Lohan was out in her bikini this weekend, while I was out wondering the streets all alone, hoping something interesting came my way. It never did. I guess it’s pretty obvious that her life is better than mine and to make matters worse, that whole Facebook Lohan was all a lie and the Lohan who was sending me messages was a fake and not the real Lohan reaching out to profess her love for me while declaring that all these years I’ve been watching her, she’s been watching me. I am pretty much over it.

I was talking to a girl I know who has slept with hundreds of dudes, I like to call her my little Lohan even though she’s about 200 pounds. We were talking about STDs and abortions and she claims to have never had either despite never using condoms. I tried to explain to her that it’s a number games and she’s either lying to me or the luckiest slut in the world, but then I got to thinking that maybe STDs and pregnancy are just a myth and that you should bang every girl you come across unprotected to prove the media and their scare tactics wrong. But then I realized that this 200 pound bitch’s uterus was probably eaten by her hungry stomach one day when she skipped lunch in some attempt to have a fashionable eating disorder before realizing how much she needs food and more importantly that every dude she’s been with had to have been a 25 year old virgin because no matter how horny a guy is, there is no way he’d get up in that unless it was for practice in hope of landing a real girl.

Either way, here’s Lohan in a bikini and I still want to play with her vagina, but that’s probably just because I have no friends and figure that her vagina is pretty friendly and doesn’t discriminate new people it meets….

Posted in:Bikini|Lindsay Lohan