Hello,
You do not know me. However, you have a picture of myself on the main page of your website. Two girls in pink underwear… i’m sure you know the one.

I strongly suggest that you take this photo down, or I will be seeking legal action. My lawyer will be in contact to ensure that this photo is removed from your site promptly. I have contacted my lawyer, and the police. I suggest you get a life. You chose the wrong picture to use this time.

Thank you,

Carly T.

I was going to send this to her:

Good luck pressing charges you idiot.
Maybe you shouldn’t put pics of your fat ass on the internet for people like me to find…

Keep that shit on your fucking computer and don’t make it public domain, no one wants to see your cellulite ridden thighs anyway, except for maybe your boyfriend, who is probably some kind of virgin and you’re the only pussy being thrown his way.

No offense.

But realized that it is Christmas and I’ve also decided to be a little more sensitive to people’s feelings, because I believe in the Christmas Miracle. I just took the pic off. I don’t think that means that my comedy is going soft here, I’ve been soft for 3 years…and that pisses my wife off but I consider my impotency a Christmas Miracle too, because having a valid excuse to not stick it in her 300 pound, 4 week old bean burrito smelling parcel is like a little piece of heaven….

Here are some pics of Mariah Carey that were used in her xmas card.

If you want to get in the Holiday mood, listen to my Lawyer’s Holiday Mix HERE

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I posted a picture in my stepLINKS yesterday and I got this email:

Hello,
You do not know me. However, you have a picture of myself on the main page of your website. Two girls in pink underwear… i’m sure you know the one.

I strongly suggest that you take this photo down, or I will be seeking legal action. My lawyer will be in contact to ensure that this photo is removed from your site promptly. I have contacted my lawyer, and the police. I suggest you get a life. You chose the wrong picture to use this time.

Thank you,

Carly T.

I was going to send this to her:

Good luck pressing charges you idiot.
Maybe you shouldn’t put pics of your fat ass on the internet for people like me to find…

Keep that shit on your fucking computer and don’t make it public domain, no one wants to see your cellulite ridden thighs anyway, except for maybe your boyfriend, who is probably some kind of virgin and you’re the only pussy being thrown his way.

No offense.

But realized that it is Christmas and I’ve also decided to be a little more sensitive to people’s feelings, because I believe in the Christmas Miracle. I just took the pic off. I don’t think that means that my comedy is going soft here, I’ve been soft for 3 years…and that pisses my wife off but I consider my impotency a Christmas Miracle too, because having a valid excuse to not stick it in her 300 pound, 4 week old bean burrito smelling parcel is like a little piece of heaven….

Here are some pics of Mariah Carey that were used in her xmas card.

If you want to get in the Holiday mood, listen to my Lawyer’s Holiday Mix HERE

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