I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2006

18

May

I am – Christina Ricci's Bikini of the Day

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I have had a thing for Ricci since The Adam’s Family. I would have gone for her in Mermaids but I like my woman’s age in the double digits. Yeah, that was a lame pedophile joke, deal with it. The truth is I was always into her, I thought she was a good enough actor, only because I don’t know what a bad actor is. Her hair was always black, her skin pale, she smoked and had a few tattoos and I found her teenage angst hot. That was before the suicide girls ruined girls with piercings and tats for me. Thanks Suicide Girls. I thought about jerking off to her enormous tits once, but she doesn’t have those anymore, she chopped them off. Now all we’re left with is a sloppy, small breasted, bad tattooed dirtbag of a celebrity I once loved and I would still bang in a bikini of the day. It is late and I have sleep apnea…

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Bonus: Magazine Make Girls Pretty or Not…



Another Bonus: Cher in her Lingerie for as punishment for not laughing at my Mermaids joke….

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2006

18

May

I am – Ruben Studdard’s Lunch of the Day

Four….

…Three…

…Two…

…One….

…None…

…Ruben ate them…

…because he is fat, and it is lunch time in Miami.

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2006

18

May

I am – Ruben Studdard's Lunch of the Day

Four….

…Three…

…Two…

…One….

…None…

…Ruben ate them…

…because he is fat, and it is lunch time in Miami.

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2006

18

May

I am – Link Dump without the Truck of the Day

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I am not going to claim these are the best links on the internet today. I will say that they are the ones I am posting and I will also prove they are the ones I am postin, by posting them. If you have better links, send them in by clicking HERE.

Alanis Morissette Looks Better than She Usually does which is Ugly
Keeley Hazell’s Got Some a Slammin’ Rack (TOPLESS CHICK)
Lohan Gone Wild
Mad TV’s Debra Wilson Flashing her Tits…(TOPLESS CHICK)
Throw Back Pics of Pink Making Out with Kristina Loken(LESBIAN CHICKS)
Wedding Betting is Funny
The Sun, The Sea and Marketa (NAKED CHICK)

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2006

17

May

I am – Matthew Broderick’s Son is Cooler Than Him of the Day

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Matthew Broderick’s a total twat. So he was Ferris Bueller, big fucking deal, that was 1980, no one cares. Sarah Jessica Parker is also a total twat, yes girls like to relate to your character on Sex in the City and how fashionable she is, but that show’s off the air, no one cares anymore. Point of the story is that your kid know’s you are both twats, and he’s lettin’ the world know he’s not a total twat too.

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2006

17

May

I am – Matthew Broderick's Son is Cooler Than Him of the Day

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Matthew Broderick’s a total twat. So he was Ferris Bueller, big fucking deal, that was 1980, no one cares. Sarah Jessica Parker is also a total twat, yes girls like to relate to your character on Sex in the City and how fashionable she is, but that show’s off the air, no one cares anymore. Point of the story is that your kid know’s you are both twats, and he’s lettin’ the world know he’s not a total twat too.

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2006

17

May

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

Here I am, back at the stalking shit. I think it’s really funny and I know that no one else does, because the people I email don’t respond to me and because you readers don’t comment on these, but I am still going to do it. To me, it makes for the best celebrity posts ever.

Who gives a fuck if Lohan didn’t get into Danny Masterson’s club night, or if Paris Hilton and some Jew Pussy named Brandon Davis is laughing at Lohan’s Pussy (video).

After watching that clip I have decided that I will beat that little fucker up the day I meet him. I know exactly the kind of person he is and I hate that kind of person. His bad jokes urk me and the fact he’s dissing Lohan makes me ever more angry. I rarely get so involved in any clip I see, but after watching that, I seriously wanted to take a bat to his pussy of a face. I am not really Lohan’s stalker, I just pretend I am to her friends and colleagues, but I was seriously affected by this. Lame disses aside, Lohan is way fucking cooler than Paris and probably wouldn’t laugh at these kinds of jokes that just aren’t funny. Dude calls Lohan “poor” and says she’s got a 7 foot long clit, really fuckin’ funny, cunt. I guess it’s DrunkenStepfather Vs. Brandon Davis now, the war has just begun and I will win, Jew Boy.

Point of the story is orange pubes never killed no one, Paris’ HIV will….and she’s only laughin at the fire crotch joke cuz she knows what it’s like when it burns when you pee.

Enough of the anger and back tot he real point of this…. I emailed Masterson cuz I figured he’s probably the best one to reach out to when it comes to Lohan, but I am usually wrong with these types of things….

Dear Danny of that 70s Show Fame who is also a DJ and Radio Host,

I know you are friends with Wilmer. I also know that Wilmer slammed Lohan. I wanted to know if I sent you out a block of clay, could you convince Wilmer to get back to his Latin roots and get him to start scuplting a life size model of Lohan’s vagina. I would really totally put that up on a shelf in the StepOffice, which doubles as the public washroom at the mall (they have wifi here).

I was going to get you to ask him for a used condom, but I know celebs don’t use condoms, you’re invincible to AIDs, look at Magic Johnson and Paris Hilton.

If you can’t do that for me, her personal email and phone number would be fine.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Bonus: Lohan Arriving at the Race to Erase MS (a couple days ago)

Another Bonus: Lohan and Richie on the Catwalk at the Same Event (a couple days ago)

Previously on DrunkenStepfather:

Lohan Stalker Post 6
Lohan Stalker Post 5
Lohan Stalker Post 4
Lohan Stalker Post 3
Lohan Stalker Post 2
Lohan Stalker Post 1

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2006

17

May

I am – Old Pink Upskirt Pics

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I don’t keep track of upskirt pics as closely as I should, but was told these were old. I know I have never seen them before and since this is what I do to fill my worthless days, I figured most of you haven’t seen them either. I guess the big surprise in all this is how well Pink has tucked in her testicle-lookin’ labia. This bitch always reminded me of the movie Ladybugs, where a boy joins the girls team to take them to the championship, only instead of soccer it’s singing, and instead of championships it’s MTV Music award or whatever this useless singer’s won. The thing I really love about her and by her I mean him is how he still rock’s the pink hair like she doesn’t realize we get it already….you were a raver, you loved E, you had crazy raver hair and you were given the nickname Pink…there comes a time in everyone’s life where they don’t have to live up to their nickname. Take me for example, all my life people called Jesus, so I got a real Jesus tattoo on my chest, but I got fat and now that tattoo looks more like Rosanne than Jesus and people still call me Jesus. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but what I am trying to say is Pink hair’s been done…we’ll all remember your name when you go back to blond. I guess she’s trying to keep our focus off the bulge in her pants.


Bonus – Pink is a Man

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2006

17

May

I am – Eagles of Death Metal Giveaway of the Day

Watch this video, Jack Black and Dave Grohl are in it and if they like the band enough to be in their video that they must be pretty fucking cool, right? Because neither of them are completely washed up or anything….That was sarcasm. It doesn’t really come across that well on the internet. Anyway, the band is named Eagles of Death Metal and the members are Joshua “Baby Duck” Homme and Jesse “Boots Electric” Hughes. Josh is from some band called Queens of the Stone Age that you all probably love because the last time I did a post on this band for their Bikini Bandit Video, I got tons of emails dissing me for not knowing them. Point of the story is that I am doing a giveaway. Admit you’re excited.

I have 2 prize packs, one for a girl and one for a guy. Each include a signed poster (admit your gonna jerk off on it), a copy of the CD “Death by Sexy” (admit you’re gonna give it to a friend for his birthday), a Cardboard Robot T-shirt (admit you’re gonna use it as a cumrag), and a Babeleand Vibrator(admit you’re gonna shove it up your ass, homo).

All you have to do to win it is send in something SEXY via email HERE. I will only be keeping this up for a couple of days since I don’t get shit for doing this. That’s right, I am doing it for you fuckers.

Here’s what the shirts/vibrator look like:


Don’t ever say I am never there for you…..

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2006

17

May

I am – Yellow Power Ranger’s Tits of the Day

Her name is Cerina Vincent and she was a Power Ranger, the yellow one. I was too old to have ever watched the show but I do remeber one halloween, while drunk in a gutter somewhere, I was awoken by a group of 4 kids dressed like the Power Rangers. I had no idea that it was the most popular costume and show for kids for the year, but it was one of those years that is kind of a blur. Anyway, I thought they were superheros coming to take me to a better place. They were proding me with sticks and asking if I was gonna be alright, while I was lying there covered in my own vomit. About 2 minutes later, I sobered up enough to talk to them and I still remember it feeling really good to have someone talk to me after so many months of people just spitting on me and treating me like the disgusting person I was. About 5 minutes later, one of their parents showed up and bitched the kids out for talking to me. I wish this story ended with me feeling like my life was worth something and from there an old page was turned or a new chapter in my life started, but I just went back to the bottle. Point of this post is that kids don’t make life better, booze does. And if I had known the Yellow Power Ranger was so hot, I woulda been a little more excited when I was woken by her, or a kid dressed like her, you get the idea.

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