Since I have been drinking pretty heavily (expensive) lately, my lunch break consists of walking around for 30 minutes and maybe stealing ketchup packets from a Deli. Yesterday I decided to bum a smoke off some suit outside Starbucks, and was enjoying the buzz when this borderline-obese dogwalker yells at me, “Disgusting!” Now I am rarely called disgusting in broad daylight (and mostly only the internet). Well, yeah I find smoking disgusting too, but I actually quit a year ago and I just felt like a drag today. So I said, “Excuse me?” And this old fat chick with 12 dogs says, “Your shirt, it’s disgusting.” I look down, and i was wearing my “Mary is my homegirl” virgin shirt. “What?” I say. Fat dogwalker goes, “No respect, you kids…” or something.

And that’s when I got pissed and said, “We have freedom of speech in this country, and I have the right to wear anything that celebrates my Catholicism,” which was total bullshit. I bought the shirt in 2003 and now realized it was douchey but hadn’t done laundry and I wasn’t about to let some old bitch point out my shirt was retarded, whatever her reasoning.

That’s when fat dogwalker starts apologizing over and over, saying she was sorry, then goes on for 5 minutes about Jesus (not the beloved drunkenStepfather) while her 12 dogs are pissing everywhere, and she won’t let me get away. I finally lost it and said, “Sorry, i have to go, I am late for my abortion.”

That dogwalker would never have harassed Bar Rafaeli, mostly because she is a rich model and wouldn’t wear stupid ratty shirts, and she is Israeli and everyone knows Israelis can kick the shit out of you (they are like all commandos, seriously). She dated Leonardo DeCaprio and looks exactly like Giselle, which makes sense. Here she is wearing shorts and a teet-friendly tank in NYC yesterday. It’s your party now.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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