I am - Nicole Richie Is Fat of the Day

2006

Sep

I am – Nicole Richie Is Fat of the Day

I met Nicole Richie once. I am not writing this to sound like I am a celebrity fucker or to say that I’m so hooked up or cool. Because let’s face it, there’s nothing cool about Nicole Richie and if I was hooked up, I wouldn’t be typing this shit to you. It was all just a big mistake that ended up with me and her being carted around with her bodyguards.

In the beginning of her Simple Life career, when she was a recovering heroin addict who replaced the heroin with donuts, because addicts always replace one addiction with another, and her addiction then was eating and now it’s not eating or over exercising, but that’s not what I wanted to get at because I am not some kind of psychoanalyst.

I wanted to say that she was edited proper on the Simple Life show and they made the world think she was a funny and reckless person who pranked everyone she came across. She was the funny fat girl who had her brain going for her and nothing else. After meeting her last summer, I realized that shit’s all a lie and that the producers of the show are fucking with all of us. She’s exactly what you think she’d be… a fucking retarded ditzy piece of shit. I am not going to lie, when the promoters mistakenly thought I was DJ AM and Nicole Richie’s Montreal friend, I liked the free cocktails they kept handing me. But everytime I tried striking up conversation with the slut, she looked back at me with empty and confused eyes like I was speaking to her in another language while dressed like a clown and dancing a jig. If you don’t get what I am talking about here, I am talking about the way a 20 year old sexually frustrated retarded person looks at a girl in a bathing suit at the public pool on a hot summer day….I’m talking public masturbation and awe, cuz that’s just what retards do. I remember telling a retard on a work program I was part of that one of the girls had a nipple ring and they caught him in the entrance rubbing on out to her “employee of the month” picture.

Either way, she was well on her way to skinny and she looked hot and still does. She just takes a bad picture. I admit have no standards, but think that you’re ugly so figure that one out….

Speaking of Ugly, here is MUNG’s best post to date. I actually read it. I don’t agree with what he’s saying and think that calling her too skinny is played out but you guys can decide. The other thing I have to say is that Tim Horton’s is a coffee shop and a double double is redneck Canadian for 2 milks and 2 sugars. Just sorting it out. Now here’s MUNG.

Nicole Richie makes me sick. Now, when I am talking about sick, I mean throwing up bile and blood, and shitting liquid out of my anus. I swear I saw her on Sunday morning sitting in a pile of sand with flies buzzing around her eyelids while Alex Trebek and Sally Strothers were telling me that “for the price of a cup of coffee per day, I could help support the starving in Africa”.

You know what?… I would rather let this bitch die while I sip on a large double/double from Tim Horton’s. Who the fuck does she think she is, getting d-list celebrities to ask me for money to help save her. I hope the flies eat her, and her body starts eating her stomach lining and when she dies from starvation I will use her bones as windchimes in my backyard.

I don’t have a backyard, but a motherfucker can dream can’t he???

Fuck this stupid bitch and the horse she rode in on.

Now go fuck off.

MUNG