I am convinced this Lohan Stalker Post of the Day feature will eventually lead to meeting Lohan, even if it’s in court and she’s testifying against me. I am really only doing it cuz I am like the kid in the schoolyard who spits on the girl I like because I am not very good at expressing myself. I also have no game and the chances of me being in her presence in person is slim to none, as people like me are kicked out of the neighborhood this bitch lives in, making it impossible to get to the clubs she attends…I won’t stop until Lohan falls in love with me…or I get bored…which is probably more likely.

Lucky for me, Steve slammed a girl who played the Jock in Mean Girls, and he gave me her email address. She is also Darth Vader’s sister. His email is at the end of this post.

Dear Kaylen Christensen,

I know you aren’t much of a celebrity and that Lohan probably doesn’t even remember you. Just because you had some minor role in the movie Mean Girls, doesn’t mean you have Lohan’s number or anything. Just because your brother was in Star Wars, doesn’t mean he knows Lohan either. But I am a desperate man, and I am willing to email anyone remotely close to Lohan in efforts to get my hands on her email address, home address and/or phone number. Lohan and I are meant to be, she just doesn’t know I exist yet, so if you can help me in anyway, I would greatly appreciate it. I’d hate for you to be the reason destiny didn’t work out the way it is supposed to…..

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Here’s Steve’s Email, which allowed me to contact Kaylen…Thanks Steve.

Yo,

I have an idea that may help with your Lohan Stalker Post of the day.

About a year ago, when my best friend was in college, i would go down and hang out with him at the campus pub to try and pick up chicks. He went to the same school as Hayden Christensens sister. Her name is Kaylen. One night I ended up bringing her back to my friends place and showed her the force on the living room floor. Thats right, i slammed Darth Vader’s sister.

Anyways, Kaylen was in Mean Girls with Lohan. She used to brag to me about how they were friends. Maybe she has her number. Here is her email.

Somehow after months and months of sexual suggestive Star Wars references, we managed to stay friends, having little (and i do mean little) flings here and there. She was nice. Hope it helps.

with love,

Steve “golden light-saber” McKeon

Related Post:

Lohan Stalker Post – Day 2
Lohan Stalker Post – Day 1

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I decided that the Lohan Stalker Post was funny. I think it may get me arrested, on TV or something equally fantastic. No matter what, Lohan will know who I am and that will better my chances in having her fall in love with me, because I am that good at wooing the ladies, as you can tell by my huge female audience of 1 chick who landed on the site researching Post Traumatic Stress from being molested by your alcoholic stepfather. I’d like to thank google for that.

Anyway, in today’s Lohan Stalker post I emailed Lorne Michaels, the founder of SNL. I don’t expect a reply, but it definitely was his email. One step closer to destiny.

Dear Lorne,

My name is Jesus Martinez and I am writing from DrunkenStepfather.com. I know that Lohan was on your show last week and I was curious if she may have left some kleenex, used panties, maybe a tampon or a used condom in her dressing room. I’d really love if you could send that my way for my collection.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Posted in:stepSTALKER|Unsorted

I decided that since I am in love with Lohan, that this site bridges creepy and funny, the only way to let Lohan know I love her is to do a creepy Lohan stalker move everyday, in efforts to be her K.Fed.

Today’s stalker move was sending a Myspace message to a woman who co-wrote one of Lohan’s songs on her album, the song was called BlackHole and if you want to know who the writer was, read the liner notes, because I am not giving away my Lohan Contacts….I need them to keep this feature alive.

I love Lohan. I feel amazingly excited that you wrote her song and I am writing you. Actually I don’t. You ever consider dating a fat guy behind your husband’s back. It could be sexy, just don’t make me walk up too many flights of stairs. I already messaged your husband as a distraction. Don’t you feel dangerous…..it’s so sexy.

Sorry about that, Sometimes I lose myself in the music.

With love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Through the song writer, I found the producer of the album…this is what I wrote him;

When you were Producing Lohan’s album, did she ever talk about me or my site. I know she’s probably embarassed about being a fan but i figured she’d mention something…anything….considering we are soul mates, but she doesn’t know it yet….Next time you see her at a function – tell her Jesus Martinez says he wants to knock her up…Thanks.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

So that’s been Lohan Stalker post of the day. Here are some pics.

Lohan April 16th Lunch:

Lohan the Easter Bunny

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