I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

Archive for the stepSTALKER Category

2006

26

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

LOHANSTALKTOP.jpg

You guys know what I am doing here. I feel like it’s annoying to read an intro to something that is so easy to grasp. If you don’t you can scroll down and click on my previous stalker posts. I like think these are genius, most people just find them creepy, but the make-up artist on the Trachtenberg movie just answered….that means these are working and eventually I will get an email from Lohan’s people asking me to stop….which is kinda the point.

This is an email I wrote to John Penotti one of the producers of Lohan’s upcoming movie “Bill”….

Dear John,

I am feeling a little lonely and sad today. The guy who lives on my couch and writes daily update emails is leaving DrunkenStepfather HQ, which doubles as a home for my wife and step kids. The reason I am emailing you, is because I want Lohan to take his place. I want to give her everything I can give because I truly feel we are attached at the soul. I know you are working on a movie together and feel like you are my one true hope in getting my message to her. I can tell you’re a good person John and I know when someone comes to you for help, you are there to offer your services and I appreciate that. So please let Lohan know that Jesus Martinez from DrunkenStepfather.com is looking for her. I don’t know if you have ever felt love, John, but it’s overpowering. This love I have is overpowering. If you can’t pass on the message, her phone number will suffice

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Dude, that was possibly the best stalker email EVER and now here are some pictures of Lohan doing stuff…

Lohan Shops


Lohan and a Lollipop


Lohan Tans


Lohan Interview Magazine

Previously on DrunkenStepfahter:

Lohan Stalker Post 9
Lohan Stalker Post 8
Lohan Stalker Post 7
Lohan Stalker Post 6
Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

26

May

I am – Michelle Trachtenberg Stalker Post of the Day

If you read this site, you would know that I stalk celebrities by emailing people like their directors in recent movies, their make-up artists, their “stand ins”, DJ AM and other people who know or have met this girls. The reason I do it is in hopes of those people I email telling the girl I am stalking about the site. I have been mainly stalking Lohan but started to stalk Trachtenberg a couple of weeks ago….I have yet to get a response from the emails I send. On a side note, I like how Trachtenberg is standing outside American Apparel, especially after inspiring the Jewish Outfit of the Day….Here’s the stalker email I sent her make up artist in the movie Black Christmas….

Dear Juliana,

I read that you were the make-up artist on the upcoming film Black Christmas staring Michelle Trachtenberg. I wanted to ask you what will seemingly be a weird question, but if you think about it, it’s not that bad, so here I go. Would it be possible for you to send me the Kleenex and make-up pads that you used on Trachtenberg, I would like to keep them in a satin pouch and take it to bed with me everynight, because I know Trachtenberg and I are soulmates. I would also appreciate any pictures you may have of her and if you could take a picture of her holding a DrunkenStepfather Sign, that would be cool too. Lastly, if all of this is impossible for you to hook up, her email or phone number would be awesome.

Thanks in advance,

With Love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

After re-reading that, I realize why I don’t get answers…it is fucking hysterical.

Bonus: Trachtenberg with a guy who isn’t me….

Related Entries:

Michelle Trachtenberg Stalker Post 1
Jewish Outfit of the Day

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

25

May

I am – Nicole Richie Likes Jews….

Nicole-LunchTOP.jpg

I know Jewish girls love Richie because all the Jewish girls I ever see are rockin’ her style. So many of them are doing it that I have named it the Jewish Outfit of the Day , even though it all comes from Richie who is more of a Mexican with black adopted parents than a Jew, strength is in numbers….so the Jews win this one…

I guess the good news for all the Jews who want to be her, is that she doesn’t hate your people, proven by this pic. I can spot a Jewish girl from a mile away. It’s a fetish. She did dump DJ AM when she found out he was one., but it only took her 2 years.

I have mentioned in the Lohan Stalker Posts that I used to be friendly with DJ AM last year and he invited me to a show he was playing here. Turned out that he was bringing Nicole to host the event and they got paid $30,000 to do it. The club didn’t want to let me in because it’s one of those places Lebanese and Italian 19 year old slicksters with BMWs go. The security didn’t believe I was on the list until, but their Manager came out looking for me, and I got in. From that point on it was free champagne and scotch for me. I was being carted around with Nicole and her bodyguard because the promoter thought I was good friends with them. I was thinking to myself that fame is a shitty place to be, unless you really like free booze, because I saw random guys rubbing her head and trying to touch her and shit, it kinda freaked me out.

When I was sitting with her in the upstairs VIP area I tried to chat her up, only to get a glassy eyed canned response, like “This is so fun….”.Then I asked her to message Lohan for me saying “Jesus Martinez of DrunkenStepfather.com wants to make you famous”, because even then I was Lohan stalker, and she Richie said no to me…..Either way, the whole time we were up there which was probably an hour, she kept waving and blowing kisses to AM….I thought to myself that there’s no way in hell anyone loves another person that much, and if they do they don’t act like that. It was some serious unhealthy neediness and separation anxiety issues but I am not a psychologist, but I may need one….Enough of my stupid stories… I am going to get a coffee…

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

24

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

I am still stalking Lohan and I still haven’t got any response from any the people I have sent these emails to. I have also not heard anything from the police, but they are probably reading this right now. Hi Police. I will keep this up until we get an email, call or visit from Lohan. I am pretty sure that will take a long time. I was sent in a tip that this girl is Lohan’s PR person’s assistant. She deals with Lohan when she yells…not sure if it’s true, but when stalking someone we don’t slack on the emails, that’s a stalker rule, this is what I wrote:

Dear Sned,

Word on the street, and by street I mean Internet, is that you work for a PR company that reps Lohan. The same source told me that you have to deal with her on the phone when she freaks out and yells….My source could be wrong, but I am still going to write this to you, in the event it’s true, which we both know it is, but whatever….I wanted you to do me a favor and that favor is to record your next coversation with Lohan, make sure you mention the website because it’s time she knew about us, but that’s really not that stalker-like, so send me her email and phone number so that I can become friends with her. Friends is the first step towards marriage. I know you don’t want to stand in the way of pure love…..The other celebrity bloggers are scared of pissing off PR people, because they want an in with you guys, I don’t consider myself a blogger and if I am I am willing to throw it all away to one day hold Lohan in my arms (that’s a little creepier.and stalker like..) Good.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

20

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

57652268.jpg

For those of you who know what these posts are all about, you can skip this and go right to the emails. For those of you who don’t, it’s pretty fucking basic. I email people who know or worked with Lohan. They have never emailed me back, but I know they get them so it’s still funny…these are some pics of lohan and DJ AM at a Parasuco flagship store opening…

So this is an email i sent Nino, the general manager of Parasuco.

Dear Nino,

I noticed that Parasuco invited DJ AM and Lindsay Lohan to the opening of their Flagship Store. As general manager of the company, I assume you were at that event. I am in the process of stalking Lohan, and was hoping that she may have tried on some Parasuco clothes as part of the deal you guys set up for her. I figured since we are both from Montreal, you’d be down with sending it to me for masturbation purposes. If you can’t pull through, I understand, people tend to ignore these emails and although it hurts my feelings, I am committed to continuing the quest that I call lohan.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

and this is an email i wrote DJ AM.

Dear DJ AM,

I know you don’t find what I do funny anymore, and that’s okay. People go their separate ways and I can’t hold that against you. I understand that as you got more and more popular, associating with a shady motherfucker like myself could be damaging to your career.

The reason I am emailing you is because I saw pictures of you and Lohan at an event together recently. It was for Parasuco’s flagship store opening. I wanted to know if you have had a chance to tell Lohan that DrunkenStepfather is stalking her, and if so, does she want to go on a date with me? I feel like we have a connection, even though I haven’t met her.

I also wanted to know if you could hook me up with some pictures of her naked, obviously after you bang her…. I wouldn’t want it any other way and I think that since you and Richie are done, you banging Lohan (your ex’s friend) is the best way to dominate this kind of situation. Trust me, I am a relationship expert and don’t worry about me, you banging her won’t upset my stalking of her, it will just make it all the more easier, seeing as you’ll be sending me all those pics!!

If you have no plan on bangin her, her phone number or email will do for now.

Big up the DJ…..and send Alain My love….

Jesus Martinez



Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

17

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

Here I am, back at the stalking shit. I think it’s really funny and I know that no one else does, because the people I email don’t respond to me and because you readers don’t comment on these, but I am still going to do it. To me, it makes for the best celebrity posts ever.

Who gives a fuck if Lohan didn’t get into Danny Masterson’s club night, or if Paris Hilton and some Jew Pussy named Brandon Davis is laughing at Lohan’s Pussy (video).

After watching that clip I have decided that I will beat that little fucker up the day I meet him. I know exactly the kind of person he is and I hate that kind of person. His bad jokes urk me and the fact he’s dissing Lohan makes me ever more angry. I rarely get so involved in any clip I see, but after watching that, I seriously wanted to take a bat to his pussy of a face. I am not really Lohan’s stalker, I just pretend I am to her friends and colleagues, but I was seriously affected by this. Lame disses aside, Lohan is way fucking cooler than Paris and probably wouldn’t laugh at these kinds of jokes that just aren’t funny. Dude calls Lohan “poor” and says she’s got a 7 foot long clit, really fuckin’ funny, cunt. I guess it’s DrunkenStepfather Vs. Brandon Davis now, the war has just begun and I will win, Jew Boy.

Point of the story is orange pubes never killed no one, Paris’ HIV will….and she’s only laughin at the fire crotch joke cuz she knows what it’s like when it burns when you pee.

Enough of the anger and back tot he real point of this…. I emailed Masterson cuz I figured he’s probably the best one to reach out to when it comes to Lohan, but I am usually wrong with these types of things….

Dear Danny of that 70s Show Fame who is also a DJ and Radio Host,

I know you are friends with Wilmer. I also know that Wilmer slammed Lohan. I wanted to know if I sent you out a block of clay, could you convince Wilmer to get back to his Latin roots and get him to start scuplting a life size model of Lohan’s vagina. I would really totally put that up on a shelf in the StepOffice, which doubles as the public washroom at the mall (they have wifi here).

I was going to get you to ask him for a used condom, but I know celebs don’t use condoms, you’re invincible to AIDs, look at Magic Johnson and Paris Hilton.

If you can’t do that for me, her personal email and phone number would be fine.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Bonus: Lohan Arriving at the Race to Erase MS (a couple days ago)

Another Bonus: Lohan and Richie on the Catwalk at the Same Event (a couple days ago)

Previously on DrunkenStepfather:

Lohan Stalker Post 6
Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

15

May

I am – Michelle Trachtenberg Stalker Post of the Day

mtCoffeeTOP.jpg

I have so much fun stalking Lohan, that I decided to start stalking other celebs. If you aren’t sure what it is that I do, it’s simple. I find people who the person I am stalking has had contact with, whether it is highschool friends, people they work with on movies, their personal assistants/publicists, basically anyone who has ever met them. Then I write a creepy email to that person, in hopes of if getting back to the celebrity I am stalking. It’s my idea of comedy and since I have a Jewish girl fetish, I decided that Trachtenberg would be the second girl I stalk.

This is the stalker email that I sent the make-up artist and hair stylist for the movie Mysterious Skin. Her name is Nicole Le Bris and she has worked with Trachtenberg, here it is.

Dear Nicole,

I read that you were the hairstylist on the movie Mysterious Skin. I am currently stalking Michelle Trachtenberg and wanted to reach out to you, since you have touched her hair and face. I was hoping that you have some strands of Trachtenberg’s hair that I could possibly use for masturbation purposes. If not, I understand and her personal email will suffice.

I look forward to your response,

With Love,

Jesus Martinez

Trachtenberg Getting Coffee

Bonus – Trachtenberg on the Catwalk

Another Bonus – Trachtenberg’s Ass (part of the reason I am stalking her)

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

13

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

lindsay-shopsTOP.jpg

This is the sixth person I have contacted as part of my Lohan Stalking project. Not one of them has emailed me back. I can only assume they are uncomfortable with this whole thing. I guess that’s what makes it so funny to me. Today, I contacted DJ AM, Nicole Richie’s boyfriend and owner of a club Lohan frequents called LAX. I tried to sound serious thinking it would get me a some love. It didn’t. Here is Lohan Stalker Post of the day. Cuddles.

Dear Adam Goldstein aka DJ AM,

I am sending this message in regards to an ongoing project I have undertaken at DrunkenStepfather.com, and that venture is to stalk Lohan.

I am a lazy man so my stalking involves emailing people who may or may not have had contact with Lohan. In hopes that she finds out about the site, calls the police and has me arrested, so that we meet while she is testifying in court against me, because that is humor to me.

I wanted to ask you if you could give me one of the glasses she drank out of in your club. It would go into my Lohan box, unfortunately not in Lohan’s Box. If that doesn’t work for you, could you give me her email address, or an email address to someone close to her, maybe her drug dealer seeing as he probably sees a lot of her. I know you are in the club business and that it could be damaging if you out your patrons as crackwhores, but it’s all for a bigger cause…and that cause is my stalking post.

Let me know if you can help.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com


Lohan Has Lunch:

Lohan Shops:

Previously on DrunkenStepfather:

Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

12

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

lohanjmlafterpartyTOP.jpg

Julie McNiven was Lohan’s body double on Chapter 27, the John Lennon Movie. Since It just wrapped up shooting recently (as in sometime this year, cuz I don’t know what date it specifically wrapped, I am not that good of a stalker), I figured I’d email her to try to get one step closer to Lohan….This is what I had to say. For some reason people aren’t very into helping me on this venture and don’t email me back. Also, I defs see some kind of tit scar up in these pics, but I am also drunk.

Dear Jules, (you don’t mind that I call your Jules do you?)

Rumor on the street, and by street I mean the internet, is that you were Lohan’s body double in the movie Chapter 27. I figured I would send you this message, since I am in the process of stalking Lohan for my website, DrunkenStepfather.com. I know you were her body double, so asking you for her number or her email is probably a waste of my time. Knowing Lohan she probably doesn’t talk to your kind. She was probably too busy getting jacked up on Yay in her trailer while sucking on Leto’s cock and slappin’ his belly, while you were actually working. Now’s your chance to get revenge on that whore, and since you were her body double I figured you could send in some nude pics of yourself and we’ll pretend they are of Lohan. We can make you fucking famous and v agina pics are totally welcome, actually they are the only kind. Also, if you have any Lohan memorabilia, send it my way, as all things that help this stalkin’ go smoother is appreciated.

With Love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Visit the Lohan Stand-In’s Site here (Jule McNiven)

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

10

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

I know I am a bad stalker. I haven’t been keeping up my end of the deal. I said that I would do this stalker shit more often than I actually am, because a real is committed to the cause. I am useless at this and I think it all went to shit when no one believed us that Steve banged Darth Vader’s sister. Anyway, I have decided to not let that get me down and move forward on my stalking ways, because of Perez and Pink get shout outs from her on MTV, I want to be getting lawyers letters and restraining orders. That’s just how I role, not because I am actually creepy, but because it’s funny to make her and the people around her think I am.

Today’s message was sent to Brian Dannelly. He’s the writer and director of Lohan’s upcoming movie Speechless.

Brian,

I was told you wrote and are slotted to direct Lohan’s new movie called Speechless, I wanted to know if you could write in a part for a fat, 35 year old, mexican alcoholic. I can play the drunken friend of the socially awkward main character. My character will steal lohan’s panties throughout the movie until she is seduced by my creepy ways, resulting in a 10 minute sex scene, where I can’t get it up, but finish her off with my fingers. The movie should end with a double marriage. Only instead of hiring an actor to play the minister, get a real minister, and make the bitch marry me unknowingly. I have a feeling you have stopped reading this already.

Since this is a stalker post, you could always just send me her email address or phone number instead.

Cuddles,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Bonus: Lohan Promoting Just My Luck

Bonus 2: Lohan Press Conference


Bonus 2: Lohan’s Smokes Just My Lucky Strikes

Previously on DrunkenStepfather:

Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

22

Apr

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day


I am convinced this Lohan Stalker Post of the Day feature will eventually lead to meeting Lohan, even if it’s in court and she’s testifying against me. I am really only doing it cuz I am like the kid in the schoolyard who spits on the girl I like because I am not very good at expressing myself. I also have no game and the chances of me being in her presence in person is slim to none, as people like me are kicked out of the neighborhood this bitch lives in, making it impossible to get to the clubs she attends…I won’t stop until Lohan falls in love with me…or I get bored…which is probably more likely.

Lucky for me, Steve slammed a girl who played the Jock in Mean Girls, and he gave me her email address. She is also Darth Vader’s sister. His email is at the end of this post.

Dear Kaylen Christensen,

I know you aren’t much of a celebrity and that Lohan probably doesn’t even remember you. Just because you had some minor role in the movie Mean Girls, doesn’t mean you have Lohan’s number or anything. Just because your brother was in Star Wars, doesn’t mean he knows Lohan either. But I am a desperate man, and I am willing to email anyone remotely close to Lohan in efforts to get my hands on her email address, home address and/or phone number. Lohan and I are meant to be, she just doesn’t know I exist yet, so if you can help me in anyway, I would greatly appreciate it. I’d hate for you to be the reason destiny didn’t work out the way it is supposed to…..

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Here’s Steve’s Email, which allowed me to contact Kaylen…Thanks Steve.

Yo,

I have an idea that may help with your Lohan Stalker Post of the day.

About a year ago, when my best friend was in college, i would go down and hang out with him at the campus pub to try and pick up chicks. He went to the same school as Hayden Christensens sister. Her name is Kaylen. One night I ended up bringing her back to my friends place and showed her the force on the living room floor. Thats right, i slammed Darth Vader’s sister.

Anyways, Kaylen was in Mean Girls with Lohan. She used to brag to me about how they were friends. Maybe she has her number. Here is her email.

Somehow after months and months of sexual suggestive Star Wars references, we managed to stay friends, having little (and i do mean little) flings here and there. She was nice. Hope it helps.

with love,

Steve “golden light-saber” McKeon

Related Post:

Lohan Stalker Post – Day 2
Lohan Stalker Post – Day 1

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

20

Apr

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

lohantits.jpg

I decided that the Lohan Stalker Post was funny. I think it may get me arrested, on TV or something equally fantastic. No matter what, Lohan will know who I am and that will better my chances in having her fall in love with me, because I am that good at wooing the ladies, as you can tell by my huge female audience of 1 chick who landed on the site researching Post Traumatic Stress from being molested by your alcoholic stepfather. I’d like to thank google for that.

Anyway, in today’s Lohan Stalker post I emailed Lorne Michaels, the founder of SNL. I don’t expect a reply, but it definitely was his email. One step closer to destiny.

Dear Lorne,

My name is Jesus Martinez and I am writing from DrunkenStepfather.com. I know that Lohan was on your show last week and I was curious if she may have left some kleenex, used panties, maybe a tampon or a used condom in her dressing room. I’d really love if you could send that my way for my collection.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

2006

18

Apr

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

I decided that since I am in love with Lohan, that this site bridges creepy and funny, the only way to let Lohan know I love her is to do a creepy Lohan stalker move everyday, in efforts to be her K.Fed.

Today’s stalker move was sending a Myspace message to a woman who co-wrote one of Lohan’s songs on her album, the song was called BlackHole and if you want to know who the writer was, read the liner notes, because I am not giving away my Lohan Contacts….I need them to keep this feature alive.

I love Lohan. I feel amazingly excited that you wrote her song and I am writing you. Actually I don’t. You ever consider dating a fat guy behind your husband’s back. It could be sexy, just don’t make me walk up too many flights of stairs. I already messaged your husband as a distraction. Don’t you feel dangerous…..it’s so sexy.

Sorry about that, Sometimes I lose myself in the music.

With love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Through the song writer, I found the producer of the album…this is what I wrote him;

When you were Producing Lohan’s album, did she ever talk about me or my site. I know she’s probably embarassed about being a fan but i figured she’d mention something…anything….considering we are soul mates, but she doesn’t know it yet….Next time you see her at a function – tell her Jesus Martinez says he wants to knock her up…Thanks.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

So that’s been Lohan Stalker post of the day. Here are some pics.


Lohan April 16th Lunch:



Lohan the Easter Bunny

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

r