I am - A loser's guide to scoring - DrunkenStepFather.com

2005

Feb

I am – A loser’s guide to scoring

Ok, so we’re new around here, but since the Drunken Stepfather still owes us all those reparation payments from that molestaion that scarred our childhood, and his only assets are empty alcohol bottles and occasionally an eight-ball of coke, we figured if we could post useless shit, it would make up for the terrible, terrible memories.

the loser’s guide to scoring after the jump

Now that introductions are out of the way, on to the pussy. We’ve never actually seen any pussy, but we hear it’s pretty cool. (Stop yelling, Ma, I’m busy on the Internet!)

First, look for the girl who you’d like to some sweet action from. Then, find a girl that you have half a chance with, loser! We’ve met the girls we’ve stalked…. uh, we mean dated in many places. Chat rooms are a great place, but you gotta be good at typing with one hand, unless you have a buddy who’ll type for you while you take care of business.

Elbow-Tittie is always a subtle way to start chatting (kinda like how we do it all the time in the chat groups on the internet. You’d be surprised how much the FBI hates it when a 35 year-old guy makes friends with 11 year olds on the net, by pretending he’s their age). The way elbow-tittie works is as follows: You go up to a chick and elbow her in the tit. How fuckin dumb are you that we need to explain it? If that doesn’t work, she still might be impressed at the immunity to pepper spray that you’ve built up over the years.

Now that you broke the ice, how do you get her into the sack? We asked our buddy Tobias who once fingered a chick (he’s the man!), and he said that his best move is impressing her with your knowledge of Dungeons and Dragons. Whatever you do though, DO NOT tell her that you’re an elf! Chicks hate that shit. You MUST say that you are either a wizard or a centaur, and that you have slayed at least a level 7 dragon. Otherwise, you got no chance buddy.

Telling her she looks pretty always works too, especially for the girls you should be going for, they generally don’t get complimented that often. Be warned, though, they will often know you are lying.

Congrats on having gotten off your fat ass and spoken to a real, live girl. We’re gonna do that too, one day. Now that you’ve spoken to a chick for 10 minutes, it looks like you’ve got a girlfriend. This guy we once met who told us he once had a girlfriend told us that you’ve gotta “play the game”. That means playing hard to get buddy. I know it can be difficult, since this is the first girl you’ve ever spoken to, and you probably came your pants when she talked dirty and said “fuck off, creep”. But beleive us, it works like a charm. We told out internet girlfriend, “I_love_hillaryduff_1989” that we’d chat with her online right now, and we’re like 3 minutes late already. We got her wrapped around our little finger.