I was away from the computer for the last 2 days and being on the computer is pretty much all that I do, so not being on the computer kinda fucked with my head. I didn’t know what to do with myself so I decided to text message Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton because a little lesbian birdie emailed me their contact info a few months ago.

This is what I wrote:

I just watched Jessica Simpson’s pro activ ad. She is such a useless slag. She reads at the grade 4 level and that kinda turns me on. Is Grade 4 when daddy pulled her out of school to suck his mic and by mic I mean penis. Brenda, being unemployed makes me realize I love you.

There was no response so I decided to step up my game.

Brenda, I forgot to tell you that I had a chance to see my doctor about the growth on my penis. Turns out it is only a genital wart. Actually, it’s about 12 warts bundled together. They will be gone by the time I come visit. Hope you’ve been doing your kegals.

Still no response, so I messaged Stavros.

Give me your email. I want to interview you via email. Thanks.

His response:

Who is this.

And I wrote….

This is Perez, Just 5 questions via email.

And then Nicole RIchie’s came in…

WTF are you talking about? This is not Brenda and loose the number u looser.

And I wrote

Brenda, we’ve gone through this so many times. Why do you always pretend to be someone else. It is annoying. Good job spelling loser wrong. Genius way to trick me. Speaking of trick, remember that halloween you dressed like Geordie Laforge? Loose this Number Looser. 🙂

She Wrote….

Get a Life Dear

I wrote….

A loved one is on her death bed. I am waiting for my bus home. Texting you is my life right now. My computer hates me. You telling me to get a life is tired, you can do better than that. I can only assume that you are mad about the genital warts. It’s not like I gave them to you. Stop pickin’ a fight and smile. Asshole.

and then…

PS – I am wearing the mexcellent ironic tee you gave me for my bday last year and it is all I dreamt it would be…

She wrote…

If u are this obsessed with me you should join my fanclub. By the way your number will be blocked from reaching this number by the end of today

and…

You’ve officially ruined it for yourself

So I wrote…

Ruined what? What is your fan club? I guess we aren’t going on our red lobster date.

Then I wrote…

I guess since you are blocking me, I will need to get in as much text as possible. I am not obsessed with anything except maybe not eating. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.

Then I wrote…

Why do you have a fan club and how do I sign up? Do I get a pair of your panties (dirty)? If so, I am down with brown and by brown I mean your dad. I just called to say I love you and shit…

Then I wrote…

Our date is off. Fatty.

Last message sent was:

I am not scared of you or your threats, I am scared of your anorexic and sharp elbows. But they are not as sharp as the heroin needle your mom used to spike into her arm after getting knocked up by shitty drummers after sneaking backstage at concerts back in ’80. Cuddles you fucking cunt.

PS – I know I am fucking amazing. Cuddles.

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I got nothing to say about this, other than that I really don’t like stalking Lohan and I am just doing it for laughs and because I have already come this far….I am not going to get into the reasons why I don’t like stalking Lohan but I will say that if she ever does sue me or get a restraining order against me this site will become famous. If I was Chinese, I’d go by the Name Wong Lee. Remember that.

Pics Graciously Supplied By X17Online.com

Watch it here if Youtube is fucked GO

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Friday is my Lohan Stalker Day, and I fucked up today, because I haven’t stalked her yet. I am still getting back into this whole bloggin’ thing after last weeks loss. I forgot to do the one thing I know I am supposed to do. I am thinking that I will do it later on today. I am late right now but wanted to get these pics up, because slut looks like she’s happy, and there is nothing better than seeing her happy now and comparing her happiness now with the misery we know she will face in the next 3-5 years when she either washes up or dies. I am here to embrace all ups and downs in this whore’s career and today she’s all smiles and giggles. I guess she doesn’t realize the dude from Hard Rock gave her hooker AIDs. I hear it takes 6-8 weeks to find that shit out.

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Lohan is a slut and I am okay with that – because I don’t actually find her hot or have any interest in seeing her naked. I just figured if I put my energy into one actress and emailed her friends and family, I’d get her attention. Well, I did get the attention of someone with her number, but I have a feeling it isn’t even hers but I am going to continue the Stalker posts because they give this site meaning and because I still think I can get a blow job from her. I hope this lack of interest doesn’t take away from the whole stalker experience. Cuddles.

Bonus GQ Scans

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I have Lohan’s phone number and I am not making this shit public cuz I am an asshol to you like that. I guess this is part of the reason why I am the best motherfucker on the Internet and why I should have more fans and money than I have, so help me by telling your friends. The real joke is that I don’t even really like Lohan, I just figured the Lohan Stalker posts were going to be my ticket to the top. I have a feeling it won’t be, but at least stalking is funny.

This is next level stalker and I will let you know if I get arrested, again. Cuddles.

Update – Some Pics from the Beach

Update – My Speckled Trout in a Bikini

NEW LOHAN PICS

And The Lohan Tit Grab Bikini Pics For You To Jerk Off To…

MORE STALKER POSTS HERE

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I can’t really stop this Lohan Stalker movement. I guess this is the reason I was never invited to parties when I was younger. I emailed Diddy, I won’t make his email address public, but if you want it email me. Here we go:

Dear Diddy,

I don’t know whether you know who I am or not, but I do know who you are. I read somewhere that you kicked Lohan out of your party for fighting with that cunt Paris Hilton. I call her “that cunt”, because not only is she a vile and rude used-condom of a person, but also because “that cunt’s” seen a whole lot more penis than the urinal at my local truck stop.

I’d still bang Paris without a condom after she got her HIV positive results, but that’s just a strategic business decision…..

I should be mad at you for the way you handled Lohan the other night because I am connected to Lohan at the soul. But the fact is that bitch doesn’t know I exist, and has NEVER reached out to me, not even to ask me to stop stalking her.

What I am asking of you is simple, lure Lohan into your hotel room, pretend it’s some kind of apology meeting. Get her to get naked, take a couple of pictures, steal a pair of her panties, fuck her if you want, whisper my name in her ear and when it’s all said and done, send her on her way. Go through the trash, pick up all things she touched, including (especially) used kleenex/toilet paper and wine glasses she’s drinked out of. Put it all in a box (along with the pics) and mail it up to me for masturbation purposes.

If this seems too complicated, you could always just give me her number/email/ home address but be sure to let her know that Jesus Martinez is stalking her.

I know her birthday is coming up, is there anyway you can get me in that party?

I appreciate all your help and look forward to your response, if you’re up in Montreal this weekend for the Race Cars, feel free to take me out for dinner/drinks to further discuss my proposal.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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My word of wisdom for the day is that if you dress the kitchen garbage in a Chanel Dress, it’s still kitchen garbage. That came to me while watching that cunt Paris Hilton’s new music video last night, obviously written before her sex tape cuz she drops a line like “I’ll show you mine if you’re lucky” or some shit….(I guess I shouldn’t have used quotation marks on that one). I am pretty sure any of the cock she’s landing has already seen her useless sex tape, but that’s not the point. The point is that I am still stalking Lohan and I haven’t heard back from any of the people I have been emailing. I am number 1 google result for Lohan Stalker. Now the only thiong that will stop me is the law.

Today, I emailed Bruce Willis…

Dear Bruce,

While reading the gossip pages last week, I learnt that you recently left Lohan a message about how gorgeous you think she is. I know that prior to this message you have spent a night with her in your hotel room on at least one occasion.

I want you to know that I am not mad at you for running after my girlfriend, mainly because I have never met you, but also, Lohan doesn’t really know that she is involved with me because we have yet to meet. I can however, state with confidence, that I know it’s destiny and that we are connected at the soul.

The reason I am emailing you is because I want to ask you a favor. The next time you bang her, or have her in your mouth, can you please think about me and possibly whisper my name in her ear.

It is really only fair, considering I have already “cum hard with a vengeance” while making love to Lohan Bikini Pics of the day while reruns of Moonlighting were on in the other room….

I guess that technically means we’ve already had a threesome, and it was probably the best sex I have ever had, I’d like to thank you for being a part of it and hope we can do it again, only next time while double penetrating the real LOHAN. I’ll let you give me a high five, but no lookin’ at my dick. Homo.

If you’d rather I tell Lohan about my deep rooted love for her, please feel free to give me her phone number/email address.

Thanks for your time,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

I never said they’d all be funny, asshole. This is about love not comedy. Cuddles.

Last Week Lohan:

DJing:

Lunching:

Walking:

Lohan Seventeen Magazine Shoot (shit quality)

Previous Stalking on Stepfather:

Lohan Stalker Post 13
Lohan Stalker Post 12
Lohan Stalker Post 11
Lohan Stalker Post 10
Lohan Stalker Post 9
Lohan Stalker Post 8
Lohan Stalker Post 7
Lohan Stalker Post 6
Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

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A little cocaine never hurt anyone, errr wait…..I know a few people who died cuz of it, but that’s not the point. The point is that whether she’s ripping lines or not I am still gonna be stalking her. I also think people need to stop calling her Blohan because it’s about as funny as anything else Trerez Pink Hilton have come up with, which is not very…funny…I fucked that one up.

I am officially the first result for “Lohan Stalker” on Google, and that means I am one step closer to prison/restraining orders/etc.

I just remembered a funny story I was saving for my first appearance on Letterman about how I got my first restraining order in grade 6 for calling the girl I had a crush on a cunt, repeatedly. I also spat sunflower seeds on her. The school wanted to kick me out, but my Baptist parents ran some kind of line about how I was a troubled soul that needed to feel accepted to better fit into society or some shit. So they let me stay, but I had to stay 25 feet from her at all times. So Monday morning, my desk was moved to other side of the classroom.

Looking back on that story, I realize, I was made for this shit.

I decided to email the founding partners of Endeavor LA, Lohan’s Agency. So here’s what I had to say to them:

Dear Founders of Endeavor LA,

Lindsay Lohan and I are separated at the soul. I have recently discovered that your company represents her and figured you may be the best people to contact in regards to getting her back into my arms. The problems is simple, she doesn’t know I exist.

Now, I know you are BUSY people, so I am going to keep this short and to the point.

How much would it cost to book Lohan to host an event I will be organizing in Montreal Canada?

This said event will take place at the local Subway Restaurant, where we will share a 6 inch sandwich, because I figure I will be on a budget after hiring Lohan for the evening and that she doesn’t eat all that much. We will then take public transportation to a motel that charges by the hour for a soak in the heart shaped Jacuzzi.

I always knew that my first night with Lohan would be magical, but never as magical as what I just outlined, and I guess the exciting thing is that she can’t say no as it will be a paying job.

I am not implying that Lohan is a common whore, as she is the woman for me. I would never call my woman a whore, unless she was actually a whore, working to make money for baby formula (which would never really be an issue as I am impotent, unless it was someone else’s baby…)

I am so excited by this recent development in my relationship with Lohan, it’s like I can taste her already. You will see it is worth your effort, because I complete Lohan and will put an end to her wild ways (except for in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. WINK WINK)

I eagerly await your response. If it would be best for me to make the arrangements directly with Lohan, feel free to send her contact info my way.

Forever grateful,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Bonus – A couple Close Upskirts from the Other Day

Another Bonus: Lohan with Some Kind of Trerez Lookin’ Motherfucker….

Another Bonus: Lohan at Barney’s

Previously on Stepfather

Lohan Stalker Post 12
Lohan Stalker Post 11
Lohan Stalker Post 10
Lohan Stalker Post 9
Lohan Stalker Post 8
Lohan Stalker Post 7
Lohan Stalker Post 6
Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

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So after reading that McFly wrote a song about Lohan because the drummer banged her, I decided to write to their myspace page for my stalker post. Now I know that they don’t actually read it, but I figured it would work for the sake of the “Stalker Post Series” and I guess since it is my site I get to make these kinds of decisions. The following message is one of the weirdest ones to date…possibly the best. Hope ya’ll enjoy. I like to call this – One Step Closer to Prison.

Dear McFly – More Specifically McFly Drummer,

It has come to my attention that my soul mate Lohan has been having a little fun on the side with your drummer. I wanted to let you know that I forgive you. I know you probably didn’t know I was WITH Lohan, mainly because Lohan doesn’t know I exist, yet. But I still wanted to be the bigger man and let you know that I am holding nothing against you.

I have been making an effort to be as involved as I can be in her life. It’s a bit of a challenge making things work out, mainly because I am in Canada and my parole officer won’t let me leave the country. It makes it so hard to be around her in person, so I do it over the internet. I am hoping that the messages I send to her friends and associates will eventually get back to her.

I am writing you to also know that in my efforts to be as involved in my soul mate’s life as I can, I have been finding myself masturbating to images of the men she has had relations with. I feel sex is something to rejoice and not hold negative feelings towards, so instead of wanting those men dead for tarnishing her womb with their semen, I have orgasms with them, in my mind.

While masturbating to your drummer, I listen to your latest album (I went out and bought 2 in case one got scratched, hope it helps you go platinum). I think about the things that he did to her naked body, I think about her smell, her touch, the bead of sweat dripping down her brow. I think about me and Lohan and I think about him having his way with her and I ejaculate all over my belly. It’s the best sex of my life. So thank you for that.

I don’t even want to get into what I do while thinking about Brett Ratner/Bruce Willis/Wilmer Valderrama/That Model Dude…but I’ll tell you this much….it is all pretty remarkable.

In closing, I would be more than happy if you could give Lohan’s personal email and/or phone number, so that I can talk to her in person. She needs to know we are meant to be together.

With Love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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There’s something really funny about how a celebrity like Lohan lacks so much substance that her idol is Laggerfeld, the designer for Chanel, her favorite fashion house. I understand if a girl/gay guy who is a fashion designer/student respects Laggerfeld, but dudes still alive and shouldn’t be anyone’s idol. Especially some 19 year old dirtbag like Lohan who has a lot of money and has spent it on Chanel. Good for Karl, the more celebs rock his shit, love his shit, idolize him, the better for business.

Lohan’s got daddy issues look how she’s clinging on to him. I am willing to be her father figure, as long as she puts out, and by puts out I mean has unprotected sex with my face, often. On a side not, I got serious issues with Chanel, mainly because everytime I have a lap dance, the stripper whore’s got Chanel earrings on….those double C’s remind me of the day I got syphilis. Thanks Laggerfeld…you gay as shit lookin’ motherfucker. Point of this post is to stalk Lohan, so let’s get to it…..

Today I emailed Makenna Ruddy, some 14 year old slated to be in her movie. Whoever reads this message may call the cops which is kinda what we’re goin for…

Dear Makenna,

I am writing you this letter in hopes of you passing the message on to the love of my life, Lindsay Lohan. This is really a much more serious issue that you realize and I noticed that you are working together on an upcoming movie called Speechless and figured you would have a lot of downtime to talk to her about me.

We were seperated in a past life, and cursed by the kingdom’s wizard to never be in each other’s arms again. Life after life I have been looking for her, until the first day I saw Lohan on TV, I knew she was my lady, whom I have searched for…for so long. It is all in your hands to end this.

In all honesty, I fear that Lohan’s fame is going to keep us apart for yet another life. Her fame is all part of this curse that is keeping us apart.

I know you believe me and to further show my deep rooted love for Lohan, I wrote her a song that I hope you can pass on to her….

WIZARDS and Dragons, Magical Wars,
Won’t let us be together no more.
Cursed and forgotten but not for long,
I’ll keep up my search for while I sing this song…

Ok – so it’s a work in progress but you get the idea.

Makenna – I really appreciate you doing this for me. I will make sure you’re invited to our wedding, I mean technically you’ll be a hero for breaking this curse. I am so excited.

With love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Awkward…

Sexual Fantasy…

Bonus: Lohan Teaches her Sister Gang Signs

Previously on Stepfather:

Lohan Stalker Post 10
Lohan Stalker Post 9
Lohan Stalker Post 8
Lohan Stalker Post 7
Lohan Stalker Post 6
Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

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