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I am – Lohan in a Bikini and Picking Wedgie of the Day

Lindsay Lohan

Friday night I had the choice between sex at the Waldorf or possibly scoring coke from Columbians. I did not chose wisely. It went something like this…

Me and my hot Dutch friend were cruising outside of some clubs, looking for house music, when we picked up these two guys who bought us drinks at a bar down the street. One of them was on the same HBO Show my friend used to be on, so that was kinda cute. The other was from outa town and thirty-something and Irish–just the way I like ’em. He bought me some more drinks, but wasn’t drunk enough to dance, so i salsa’d with some sanitation workers that tried to get me to go for a ride on their motorbike. No thanks. So then Out of Towner, HBO Show, and my Dutch friend moved on to the next bar where we all got wasted. I was making out and falling down at the same time with Out of Towner, which is what i do if you buy me enough drinks. Then these Columbians that were HBO Show’s friends came into the picture. Out of Towner had to leave (early flight in the morning) and wanted me to go back to his room at the Waldorf.

Now here is where the dilemma started. I would have loved to fuck this guy at the Waldorf mostly because i haven’t even been to the Waldorf. But the Columbians, they probably had coke, being Columbian and all. Plus I was do for a wax and although Out of Towner probably wouldn’t have minded, I would have been embarrassed. So I picked possible drugs over sex like the dutiful cokewhore I am. Bad choice. Here is why.

I got the ugly fat Columbian cousin and was hastled by everyone to give him a kiss in the cab, which I did to make everyone shut the fuck up because I was nauseas. We get to the club where they pay the way and promise it has house music. It doesn’t. As soon as we hit the dance floor, six hip-hopsters are grabbing my hips and rubbing my stomach. I wasn’t in the mood to be molested. I asked fat Columbian if he had coke, he said he did but in his apartment in fucking QUEENS. As soon as they went to get me some water from the bar, me and Dutch friend made our escape like we were Batman. I got home and threw up in my sink.

I feel Lohan’s pain because I am hurting for coke, I haven’t had any since my Korean roommate moved away last year, and it’s time to binge again. But knowing Lohan, her drug tests are done with other people’s pee, I bet, so she probably isn’t hurting for coke. Here she is in a bikini and touching her ass in some shots. Have fun, I’m not.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)


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